formspring.me

We don't talk much anymore. I usually don't say much to you brecause I know you are busy and with the tim e difference. Hope all is well

This makes me feel so bad :[ I really want to put more effort into talking to you. I apologize i hope we speak soon!

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Blood pressure.

Today in EMT class we were practicing vitals and Tara and this other guy couldn't find my systolic pressure. I knew why but didn't say anything so then they were like freaking out because they thought they weren't doing it right. They were, my BP was just low. They asked Britta to find it she sent Mike over ..


82/68.



That's a low blood pressure.  Normal is 120/80

Ehck, then hes like

" 82? Really? Come on 82?"




Yepp, 82... crazy i dont remember my BP being this low not even in treatment.hmm

Blinded

To walk the world alone
Or to know where your path leads
Can I run away from my problems
Can I run away from me
As hard as I try
My shadow always follows
How could something so dark and heavy
Appear so innocent and hollow
Misleading footsteps
A hallucinating mind
Do I walk to where I want to be
Or do I live my life a lie
Escaping reality
Defining what is mine
My body is my canvas
The scalpel is my mind
Under my conviction
And any presence of pain
Control is taken over
And slowly I am slain
Belief in the deception
Conflict in her heart
All of what she holds inside
Is the poison that’s tearing her apart



©Copyright 2010
Essence Evans

Behind Enemy Lines

Mixed messages
A thoughtful mind
Endless research
Wasted time
Viewing flash messages
Of the lies in her mind
Devastating truths
Illusionary lies
Once inside the mirror
Her soul begins to die
Altered universe
Disrupted thought pattern
Black and white thinking
She no longer matters
One goal in sight
No thoughts in mind
To win this war
She’s running out of time
Once across that line
It’s harder to return
Challenging to return to normal
Impossible to quit the habits you learned
I fought the war
I was in the battle since it begun
I fought the war
But in the end the war won

©Copyright 2010
Essence Evans

Switchfoot - mess of me

These effing lyrics basically say how im feeling omg liek right out of my mouth!
How i feel!


I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I made a mess of me I wanna the get back rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It´s hard to free the ones you love
Oh when you can´t forgive yourself
Yeah forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

AHHHHHHOOOOO! Right

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drug to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
I´m breaking up
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

- Chorus -
I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!!

Nothing Yet?

So, i haven't recieved an e-mail from her yet or a phone call and im just so nervous right now. Like i dont even know what to expect right now. My mind is racing and im just thinking up all these different scenarios that could happen but yahhh. I need to calm down and just trust that she will contact me when time permits.

Omg tell me why stupid drama is starting and its so annoying like no one  is even trying to go on with that shit. It's so old and just bleh like really get the fuck over it. Immaturity but whatever.

Yay, Ariana is so here right now whoot! I havent seent his chick in forever! im so happy to see her right now.

Kay im done my mind is so random and i cant keep on one subject right now so im done!

Why?

Why does this stupid eating disorder control my life?


Why?

Blinded Misery

OH MY FUCKING GOSH!!!!!
Wait! Is this really happening to me?  I'm sorry come again? I can't believe my CFD Therapist is leaving CFD! I'm ... i'm ... i don't even fucking know what to feel?! All these emotions going through me, it hurts! I'm in complete utter shock! Wow! I can't stop crying. This woman has helped me through so much. Shes been through it with me. She fucking gets it. Yes someone who could tell you how im feeling. She always knew even when i didn't. Oh my gosh im panicking right now im freaking out im .. im ... i don't know. Im totally losing it.

i want to scream!

FUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!

I can't do recovery, not like this i just can't. It was hard enough but now not having her for support. WTF am i to do?


Damn ...



Me:Uhm? Hello? Who turned off the lights on this road?? I'm still trying to walk on it ...
Promise: Don't worry i'll guide you ...

Pain killer or killer pain?

Awe, CFLC going social is a no go. Myspace and Facebook have been deleted. Twitter was the only one that got the okay. BUUTT, CFLC is still going to stay up to date current with the networking sites they just have to do it their way ya know? I still get to help with it though, yay me!

Well, 1700mg of hydrocodone IB in me right now. Yahh, i took em both at 12. Pain killers? Or Killer pain? i have killer pain so why shouldn't i take pain killers? Nah, i just had severe GI tract cramping. Whoa, im learning too much in Nutritional class haha i learned the correct regions of the body. When you think your have stomach pain or what people call a "tummy ache", its actually your gastrointestinal tract cramping from the squeezing of peristalsis.  :D i love learning though! Hah, oh well as i flip crazy more  about my ED its really getting to me and i got a letter from my mom's work saying i have fucking insurance hell yes! So, if i needed inpatient again i could totally go and it'll be covered!!! Hooray! Thank you lord. I was becoming scared shitless about that. Well, it's late im tired and can't feel my body so it's time to go.

I hate you ED! 

Go away!

GO away!!

GO AWAY!!

P.S. Oh FYi i did end up joining Microsoft Office Class! :] And i had Cheez-itz on my way to class! Whoo!

Essence: 1                    ED: 0

Enrolled or not?

So, im sitting here in Microsoft Office Class because i guess i "joined" just for today though. Lol, i have absolutely no interest in joining but to help them out i guess so. Who knows maybe i'll change my mind and join but i highly doubt it. Anywho, the secret is out that CFLC has gone social! Social Networking that is but, if its to stay or not is still debatable for now. I hope so i can understand if they don't want CFLC on Myspace but Facebook and Twitter should be okay. Well, i guess im done for now. I have Philosophy 101 later today. Today has been good so far besides my sharp hunger pains in my stomach gaah i could so do without them. Maybe i'll just tell my ED to shut the hell up and ill eat something..


"Shut the fuck up ED!"



Hopefully, within this hour i will have the strength to disobey "promise" and eat something. I need to be healthy!

Fog

My mind is a fog. From time to time i find myself dreaming of how life would be without an eating disorder or any urges to cut myself. Everything seemed normal, everyone was happy, i was happy. I actually got to feel bad days and good days instead of being numb all the time.

Now, how to get there?

If i didn't have enough blogs..

I now have this one. I guess one to just add on to the things i need to update more often. Hah!