The Day I Choose To Leave Myself Behind (Late post 6/16/17)

I’m coming to terms that my mask needs to come off because I have all you fooled! Outside I’m lively, laughing, outgoing, strong and persevering; when on the inside I’m destroyed, weak, dead, numb, and lost in this inner turmoil. Struggling just to live each day, deciding each day not to harm myself, or if I’m going to eat or not. Each day if I going to continue to exist to chase my dreams and ambitions to make a difference. I’ve grown numb to the pain inside that I’m able to still have the show go on, and have none of you even question; if I’m ever okay..

I’m not okay, and I tried of acting like I am..

On, June 12th, I was not transitioning well at, i was still severely missing being in treatment and having so many regrets and wondering if i made the right decision and over analyzing. I was so devastated, painfully devastated, to where i was thrown into this deep, rock bottom depressive state. Blind sighted, its wave washed over me; washing away all my happiness, hope, dreams and ambitions. i was was crying hardcore no stop, i mean it! i couldnt stop, i cried for hours in my bed, i cried, i couldn’t go downstairs and show my face at all so i did’t eat. Then i started having an intense panic attack, i couldnt breathe, i couldnt stop crying, all i envisioned were the bad memories replaying in my head and it didnt help that i was in the same house that it was happening in and the person, that i couldn’t find any strength within me to stop it; reassuring myself that im safe inside my room. As every single memory broke my heart. Every single person, i had a certain type a “Trusting” connection (Therapists, Dietitians, All Past ED Treatment Centers’ 01 ecause i feel it rush throughout my body, and i can’t really pinpoint why, but it felt like thunder vibrating my body. To this day, i still cant handle that heart breaking moment, ever so slightly tearing at your soul from our”goodbyes” that we exchanged; as they all only leave me with memories of how they changed my life.

Thats when my mood shifted, i had stopped crying and i was on my phone going through Instagram, completely numbed out. Then i remember this one picture in particular that i saw, it said something about ‘ never giving up taking it one day at a time and happy days are coming” something like that. All i can remember was how much that stupid picture infuriated me. How i wanted to repost it with a rant caption, because that day; i wasnt feeling like that, so it pissed me off. At that moment currently, i wanted to be not okay.. So many quotes and things telling you it’s all going to be alright, and not to feel sad, but why not? How come I’m not allowed to feel other emotions just because they have some negative connotation to them or not accepted by others to feel sad, depressed, suicidal, and just plain not okay..

I had called Reasons with the intention of asking the staff for help, D answered, all I could do was. Cry as I told her nothing is alright and trying to clue her in. D asked me what was my reason for calling and if I was feeling safe I didn’t answer and just cried.!after she said she had to go and to go utilize my other resources. I felt discouraged, hurt, disregarded. It’s. okay, D is not a mind reader or a therapist/counselor; just a MHW.

I wasn’t okay, and that what I was assured of when I overdosed, by trying to take meds and bathroom cleaner. I was okay with choosing to give up and leave myself that day, leave everything that day. That day it became an option that was able I be selected and that I no longer questioned because my pain and suffering heavily out weighed the regret and wanted that freedom from from the hell on earth. So to getaway was to leave earth. I’m so over all this bad luck, and then I didn’t ant to hear another keep your head up, as you try to look at me like you understand, but you don’t know. So, just let me give up. (I’m down 19lbs already)

In that day I wanted to stop trying. That day, I stopped fighting.

I chose to leave myself…

EscapingTheCage

4 days discharged from Reason

Update:

