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Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
What is the first thing you notice about people?
The way the interact with others, as well as their body language!
What career do you plan to pursue?
Well, I'm currently pursuing to double major in Nursing and Psychology. As you may not know; i'm seeking out my careers through the NAVY. Since you can not go straight into Psychology when you join the NAVY you have to pick another field to start with first; then transfer after a few years. I decided to study Nursing (or what the call Corpsman) since i LOVE the medical field, then transfer to NAVY Counselor as they call it and beginning my field in Psychology, since i have more of a PASSION for it, then soon, open up my on Private Practice :]
Who is your best friend and why?
Crystal G. :D. I met her freshman year but we didn't start hanging out until grade 10. We had a few classes together and she is just an great person to be around. Crystal managed to stick with me in P.E. while i did my miles, not most people can! She has stuck with me through a lot of shit that most so called "friends" didn't and we have similar likes and interests in common! Including birthstones, haha! Just a person you can rely on and put your trust in %100. In times of need she has been there, also in times of fun we always have a good time together, regardless of what were doing! Even if we don't talk for awhile or in different cities are friendship doesn't change, but grows stronger.
What two things could you not do when you were a child, but you can do now?
Uhm, i could pretty much do most things. I was not sheltered as a child. Plus, i had older siblings, as the saying goes "anything you can do, i can do better.." constant competition lol.
Do you have any special talents?
Singing, acting, dancing and gymnastics. Oh, and writing poetry on the side of course :p
What is your favorite color and why?
Purple, Green, and Black are my top. Purple because the color is pretty in almost any shade. Green i like, because in a sense means something good to me. Black because anything goes with that shade. :]
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
Typically, i think, yes! But, since the center of the earth is basically molten iron and nickel, you'd probably burn up and disintegrate into ash then into nothing, before you even reach the exact center, since temperatures are insane.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?
Uhm, octopus? Yeah, it was a minature octopus. Tentacles, head and everything were still attached. It was a whole octopus, many of them on my plate. Not bad, a bit chewy though! Haha :p
If you could make one person fall in love with you who would it be?
No one, i don't want to force them. I want it to happen naturally. :D
Honestly... I feel... like I have unfinished emotional buisness to do. Half of it is already done, but the other isn't. I hope I get to finish it before the year is over. and oo ok. I feel glad you understand why people manipulate others then. nm then =-]
It's unfortunate that you have unfinished business, but if it has nothing to do with me then i would like it if you refrain from bringing me into it. If it does deal with me then tell me straight out. Other than that, i have nothing left to say and I'm sure my decision has already been made..
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Since your a Psychology major, I just thought I'd share this final word of advice with you. If people arn't able to express their feelings into words, they're going to have a lot of problems! exp: abuse depression manipulation ect That isall what I meant.
Uhm, okay, whatever. Basically you're telling me something I already know .. I guess what I really want to get at is, what the hell does it have to do with me?? Now that's what I meant. I understand what was said, just not the reason of why you felt that you had to write it in my formspring, and anonymous at that. So, what feelings are YOU hiding behind? What's keeping you from being honest with yourself? An why are you projecting your opinions onto others??
Friday, December 24, 2010
What annoys you the most??
People who think they know what you feel or what's best for your life. When in reality they have no fucking clue. When sometimes listening to them is leads your life down the wrong road, it may be right for them but not you and they to learn to respect that or step back.. It's harsh but honest!
If your heart says to do something, you should do it and say forget what my mind says. There's a reason why you feel that way from the start.
Im not sure what this is trying to say? Please explain more?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
What's the last song that you listened to?
Victoria Justice - Freak the Freak Out! Shoot i la la love this song!!
If you could be invited to one person's birthday party, whose would it be?
Crystal and mine's! Haha, were doing it big this year! 21
If you could change one thing that happened last year what would it be?
Well since it's basically 2011 im answering like it meant 2010.. I NEVER would have moved out..
Are those your real eyes? if so i love them! their gorgeous! :)
They might as well be. i'm so blind it's not even funny.
What comes to mind when i say Linkin park?
