Update:
So, on my blogs im going to be %100 truthful and brutally honest and not lie to myself and think that everything is okay and lie to myself when things really aren’t. They second i got home i weighed myself and i did not like number that i saw on the scale and i was completely disgusted. i wasnt at all shocked though because i felt it in my clothes, i felt it in my skin, and my mind was telling me that i had gained and unacceptable and disappointing amount of weight and i never doubt it for a second. Although, as i tried to adhere to my eating schedule the Reasons Residential has set; it was quickly shot done by the new rules that i had to abide and that totally cancelled out my HS snack because i was not allowed to eat after to 6pm the kitchen was closed at that times and i had to start cooking my dinner at 1600hr (4pm) and be eating it at 1700hrs. It was ridiculous my lunch hour was pretty much the only thing that stayed the same and my breakfast was the same. I was given no time to transition and i even asked for the time as i was woken up at 0600 to dragged on an exercise expedition that i didnt even ask to go on or had no prior commitment to going or knowing about but they said the it was in their routine and all of a sudden i had to fall in to their “ routine” and i didnt even get to create my own or even get time to transition and even unpack. So, making me do 3 miles, not to mention then also making comments that is i continue to do walks like this that i can tone up and wont have to feel as bad about myself. Of course, as soon as i got home they commented on my body weight and how they like my weight better this way and how me being that skinny was gross and i looked to sickly. I immediately told her that i hated my body and that i missed that body weight and i wanted to lose 20lbs and i couldnt even fit any of my clothes now and i look horrible in anything that i wear now. She replied with the response i expected and assumed she would say, which was; oh, you like fine and you dont need to lose any weight just tone up with some weights and im down to lose 10lbs with you;”
That was because i told her i wanted to lose 10lbs so she said okay… uhm, like i just haven’t got out an eating disorder residential and inpatient facility for 6months with beginners kidney damage.. its just like she doesnt get it or comprehend the fact of my eating disorder and its complication and severeness. My Anorexia will take any loop hole it can take to try to get away with things especially with trying to not eat and and to lose weight.
So, here’s where the confessions come in at. The first day i purged. i was late for lunch because i was i still driving up home.
Confession 2 i started diet pills and laxatives again i found my stash again. Im just so desperate to lose weight and get back to a weight thats acceptable and that wont trigger me every fucking time i take a shower, get dress, look in a damn mirror, or see myself in a damn picture.
Confession 3: i returned back into my over-exercising phase again. I glad woke up with my parents in the morning at 0600hrs to actually do the 3miles hell, why not. Then after i did a 30min session of yoga a 10 session of stretching for a cool down. Today June 9, 2017 i did 11miles. Yeah i walked to my friends house instead of taking the bus just for the exercise it took about 3hrs to get there in about 83 to 85 degree weather and i got my runners and high. i honestly loved it while i kept disassociating in out almost the whole time; imagine different fucking scenarios in my head, fucking flashbacks, shitty stuff, wishing i would of stay at Reasons and about how fucked up my life is about to become going this another relapse.. Fuck and i dont even have a therapist yet and my psychiatrist is in the process; orientation is next friday June 16th and 1400hrs. S so hopefully can switch my psychiatrist to someone else other than doctor Chahal.
Confession 4: I only bought diet food and now dinners foods on purpose because i was planning on not eating dinner. I tried and did avoid eating with them so i can say that i ate when i really didnt or just restrict a little. So, i ended i stopped eating and i dont even the protein bars that i even bought but i will be utilizing them later.
Confession 5 i have lost 10 lbs already relapsing and doing my unhealthy behaviors. Apart of me wants to feel guilty but the ED part of me is so proud and just so addicted to the losing a weight and just encouraging me to stay on track and keep going. Im just ambivalent and just once again stuck at a crossroad that i thought that i had made a decision and chosen a direction already. Truth is, i dont know what i want and i pretend that i do, i pretend that in all put together, i know what i want, and i got my goals and dreams in mind to achieve; but holy fuck i am a wreck and i just want to break down!!!! im tired of being the strong one around here taking care of everyone else which dont take it the wrong one i care for everyone and i dont mind giving advice and being there for them. It just that i feel like i have no support so i turn to my eating disorder which i personified as a female named; Promise. Promise is the one i always turn to for support and thats acting in all the negating behaviors leading to, well you know what…
Confession 6 This is the most challenging, heart breaking, and disappointing things to confess and admit. I really dont want to type this right now. Please, just DM message me because theirs is alot of people who still dont know about this.
Okay, that is all for now ill try to keep updating daily. Sorry i didnt update for the few day i was getting settled in. Pray for me, as i am currently relapsed and fighting for recovery..
EscapingTheCage (Essence)
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