Obsessive Psychotic Phobia Disorder With Flashbacks (OPPDWF)
OPPDWF involves relentless, repetitive thoughts and ambitions combined with a clinically significant deviation from social norms during fearful episodes, complicated by sudden intrusions of traumatic memories.
Pathological Developmental Eating Syndrome (PDES)
PDES is characterized by obsessive and harmful thoughts and behaviors in conjunction with a childhood trauma impacting adult behavior during the consumption of food or beverages.
LMao
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
What are [the top] 10 things you want to accomplish before the end of 2010??
1)Get a Job
2) MOVE OUT
3)Fix my car
4)Finish General Education classes
5)Assemble my Youth Council Team
6)Sign a whole song in ASL/SEE
7)Lose Weight
8)Find a therapist
9)Find a psychiatrist
10)Help support/be there for someone.
ur black though...how can you avoid getting 'tan'?? lol even if ur not fullly black..
Haha thats why it said if you could CHANGE one thing about yourself. So that'd be the one thing i'd change!
An when i was born and for years until i started track im was very high yellow light skinned until track years made me spend more days in the sun!
Im NOT full black, and yeah i have a natural light skinned tan to me normally but if i stay in the sun like last year's beach trip i do get darker and that no bueno to me, honestly i hate it. i wanna stay on the lighter spectrum of things.
Monday, June 28, 2010
If you can change one thing in your life, what would it be?
My skin color lighter so i don't tan so easily!! I hate how im almost getting these tans when im constantly avoiding the sun!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
hey love, i've seen all of the things that people have said to you and about you & i just want to let you know that i loved in u at wvhs and i still love you today for you courage. how do u deal with the "nonsense"?
Awe, Thanks, Alexis!! Your amazing and made my day!
Basically i don't take it personally or seriously. These are people online who don't even know me personally and are just from an ED community on Myspace or my other sites that i have. They try and judge you from what you post on your site and think that once they know everything from your site to your posts that they've come to know who you really are and that it gives them right to make their rude comments or stand on their high horse and judge the way you live.
To me it means nothing. It gets annoying very quickly and thats when cursing is integrated into the mix, but i try not to because it's surely nothing to get worked up about over. They have no lives and are %75 of the time jealous and hateful in many ways.
I just let it go. Because in the end, they aren't in my shoes, walking through what i've been through or has seen what i seen. :]
Assistant Editor's Letter
As I sit writing this today, thinking back on how the 8 of us (including myself) was given this amazing opportunity in our life to become apart of a RC publication for a youth magazine. I can't help but be amazed and thankful to know that i am truly blessed by our Lord Christ himself to be where i am today, to be apart of window of opportunity that will open many more doors to come in my lifetime. As well as my partners who have also been awarded this outstanding opportunity of a lifetime. When will this ever come again in the the duration of your life? Who knows, it might not ever! Being offered a chance to be apart of a publication like this could be the key that unlocks the door to our world, it could uncover paths hidden by our past mistakes, or hidden by what we would define as our failures in a certain time of our life. It could possibly be our wings to our dreams, as much as it is to others. An open window of opportunity to do what we love in day to day life, but work with others who also share our same passion for writing, but with our own style thrown into it. Slowly, making our dream become a reality step by step. Right then and there, we all made a decision that we were not consciously aware, that we were making. When it became clear to us, that decision was made to go after what we wanted, to take a risk and challenge ourselves. To chase our dreams and turn them into a reality, this was our test. Our leap of faith. How much faith did we really have inside ourselves, to take a hold of the steering wheel to our life. Be in charge of our own futures and not let other road blocks, life hurdles, paths darkened by tragedy and past regrets factor in and corrosively mold our future which is clay, ready to be molded in the hands of its master. We all made the Leap! Just with that being seen and done, we all overcame something big, we proved to ourselves that, we; Albert, April, Jose, Mirtha, Wayne, Eileena, Gio, and i, Essence all have something to offer the world.