Uhm, woah i haven't listened to them in awhile since the first Twilight? That song they have playing, Leave out all the rest?? haha, as you can see they aren't may favorite band but i know somewhat of them.
What type of guys are you into?
Hah, uhm guys that have something going for themselves. Respectful and not afraid to be romantic out in public and can always make me laugh. He has to be outgoing, active and able to keep up with me because im everywhere! Also to share similar interests is a plus but not requirement. I like differences or trying something new, it'll keep the day interesting. He has to be up for long talks, walks and random conversations. My height are taller :P Also, chivalry in my book, is not dead! :]
Sunday, December 19, 2010
oh really? dude are a monkey! haha thats good you drink coffee and not those energy drinks. some people drink that shit like every day?! i need soda and 1 a day energy vitamins to keep awake better. lol
That's good. Coffee isn't really that healthy in mass quantities.
its not? oh welll 'lol yeah theres not much to do at night. was on the phone til 2 but they left but wasnt tired still.how do u life with no sleep all the time?! lol
Lol, nope! For some reason i just love nighttime it has that certain appeal to me, and i usually end up regretting it when im chuggin` pots of coffee just to focus. i kind of have no choice when it comes to staying awake. I can't sleep until im like passing out tired. During school this was a positive and a negative. A positive because i had the whole night to study and do homework, negative because during lectures i would fall asleep. I even had a instructor ask me how i passed with a good grade if i was always sleep. Hah!
said u had a twitter so i thought id see what the hell u were talking about. plus ur really easy to find. lol thought id drop in say hi and see how it works.
Haha, this isn't Twitter! Yeah, my secret world of online life! What i retreat to when i have insomnia episode like these and dont sleep for days.
yeah ur over thinking this lol dude i talked to u 2 days ago on the phone lol
Ohhh! Wow, i really over thought that! Whoa, how'd you find my formspring?
haha i deleted my sites long ago. lol i can give u a hint yeah? lol im unpredictable!
Unpredictable? Hm, i have many friends that are like that. i want to think that your like from australia or different time zone because its 430 in the morning where im at when im suppose to be sleep and your up? and if thats the case im so toally lost.. Deleted your sites? How come? and if so how'd did you find my FormSpring? Haha, maybe im over thinking this? but yeah how?
same here! i think doing what you truly want is the only way to happiness. besides you only live once so why not spend your life living by your own rules? its the only way you can create your own light.
Yupp! Why are you anonymous? Reveal yourself to me :D i don't know which of my sites you are from.
hell yeah! i dont see how people live each day doing the same shit as everyone else. i say do whatever the hell you want
Agreed! I just hate being a follower. I'm random and spontaneous and i like to take charge of my own life. I'd rather create a path of my own than walk a road that someone has already paved.. Life is what you make of it! And honestly right now, im the happiest i've been in years doing what I WANT to do and not trying to please everyone else..
why be normal wh en different is better right? =-]
Exactly! love being different and i won't fit in for nobody! :]
huh how come?
Oh the "anytime" lol usually people never responded back so i was use to that. Buh, im glad you responded back hah :]
i remember quite awhile ago you said you were bi or gay...since then you have flip flopped a bit.
Never was lesbian! Wasn't bi. I was bi-curious. I pulled that shit back as a freshman or what not.. Im straight, always have been and always will be.. Why? Where did this come from all of a sudden?
Definition of Bi-curious: Bi-curious is a term used to refer to someone who does not identify as bisexual or homosexual but feels or shows some curiosity in a relationship or sexual activity with someone of the same sex.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
What changed 2 weeks ago?
He liked someone else, i don't cock block! Also the girl he likes is a nice girl. Plus, if you like them that much its best to let them go and be happy... Ya know? I mean it'd be awesome if he liked me back but the chances of that happening is probably slim. So why should i put myself through the pain of watching who i like, like someone else?
You haven't dated anyone in awhile, are you gay, bi straight? Do you have a crush on anyone?
