I’m coming to terms that my mask needs to come off because I have all you fooled! Outside I’m lively, laughing, outgoing, strong and persevering; when on the inside I’m destroyed, weak, dead, numb, and lost in this inner turmoil. Struggling just to live each day, deciding each day not to harm myself, or if I’m going to eat or not. Each day if I going to continue to exist to chase my dreams and ambitions to make a difference. I’ve grown numb to the pain inside that I’m able to still have the show go on, and have none of you even question; if I’m ever okay..
I’m not okay, and I tried of acting like I am..
On, June 12th, I was not transitioning well at, i was still severely missing being in treatment and having so many regrets and wondering if i made the right decision and over analyzing. I was so devastated, painfully devastated, to where i was thrown into this deep, rock bottom depressive state. Blind sighted, its wave washed over me; washing away all my happiness, hope, dreams and ambitions. i was was crying hardcore no stop, i mean it! i couldnt stop, i cried for hours in my bed, i cried, i couldn’t go downstairs and show my face at all so i did’t eat. Then i started having an intense panic attack, i couldnt breathe, i couldnt stop crying, all i envisioned were the bad memories replaying in my head and it didnt help that i was in the same house that it was happening in and the person, that i couldn’t find any strength within me to stop it; reassuring myself that im safe inside my room. As every single memory broke my heart. Every single person, i had a certain type a “Trusting” connection (Therapists, Dietitians, All Past ED Treatment Centers’ 01 ecause i feel it rush throughout my body, and i can’t really pinpoint why, but it felt like thunder vibrating my body. To this day, i still cant handle that heart breaking moment, ever so slightly tearing at your soul from our”goodbyes” that we exchanged; as they all only leave me with memories of how they changed my life.
Thats when my mood shifted, i had stopped crying and i was on my phone going through Instagram, completely numbed out. Then i remember this one picture in particular that i saw, it said something about ‘ never giving up taking it one day at a time and happy days are coming” something like that. All i can remember was how much that stupid picture infuriated me. How i wanted to repost it with a rant caption, because that day; i wasnt feeling like that, so it pissed me off. At that moment currently, i wanted to be not okay.. So many quotes and things telling you it’s all going to be alright, and not to feel sad, but why not? How come I’m not allowed to feel other emotions just because they have some negative connotation to them or not accepted by others to feel sad, depressed, suicidal, and just plain not okay..
I had called Reasons with the intention of asking the staff for help, D answered, all I could do was. Cry as I told her nothing is alright and trying to clue her in. D asked me what was my reason for calling and if I was feeling safe I didn’t answer and just cried.!after she said she had to go and to go utilize my other resources. I felt discouraged, hurt, disregarded. It’s. okay, D is not a mind reader or a therapist/counselor; just a MHW.
I wasn’t okay, and that what I was assured of when I overdosed, by trying to take meds and bathroom cleaner. I was okay with choosing to give up and leave myself that day, leave everything that day. That day it became an option that was able I be selected and that I no longer questioned because my pain and suffering heavily out weighed the regret and wanted that freedom from from the hell on earth. So to getaway was to leave earth. I’m so over all this bad luck, and then I didn’t ant to hear another keep your head up, as you try to look at me like you understand, but you don’t know. So, just let me give up. (I’m down 19lbs already)
In that day I wanted to stop trying. That day, I stopped fighting.
I chose to leave myself…
EscapingTheCage
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