As we all went through the interview process, first meeting who'd be our future leading partners of it all; Aude Cabaldon, our publicist and Cheryl Rhodes the one in charge of it all. we presented our talent and skills, as proudly and maybe with a dash of shaken nerves as we could all the way down to the handshake, we gave it our best! Now, all that was left to do was wait for the call to see if we made the cut or not. It was only a couple of days, but those days felt like weeks! Cheryl and Aude made their decisions pretty quickly and started making phone calls to the lucky 8 who had made it out of 17 other people! Those lucky people were: April Garcia, Gio _____, Mirtha Galvan, Albert Ramirez, Wayne West, Eileena Chavez, Jose Carrilo , and me ... Essence Evans. It was amazing to receive that call and hear that i and my co-participant who also goes to my center made it. The feeling was amazing, it was indescribable. We got right to work the following week, and didn't waste no time getting down to business. We all met one another and seemed to click instantaneously. A bond was spawned, a bond like no other. Our diversities from our different life styles, areas of where we lived or interests brought out incredible ideas and results from within us and our collaborative brainstorms. We we great together as a group feeding off each other and supporting each other with our ideas even down to constructive critiquing. We were there for each other and was there to lend a hand without a second thought in a heartbeat. It was a blessing how our paths crossed and how the Lord brought each and everyone of us together to create something beautiful and that will be useful to other youths our age.
Going through these weeks were phenomenal! We all found our strengths and strengthen our weakness with the help of Aude, Cheryl, guest speakers, and one another. Wayne West became the Editor, I, Essence Evans became the Assistant Editor, Albert Ramirez became our Art Director, Mirtha Galvan in charge of Advertisement, and our writers April Garcia, Jose Carillo, and Eileena Chavez. We all wrote and helped each other with everyones task. We learned about our magazine and the terms and layout structures. We learned valuable concepts and key points of life that we'd probably never have the chance to learn anywhere else until later on in life. Getting to know one another and become closer, not only as a team but as a family. The pilot family of LeapRC, the ones who started it all, and will continue to work and thrive with it to the end if given the chance.
Of course, can't go without saying a couple of things about what wonderfully, amazing leaders we had through it all. Aude Cabaldon, who is helping us 8 youth's dreams become a reality, who is assisting us in help laying out our look for the magazine. Giving us his great guidance and helping us bloom into wise young adults. Leading us in the right direction where you never lose sight of the light because its always shining. Yes, shining showing us our way on our paths, but not only that light. The fire inside our hearts, burning with the passion to write and help make a difference in our community. To be the select few to stand up in our community and make that change, take the chance to be something great! As well as Cheryl Rhodes, this women is something else. Cheryl is an inspiring, brilliant women who i am blessed to have met and who is definitely apart of the people i thank God daily for allowing into my life. Cheryl is compassionate and admirable in every aspect to working and starting her own family business which is currently still thriving at its best! Wow, Cheryl is the match to our fires, we have all the materials, talent and knowledge we need to be successful creating this magazine, all we really needed is a little push in the right direction to get us going. Or in this case that one spark to light our fires and get our souls burning with the passion we've always had inside of us. That ember was just waiting for the right person and opportunity to bring it out of us.
I guess you can say we all learned something new about ourselves and found out another piece of information about ourselves that has possibly put us a step closer to our goal than we have yet to realize. We sometimes go through life focusing on what we wish we could've done, instead of realizing and being blessed for the things we have, the things we've gone through and the people we currently have in our lives. We over look the simplicities in life, when what we have is all we need to be truly happy in life. As the old saying goes "you never really appreciate what you have, until its gone." Once it's gone, it's too late to go back and have regrets, wishing on things you would have wanted to do differently or say the things you wish you would of had the chance to say to someone. Do it now, say it now. Don't wait until the last moment to start living your life, chasing your dreams or being true to yourself. Stop lying to yourself now, face your fears, say what you need to say. Love who you need to love, become who you need to become and be the one person you can be proud about when you lay head to rest day to day. Start today, that door won't remain open for long until it is closed and locked forever. This magazine was all about taking a chance, and teaching you to follow you heart and aim to make your dreams a reality. Take that extra step, take that LEAP! We, the LeApRC never aimed for failure, never prepared to fall from the stars in the sky, which accompanied our life dreams. Oh no, don't tell us the sky is the limit when there's footprints upon the moon. The sky was our limit, we aimed for the moon and we surpassed it as we enjoy our view amongst our stars. Living our life to the fullest. Not stopping there, this is only the beginning, only the pilot program. Don't confine us only to explore the universe around us, when there's other galaxies begging to be discovered as possible resources to put to use.