Whoa, stalking my personal life much, haha? I chose to be single because i couldn't deal with a relationship while dealing with other stuff, but all that's done with and i am dating! Oh gosh Im straight!! If you would of asked me if a had a crush 2 weeks ago i would of said yes, but it has ended and that ship has sailed ... So my answer is no to the crush thing. Life continues..
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
how are things with you ed wise?
Mm, still hard, im struggling a bit and trying to get used to my body nd my weight.
Friday, December 10, 2010
What's Eating You?
** Updated 12/10/2010 800pm*** ( ijust realized it ended and was not cancelled but i still mean what i typed!)
Well hell i'll tell you. Society! Society is so fucking screwed that 50% of girls between the age of 11 and 13 think they're fat. The tv show; "What's Eating You?" has been freakking cancelled and i couldn't be more upset.. They allow these fat shows to be on and the 600 pound lady, or 700 pound man whatever it was to be aired and documented as well as other of people eating themselves into a coma and obliterating weeks of food in one day, yet the cancel tv shows about Eating Disorders or cancel documentaries. In all honesty IT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING. Yet the overweight people are eating all the food as the anorexic or bulimic is not or throwing it up. They are all under one category and that's EATING DISORDERS! Binge eating is classified in the DSM -IV as and Eating Disorder.
I understand that while airing these documentaries or tv shows about Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa may be dangerous because girls and boys may be given ideas and tempted to try them. It also spreads awareness and information to a parent, friend, or loved one that is watching the show to recognize some behaviors they engage in or personality changes. Basically clues them into that something may not be right they may be more inclined to get help for their loved one or maybe the individual with the eating maybe able to recognize and realize what they're doing isn't healthy and that they are not alone! To where they can be inspired by the person on the show to actually go out and seek help before its too late, or before they start losing jobs, friends, family and ultimately their life...
Showing the morbidly obese people and can be just as damaging as showing anorectics on tv. On this season (season 10) of Biggest Loser one of the contestants named Lisa Mosley, her daughter was hospitalized for severe hydration, what was the cause? She had begun to STARVE herself of food and liquid because she didn't want to become fat like her mom.. For others it may be seeing obese people on the screen that makes them think twice about having desert.. then its turns into maybe not having seconds of dinner.. not having dinner, skipping lunch and not eating breakfast as you add 2 hours of exercise to your day. I agree the same can happen with seeing anorexic models or actresses too. Girls aspire to be like them, to be that thin. Both of them are extremes. You either hate being fat or you love it. You either love being skinny or rather die before you gain 25lbs.. i know because i've experience the feeling from both. Seeing obese and anorexic people. Thats just the way my mentality and brain chemistry works. Neither one helps, our society has seen both a rise in obesity and eating disorders. This fucking world is obsessed with weight. You can't watch tv, listen to the radio, drive you car or go anywhere with out hearing about how to lose fucking weight or how to shave those 5 inches of fat off your belly. How to make your new years resolution goal after 5 years of setting it because you can't keep the damn fork out your mouth and your butt off the couch.. (sorry that was a bit harsh). THen the diet pills left and right; lose 15 lbs in 2 weeks with diet and exercise.. Are you serious right now? I hardly ate and was exercise all through out the night and lost about 7lbs in that time span because half the time i was on my knees clenching my chest because my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to jump out of my chest. Not to mention every time i tried to get up it felt like the world was shifting and gravity double and i ended up back on the floor.
Eating disorders are nothing to take lightly.. Binge eating, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, ED-NOS, or PICA they all are dangerous. Their symptoms maybe different but one thing they share in common is Death.
Which brings me to this, symptoms. The food, like however they handle the food whether they binge and purge, restrict, sabotage, hide, arrange, cut into tiny pieces, color sort, make them not touch etc. etc. its all just a SYMPTOM!! Just in case you didn't get this.. the reaction to and with food is just a SYMPTOM!! So forcing shoving food down their throats and forcing them to eat, locking the bathroom so the can't purge, locking the fridge so they can't binge IS NOT GOING TO WORK!! The those are actually the worst possible things you can do actually which is trying to control the food and their body.. It's GOING to make it worse. Not it might.. it's going to. You trying to override their control is just going to make them try and do the same and override your control and make them worse off then what they started at. Trust, the whole reason of why they are doing it is because they have lsot control of the things in their life, lost control of their life that it seems the only thing left that they have to control is their body..