So, on my blogs im going to be %100 truthful and brutally honest and not lie to myself and think that everything is okay and lie to myself when things really aren’t. They second i got home i weighed myself and i did not like number that i saw on the scale and i was completely disgusted. i wasnt at all shocked though because i felt it in my clothes, i felt it in my skin, and my mind was telling me that i had gained and unacceptable and disappointing amount of weight and i never doubt it for a second. Although, as i tried to adhere to my eating schedule the Reasons Residential has set; it was quickly shot done by the new rules that i had to abide and that totally cancelled out my HS snack because i was not allowed to eat after to 6pm the kitchen was closed at that times and i had to start cooking my dinner at 1600hr (4pm) and be eating it at 1700hrs. It was ridiculous my lunch hour was pretty much the only thing that stayed the same and my breakfast was the same. I was given no time to transition and i even asked for the time as i was woken up at 0600 to dragged on an exercise expedition that i didnt even ask to go on or had no prior commitment to going or knowing about but they said the it was in their routine and all of a sudden i had to fall in to their “ routine” and i didnt even get to create my own or even get time to transition and even unpack. So, making me do 3 miles, not to mention then also making comments that is i continue to do walks like this that i can tone up and wont have to feel as bad about myself. Of course, as soon as i got home they commented on my body weight and how they like my weight better this way and how me being that skinny was gross and i looked to sickly. I immediately told her that i hated my body and that i missed that body weight and i wanted to lose 20lbs and i couldnt even fit any of my clothes now and i look horrible in anything that i wear now. She replied with the response i expected and assumed she would say, which was; oh, you like fine and you dont need to lose any weight just tone up with some weights and im down to lose 10lbs with you;”

That was because i told her i wanted to lose 10lbs so she said okay… uhm, like i just haven’t got out an eating disorder residential and inpatient facility for 6months with beginners kidney damage.. its just like she doesnt get it or comprehend the fact of my eating disorder and its complication and severeness. My Anorexia will take any loop hole it can take to try to get away with things especially with trying to not eat and and to lose weight.

So, here’s where the confessions come in at. The first day i purged. i was late for lunch because i was i still driving up home.

Confession 2 i started diet pills and laxatives again i found my stash again. Im just so desperate to lose weight and get back to a weight thats acceptable and that wont trigger me every fucking time i take a shower, get dress, look in a damn mirror, or see myself in a damn picture.

Confession 3: i returned back into my over-exercising phase again. I glad woke up with my parents in the morning at 0600hrs to actually do the 3miles hell, why not. Then after i did a 30min session of yoga a 10 session of stretching for a cool down. Today June 9, 2017 i did 11miles. Yeah i walked to my friends house instead of taking the bus just for the exercise it took about 3hrs to get there in about 83 to 85 degree weather and i got my runners and high. i honestly loved it while i kept disassociating in out almost the whole time; imagine different fucking scenarios in my head, fucking flashbacks, shitty stuff, wishing i would of stay at Reasons and about how fucked up my life is about to become going this another relapse.. Fuck and i dont even have a therapist yet and my psychiatrist is in the process; orientation is next friday June 16th and 1400hrs. S so hopefully can switch my psychiatrist to someone else other than doctor Chahal.

Confession 4: I only bought diet food and now dinners foods on purpose because i was planning on not eating dinner. I tried and did avoid eating with them so i can say that i ate when i really didnt or just restrict a little. So, i ended i stopped eating and i dont even the protein bars that i even bought but i will be utilizing them later.

Confession 5 i have lost 10 lbs already relapsing and doing my unhealthy behaviors. Apart of me wants to feel guilty but the ED part of me is so proud and just so addicted to the losing a weight and just encouraging me to stay on track and keep going. Im just ambivalent and just once again stuck at a crossroad that i thought that i had made a decision and chosen a direction already. Truth is, i dont know what i want and i pretend that i do, i pretend that in all put together, i know what i want, and i got my goals and dreams in mind to achieve; but holy fuck i am a wreck and i just want to break down!!!! im tired of being the strong one around here taking care of everyone else which dont take it the wrong one i care for everyone and i dont mind giving advice and being there for them. It just that i feel like i have no support so i turn to my eating disorder which i personified as a female named; Promise. Promise is the one i always turn to for support and thats acting in all the negating behaviors leading to, well you know what…

Confession 6 This is the most challenging, heart breaking, and disappointing things to confess and admit. I really dont want to type this right now. Please, just DM message me because theirs is alot of people who still dont know about this.

Okay, that is all for now ill try to keep updating daily. Sorry i didnt update for the few day i was getting settled in. Pray for me, as i am currently relapsed and fighting for recovery..

EscapingTheCage (Essence)