My life long dream, as a person in this lifetime is to help someone or make a difference in someone's life. To be their guiding North star, when the sun has set on a the day when they needed the sunshine most in their life. To lead them home, when they are lost and have drifted off their path of life, where their ambitions and self-worth as a person has become increasingly hard to see through the fog of the storm that is raging within their mind. To ease the aching pain and fill the void left in their heart, left by careless person. I, Essence Evans, to be that light, the helping hand above their self- dug hole that they've fallen too deep into to see their worth as a person, and for me to remind them of it. My dream, to be that sigh of relief, at the end of a tragedy or hardship ensuring them; everything will be okay. To shine like the north star that will lead them back to the doorstep of the home they were so frantically trying to escape, and welcome them, for they have been missed in their absence and that they do belong in this world. Aspire to resemble the promising sun, that will once again rise before you, illuminating your dreams, to enlighten your once darkened skies of life. To show compassion and lend my time to help direct and lead you back to your life's path, where you share your walk with God, realizing he never left your side to begin with. Inspire to be the reason behind your strength, that helps you climb out of the hole you once dug yourself to lay, as you fill it up with stepping stones of accomplishments, never again to stumble down that hole again. Even something as small as lending you my time with an open ear and heart, being the last thread in your line not to break. Or to ceasing your downward spiral, calming the raging storm within your mind helping you realize the true beauty of your life and capabilities. I would know, i as a person would have fulfilled my life long dream and potential as a person in this lifetime. I, Essence Evans, would had lived up to the meaning of my life as one of God's children.
This may be the first publication of LeapRC, but it will not be the last. To help change the outcome of our fellow youth's future and help better their resources with helpful information straight from their peers, while raising the statistics into achieving a better education for our age group is what keeps the fires lit, fiercely burning within our souls to continue writing and serving our community as best as we only know how to. It's been an honor to work with each and everyone of these brilliant and compassionate people. Knowing that our time is winding down and this eye opening adventure is coming to end, i wouldn't have wanted to walk this path with any other people, but them. For i am not leaving this experience empty handed, (as i'm sure neither are they) i've picked up wisdom. I've picked up a different view of life in general, as well as a different view of my own. We've created unforgettable memories, cleared our skies of grey and of who we will become in this world. Strides closer to a clue, to what difference we will make in this world, and who we'll become!
We all are armed with new life skills, strengthen weakness, broaden horizons, sharpened skills, perfected talents, and a new, intense flame burning within us, along with persevering motivation to get us through any hurdle life has to throw our way! No one's goals or dreams are out of reach, for all you have to do is get to the top of the mountain of excuses, dig deep inside yourself, brush the ashes off your heart, find that ember burning within, and LEAP! You'll have no choice but to fly!
Our wings, are our dreams, and on toward the sky!
By Assistant Editor,
Essence Evans
Near the end this program is eh .. but cheryl was amazing. i was overly nice writting this.
As we all went through the interview process, first meeting who'd be our future leading partners of it all; Aude Cabaldon, our publicist and Cheryl Rhodes the one in charge of it all. we presented our talent and skills, as proudly and maybe with a dash of shaken nerves as we could all the way down to the handshake, we gave it our best! Now, all that was left to do was wait for the call to see if we made the cut or not. It was only a couple of days, but those days felt like weeks! Cheryl and Aude made their decisions pretty quickly and started making phone calls to the lucky 8 who had made it out of 17 other people! Those lucky people were: April Garcia, Gio _____, Mirtha Galvan, Albert Ramirez, Wayne West, Eileena Chavez, Jose Carrilo , and me ... Essence Evans. It was amazing to receive that call and hear that i and my co-participant who also goes to my center made it. The feeling was amazing, it was indescribable. We got right to work the following week, and didn't waste no time getting down to business. We all met one another and seemed to click instantaneously. A bond was spawned, a bond like no other. Our diversities from our different life styles, areas of where we lived or interests brought out incredible ideas and results from within us and our collaborative brainstorms. We we great together as a group feeding off each other and supporting each other with our ideas even down to constructive critiquing. We were there for each other and was there to lend a hand without a second thought in a heartbeat. It was a blessing how our paths crossed and how the Lord brought each and everyone of us together to create something beautiful and that will be useful to other youths our age.