And for someone to try and take that control away from them is the ultimate challenge. It takes time and therapy, or therapy isn't enough and your running out of time residential treatment or inpatient hospital.
Anyways, that was just my two cents on the issue just so pissed over how people can be so discriminative about seeing an anorexic on tv yet they let obese people run wild. If you take one.. take both! Both are damaging to the health..
Last thing is there is no cure for eating disorders. Period. You may stop acting in the behaviors and start eating healthy and not obsessing, but the thoughts are always, i mean ALWAYS hidden in the back of your mind. Its a daily fight that is not easy to just not act on them. For some its easier than others. All this coming from a person who has struggled with an ED for 10 years come February..
Feel free to post your Opinions, comments or concerns..
Well hell i'll tell you. Society! Society is so fucking screwed that 50% of girls between the age of 11 and 13 think they're fat. The tv show; "What's Eating You?" has been freakking cancelled and i couldn't be more upset.. They allow these fat shows to be on and the 600 pound lady, or 700 pound man whatever it was to be aired and documented as well as other of people eating themselves into a coma and obliterating weeks of food in one day, yet the cancel tv shows about Eating Disorders or cancel documentaries. In all honesty IT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING. Yet the overweight people are eating all the food as the anorexic or bulimic is not or throwing it up. They are all under one category and that's EATING DISORDERS! Binge eating is classified in the DSM -IV as and Eating Disorder.
I understand that while airing these documentaries or tv shows about Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa may be dangerous because girls and boys may be given ideas and tempted to try them. It also spreads awareness and information to a parent, friend, or loved one that is watching the show to recognize some behaviors they engage in or personality changes. Basically clues them into that something may not be right they may be more inclined to get help for their loved one or maybe the individual with the eating maybe able to recognize and realize what they're doing isn't healthy and that they are not alone! To where they can be inspired by the person on the show to actually go out and seek help before its too late, or before they start losing jobs, friends, family and ultimately their life...
Showing the morbidly obese people and can be just as damaging as showing anorectics on tv. On this season (season 10) of Biggest Loser one of the contestants named Lisa Mosley, her daughter was hospitalized for severe hydration, what was the cause? She had begun to STARVE herself of food and liquid because she didn't want to become fat like her mom.. For others it may be seeing obese people on the screen that makes them think twice about having desert.. then its turns into maybe not having seconds of dinner.. not having dinner, skipping lunch and not eating breakfast as you add 2 hours of exercise to your day. I agree the same can happen with seeing anorexic models or actresses too. Girls aspire to be like them, to be that thin. Both of them are extremes. You either hate being fat or you love it. You either love being skinny or rather die before you gain 25lbs.. i know because i've experience the feeling from both. Seeing obese and anorexic people. Thats just the way my mentality and brain chemistry works. Neither one helps, our society has seen both a rise in obesity and eating disorders. This fucking world is obsessed with weight. You can't watch tv, listen to the radio, drive you car or go anywhere with out hearing about how to lose fucking weight or how to shave those 5 inches of fat off your belly. How to make your new years resolution goal after 5 years of setting it because you can't keep the damn fork out your mouth and your butt off the couch.. (sorry that was a bit harsh). THen the diet pills left and right; lose 15 lbs in 2 weeks with diet and exercise.. Are you serious right now? I hardly ate and was exercise all through out the night and lost about 7lbs in that time span because half the time i was on my knees clenching my chest because my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to jump out of my chest. Not to mention every time i tried to get up it felt like the world was shifting and gravity double and i ended up back on the floor.
Eating disorders are nothing to take lightly.. Binge eating, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, ED-NOS, or PICA they all are dangerous. Their symptoms maybe different but one thing they share in common is Death.