Going through these weeks were phenomenal! We all found our strengths and strengthen our weakness with the help of Aude, Cheryl, guest speakers, and one another. Wayne West became the Editor, I, Essence Evans became the Assistant Editor, Albert Ramirez became our Art Director, Mirtha Galvan in charge of Advertisement, and our writers April Garcia, Jose Carillo, and Eileena Chavez. We all wrote and helped each other with everyones task. We learned about our magazine and the terms and layout structures. We learned valuable concepts and key points of life that we'd probably never have the chance to learn anywhere else until later on in life. Getting to know one another and become closer, not only as a team but as a family. The pilot family of LeapRC, the ones who started it all, and will continue to work and thrive with it to the end if given the chance.
Of course, can't go without saying a couple of things about what wonderfully, amazing leaders we had through it all. Aude Cabaldon, who is helping us 8 youth's dreams become a reality, who is assisting us in help laying out our look for the magazine. Giving us his great guidance and helping us bloom into wise young adults. Leading us in the right direction where you never lose sight of the light because its always shining. Yes, shining showing us our way on our paths, but not only that light. The fire inside our hearts, burning with the passion to write and help make a difference in our community. To be the select few to stand up in our community and make that change, take the chance to be something great! As well as Cheryl Rhodes, this women is something else. Cheryl is an inspiring, brilliant women who i am blessed to have met and who is definitely apart of the people i thank God daily for allowing into my life. Cheryl is compassionate and admirable in every aspect to working and starting her own family business which is currently still thriving at its best! Wow, Cheryl is the match to our fires, we have all the materials, talent and knowledge we need to be successful creating this magazine, all we really needed is a little push in the right direction to get us going. Or in this case that one spark to light our fires and get our souls burning with the passion we've always had inside of us. That ember was just waiting for the right person and opportunity to bring it out of us.
I guess you can say we all learned something new about ourselves and found out another piece of information about ourselves that has possibly put us a step closer to our goal than we have yet to realize. We sometimes go through life focusing on what we wish we could've done, instead of realizing and being blessed for the things we have, the things we've gone through and the people we currently have in our lives. We over look the simplicities in life, when what we have is all we need to be truly happy in life. As the old saying goes "you never really appreciate what you have, until its gone." Once it's gone, it's too late to go back and have regrets, wishing on things you would have wanted to do differently or say the things you wish you would of had the chance to say to someone. Do it now, say it now. Don't wait until the last moment to start living your life, chasing your dreams or being true to yourself. Stop lying to yourself now, face your fears, say what you need to say. Love who you need to love, become who you need to become and be the one person you can be proud about when you lay head to rest day to day. Start today, that door won't remain open for long until it is closed and locked forever. This magazine was all about taking a chance, and teaching you to follow you heart and aim to make your dreams a reality. Take that extra step, take that LEAP! We, the LeApRC never aimed for failure, never prepared to fall from the stars in the sky, which accompanied our life dreams. Oh no, don't tell us the sky is the limit when there's footprints upon the moon. The sky was our limit, we aimed for the moon and we surpassed it as we enjoy our view amongst our stars. Living our life to the fullest. Not stopping there, this is only the beginning, only the pilot program. Don't confine us only to explore the universe around us, when there's other galaxies begging to be discovered as possible resources to put to use.
My life long dream, as a person in this lifetime is to help someone or make a difference in someone's life. To be their guiding North star, when the sun has set on a the day when they needed the sunshine most in their life. To lead them home, when they are lost and have drifted off their path of life, where their ambitions and self-worth as a person has become increasingly hard to see through the fog of the storm that is raging within their mind. To ease the aching pain and fill the void left in their heart, left by careless person. I, Essence Evans, to be that light, the helping hand above their self- dug hole that they've fallen too deep into to see their worth as a person, and for me to remind them of it. My dream, to be that sigh of relief, at the end of a tragedy or hardship ensuring them; everything will be okay. To shine like the north star that will lead them back to the doorstep of the home they were so frantically trying to escape, and welcome them, for they have been missed in their absence and that they do belong in this world. Aspire to resemble the promising sun, that will once again rise before you, illuminating your dreams, to enlighten your once darkened skies of life. To show compassion and lend my time to help direct and lead you back to your life's path, where you share your walk with God, realizing he never left your side to begin with. Inspire to be the reason behind your strength, that helps you climb out of the hole you once dug yourself to lay, as you fill it up with stepping stones of accomplishments, never again to stumble down that hole again. Even something as small as lending you my time with an open ear and heart, being the last thread in your line not to break. Or to ceasing your downward spiral, calming the raging storm within your mind helping you realize the true beauty of your life and capabilities. I would know, i as a person would have fulfilled my life long dream and potential as a person in this lifetime. I, Essence Evans, would had lived up to the meaning of my life as one of God's children.
This may be the first publication of LeapRC, but it will not be the last. To help change the outcome of our fellow youth's future and help better their resources with helpful information straight from their peers, while raising the statistics into achieving a better education for our age group is what keeps the fires lit, fiercely burning within our souls to continue writing and serving our community as best as we only know how to. It's been an honor to work with each and everyone of these brilliant and compassionate people. Knowing that our time is winding down and this eye opening adventure is coming to end, i wouldn't have wanted to walk this path with any other people, but them. For i am not leaving this experience empty handed, (as i'm sure neither are they) i've picked up wisdom. I've picked up a different view of life in general, as well as a different view of my own. We've created unforgettable memories, cleared our skies of grey and of who we will become in this world. Strides closer to a clue, to what difference we will make in this world, and who we'll become!
We all are armed with new life skills, strengthen weakness, broaden horizons, sharpened skills, perfected talents, and a new, intense flame burning within us, along with persevering motivation to get us through any hurdle life has to throw our way! No one's goals or dreams are out of reach, for all you have to do is get to the top of the mountain of excuses, dig deep inside yourself, brush the ashes off your heart, find that ember burning within, and LEAP! You'll have no choice but to fly!
Our wings, are our dreams, and on toward the sky!
By Assistant Editor,
Essence Evans
Near the end this program is eh .. but cheryl was amazing. i was overly nice writting this.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
if your fat then wth are the rest of us? huh.
You guys are perfectly fine and i see no flaws! It's only when i look at MYSELF, my eating disorder does not cause me to judge any of you!! It doesn't even work that way. My body dysmorphic disorder only causes me to judge my body and perceive it different shapes and sizes.. Why would you even think something like that? Huh? ... Calm down and i also suggest before you start taking offense to what i post on whichever site you came off of that you read up on eating disorders before you come at me with a questions like this...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
What should scientists invent?
transportation machine, like forreal! walking long distances when your out of gas is insanely exhausting :]
Aw, it was a quote from Girl, Interrupted. Lisa says it about her sociopath diagnoses. (Second to last post). It's my fav movie too.
Haha i LOVE taht movie its my number 1 fav! :D
i quit
I quit as of tonight! doesn't matter what it is that im quitting, just that i am and its good that i do. I need to stop picking up all these things that i think is going to ease the pain but in truth its only causing more.
God has blessed me by not getting caught up in it before so i shouldn't now, and for not wanting to or not being able to live without it like others.
Im done. im through. My willpower is too strong for this. It wassn't that answer. i think i was so ashamed of it that i choose not to be addicted to it i guess you can say since i have a very addictive personality to everything. So yeah.
It's done and over...
God has blessed me by not getting caught up in it before so i shouldn't now, and for not wanting to or not being able to live without it like others.
Im done. im through. My willpower is too strong for this. It wassn't that answer. i think i was so ashamed of it that i choose not to be addicted to it i guess you can say since i have a very addictive personality to everything. So yeah.
It's done and over...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Not eating. CFLC. Update.
Day: (10/14) Hours: [244/336]
4 hours into Day 10. I feel constantly lethargic. I can sleep anywhere at anytime. Ugh.
I lost 10-11lbs. a few hours into the 9th day i'd lost 9lbs. I exercised last night an today so hopefully its up to 11lbs-12lbs weight loss. I still feel and look disgusting. I have a bad feel this treatment thing isn't going to work out. Im so crushed and disappointed. I really wanted to do it too. Whatever i guess, maybe it's not meant to be and im not meant to recover yet.. It's getting easier to avoid meals. I tell parents if for some odd reason they ask, that i ate at the center and they just say "oh okay" and for the center i take food home which helps in tricking my family. So it all falls into line. My brother usually eats whatever i bring anyway so its not like its getting wasted.. I'm going to weigh myself at 630am before my shower.i hope i lost 2lbs or at least 1.5lbs. I hate that i still want to lose weight. It's like im compelled too. A voice way persuading and stronger than mine pulling me ever so lightly but with consistent force to keep in this stupid ED! WTF dude. AYE! I dont even know anymore....
Ugh i hate this. How awkward things are including food with me. How i won't be happy until i reach my goal weight but not even that is guaranteed. How no matter how much weight i lose, it'll never be enough. I hate it all! Then again, its the very thing keeping me sane. Helping me survive this house. Giving me my control over what i should of had control over all these years. Me, That wasn't the case though. Nope, sure wasn't the case..
Everything this summer so far is good in a aspect. Yeah, i don't have gas from my mom anymore and im going to have to figure transportation. But being at the center is worth walking 10miles to west valley/walmart to be picked up just to be there for the day. It is all worth it! I need a job, badly i so wish i could be in the summer program this time around omg that'd be major help. Haha, my goal is to work there one day. Lol i know kinda lame but its the kind of work i want to do. Interact with kids, teens, youths, young adults, okay ill take it and also being able to help them and be their support is great! I just need to start off as Stephanie's Assistant haha. Hm, one day.
Ima take like a 2 hr nap wake up and exercise and write this speech article really quick and stay up the remainder of the night. Listening to music thinking, reminiscing, dreaming, hoping, wishing, believing that somewhere out there, there is people who truly care about me. Who may not be my blood relatives, but has become family to me.
... wait, yupp. I've already found it; CFLC Empower Youth Center :]
Thank you, God!
I am blessed with such an amazing surrogate family, and that i was able to cross paths with each and everyone of these amazing people.
This place im at right now, it's just a house. When i go to CFLC, it's more than center, it's my home...
My home...
4 hours into Day 10. I feel constantly lethargic. I can sleep anywhere at anytime. Ugh.
I lost 10-11lbs. a few hours into the 9th day i'd lost 9lbs. I exercised last night an today so hopefully its up to 11lbs-12lbs weight loss. I still feel and look disgusting. I have a bad feel this treatment thing isn't going to work out. Im so crushed and disappointed. I really wanted to do it too. Whatever i guess, maybe it's not meant to be and im not meant to recover yet.. It's getting easier to avoid meals. I tell parents if for some odd reason they ask, that i ate at the center and they just say "oh okay" and for the center i take food home which helps in tricking my family. So it all falls into line. My brother usually eats whatever i bring anyway so its not like its getting wasted.. I'm going to weigh myself at 630am before my shower.i hope i lost 2lbs or at least 1.5lbs. I hate that i still want to lose weight. It's like im compelled too. A voice way persuading and stronger than mine pulling me ever so lightly but with consistent force to keep in this stupid ED! WTF dude. AYE! I dont even know anymore....
Ugh i hate this. How awkward things are including food with me. How i won't be happy until i reach my goal weight but not even that is guaranteed. How no matter how much weight i lose, it'll never be enough. I hate it all! Then again, its the very thing keeping me sane. Helping me survive this house. Giving me my control over what i should of had control over all these years. Me, That wasn't the case though. Nope, sure wasn't the case..
Everything this summer so far is good in a aspect. Yeah, i don't have gas from my mom anymore and im going to have to figure transportation. But being at the center is worth walking 10miles to west valley/walmart to be picked up just to be there for the day. It is all worth it! I need a job, badly i so wish i could be in the summer program this time around omg that'd be major help. Haha, my goal is to work there one day. Lol i know kinda lame but its the kind of work i want to do. Interact with kids, teens, youths, young adults, okay ill take it and also being able to help them and be their support is great! I just need to start off as Stephanie's Assistant haha. Hm, one day.
Ima take like a 2 hr nap wake up and exercise and write this speech article really quick and stay up the remainder of the night. Listening to music thinking, reminiscing, dreaming, hoping, wishing, believing that somewhere out there, there is people who truly care about me. Who may not be my blood relatives, but has become family to me.
... wait, yupp. I've already found it; CFLC Empower Youth Center :]
Thank you, God!
I am blessed with such an amazing surrogate family, and that i was able to cross paths with each and everyone of these amazing people.
This place im at right now, it's just a house. When i go to CFLC, it's more than center, it's my home...
My home...
I wish you could see the beautiful person I see when I look at your pictures. It hurts to know that you are risking so many health problems and possibly shortening your great life by letting your ED win [through fasting and starvation , etc.]
I wish i could see what you all see too, but i don't and i hate that. Im sorry that im hurting you. i am currently trying to go to IOP. This one place offerred me 90 days free and stuff but my parents dont want me to go because they believe i need something longer and that this would be a waste of time. i kept telling my mom this is the best its going to get because i have no insurance to get help or in any way to pay for it, so im really just stuck. Im going to do it anyway but its just the fact of getting to LA and back and forth to the treatment center my parents will not pay for my gas.. also at the high risk of being kicked out and not let back in after treatment.
So i guess in all im just tired of trying to find ways to get help and get better when none of the ways are working and no one is ever supportive. im just always being denied or left in the same situation of where i started or worse. I really dont know what im going to do at this point. so yeahh
We are very rare and we are mostly men.
Huh? Is it a decent man? MY Mr. Right? Lol. Jk Uhm, What are you talking about?
Monday, June 14, 2010
Too far to stop.
My fast has gone too far but im too far in it to stop ..
Day: (8/14) Hours: [202/336]
yah im like nauseous of food i dont want to think about eating any of it ..
i still dont know if this outpatient treatment thing is gunna work and end up pulling itself together but i hope it does soon or its just whatever screw it after this and i don't know if im ever gunna get help or treated for this stupid ED because out of all the efforts of my trying to go and search for treatment and get it or whatever it just doenst want to work out or nothing so what more can i do? Hmm? Nothing to it because just to go with it then.
Who know ... might hit a new LW... that'd be amazing.
Day: (8/14) Hours: [202/336]
yah im like nauseous of food i dont want to think about eating any of it ..
i still dont know if this outpatient treatment thing is gunna work and end up pulling itself together but i hope it does soon or its just whatever screw it after this and i don't know if im ever gunna get help or treated for this stupid ED because out of all the efforts of my trying to go and search for treatment and get it or whatever it just doenst want to work out or nothing so what more can i do? Hmm? Nothing to it because just to go with it then.
Who know ... might hit a new LW... that'd be amazing.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I could careless.
Have not eaten for 83 hours. im going for 14days (336hrs). 12days was my longest. im almost at the half way point ... Days:[4/14] Hours:(83/336)
i hate my body im doing something about it.
i hate my body im doing something about it.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Life ( Brief brief Update)
Life is really kicking in hard. Hah, uhm yeah might be doing treatment this summer if everything works out right. Which i know right now im hoping it is but right when i get down to it ima be scared shitless. I really am holding onto to this ED and i am having a hard time giving it up. Treatment wont be IP(inpatient) this time. It's going to be Outpatient. IF i can get in ... also theres more to it then im telling you right now, but for now this is all im permitted to say until further notice..
Truth: I can't see myself without having an ED
Lie: I think Recovery will work this time around.
Truth: My environment will relapse me and keep me relapsed.
Lie: One day i will love myself ....
Friday, June 4, 2010
wha t do you think is the sexiest type of dance?
Salsa? Haha, Isn't that a typical answer lol. Uhm yeah.. It depends though. You can definitely make lyrical dance sexy. :]
are you still trying to go into the military?
Noope, i'm not. Schooling is working out perfect for me. I was going to go in the military because i thought i'd get nowhere in school and for me it was an easy way out for my father pressuring me to go in it. Plus, with my health problems theres no way i'd pass the health exam to even get in ....
Thursday, June 3, 2010
hey girlie!? how is everything?
Everything is okay. Just trying to figure out this schooling situation and find a job for summer! ED wise is still a lot questionable adn something im not gunna touch on. Hah, so other than that everything is good and i can't wait to enjoy my summer and hang out with majority of my friends and new friends!
What do you think about formspring.me so far?
So far? i love the upgrade. I hated the freezing and the delayed posting of your answered questions. But, so far this is good.
What was the worst advice you've ever received?
Uhm, to just ignore it and act like nothings wrong. So its 50/50 because its my best advice to me but its the worst ever in many situations.
Who's the most talented person you know?
Mochi! Janine Gambito has an amazing voice, her acting is awarding winning and she plays a few instruments here and there. She's legit!
If you could go only to one restaurant for the next five years, which would it be?
Mm, tough tough. Uhm, Olive Garden, even though i've never been there i've always wanted to go there. :]
Would you rather swim in a pool or the ocean?
Pool usually, but the ocean is just as amazing with the waves and the deepness!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
Deng Lauren, never thought about it that way..
Not long. Week tops, because i possibly would get very upset with them and call them out on it and confront them. They wouldn't be in my life for long ...
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