Which brings me to this, symptoms. The food, like however they handle the food whether they binge and purge, restrict, sabotage, hide, arrange, cut into tiny pieces, color sort, make them not touch etc. etc. its all just a SYMPTOM!! Just in case you didn't get this.. the reaction to and with food is just a SYMPTOM!! So forcing shoving food down their throats and forcing them to eat, locking the bathroom so the can't purge, locking the fridge so they can't binge IS NOT GOING TO WORK!! The those are actually the worst possible things you can do actually which is trying to control the food and their body.. It's GOING to make it worse. Not it might.. it's going to. You trying to override their control is just going to make them try and do the same and override your control and make them worse off then what they started at. Trust, the whole reason of why they are doing it is because they have lsot control of the things in their life, lost control of their life that it seems the only thing left that they have to control is their body..
And for someone to try and take that control away from them is the ultimate challenge. It takes time and therapy, or therapy isn't enough and your running out of time residential treatment or inpatient hospital.
Anyways, that was just my two cents on the issue just so pissed over how people can be so discriminative about seeing an anorexic on tv yet they let obese people run wild. If you take one.. take both! Both are damaging to the health..
Last thing is there is no cure for eating disorders. Period. You may stop acting in the behaviors and start eating healthy and not obsessing, but the thoughts are always, i mean ALWAYS hidden in the back of your mind. Its a daily fight that is not easy to just not act on them. For some its easier than others. All this coming from a person who has struggled with an ED for 10 years come February..
Feel free to post your Opinions, comments or concerns..
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
what do you like to do for fun?
To hang out with my friends anywhere we go! Chill at parks or walk around the mall, go to the beach, hang out over someones house, play video games, cards or games in general! Act all sorts of crazy :]
Monday, December 6, 2010
What type of music you like?
Country, Rock, Alternative, Christian, JPop, Jrock, Kpop, Oldies, some R&B, things along that line. I listen to things at least once.. i love songs that have a message in their song that i can relate to or that appeals to my mood or emotions. I love music!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
Angelina Jolie, hands down!!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Would you consider self-injury just a symptom, or it's own form of psychological disorder?
I would consider it its own psychological disorder. Before i had my ED i started cutting first, and then in became intertwined with everything else. So, yeah i would definitely have it in its own category, because some people just struggle with cutting and nothing else, where others struggle from many different other things but the cutting is never seen as a problem by itself..
But, yeah thats my opinion :]
Sunday, November 14, 2010
formspring.me
The only place you could talk shit, and not get hit :] Whatcha want? http://formspring.me/MszCatastrophe
I am sorry to hear that hun. what caused it?
What caused what? I might of posted something awhile back but i can't remember what, so jog my memory really quick ...
Dear my ED, Promise
********************WARNiNG: Triggering************************
Dear Promise,
What happened to what you promised me? Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me what would become of my life? My physical health? Mental health? Emotional health? My friends? My family? Me? Why? Why didn't you tell me this would become my one true obsession? My hell? You promised me that losing weight and being skinny, skinnier, skinniest would solve all my problems.. You promised that things would be okay if i lowered the number on the scale, or became self disciplined and had self control and learned to become perfect and flawless that life itself would be as tranquil as the sea. You once again, lied to me. At first, you were the perfect answer to everything! You showed up unannounced right when i really needed someone to depend on because, i was so confused, lost, hurt and naive at the time and had no one to turn to. No one but you! Promise, you helped me deal with a shit load of things and were with me all the time! You never left my side, no, not even my mind. What i didn't know was your evil intentions on taking my thoughts hostage and controlling my mind. As you whispered sweet nothings into my ear, and deceivingly warmed my heart when my physical body temperature dropped to its lowest of 88.7 degrees, or how you showed me in the mirror that i was fat and ugly and told me i constantly needed to lose a lot of weight to where my weight dropped to a low of 128.8lbs at 5'9". To where my body organs were preparing to shut down. To the point where i needed a damn feeding tube, a stupid NG Tube (Nasal Gastric Tube) put in me because i refused to eat for i thought i was overweight and deserved no food.. I was passing out and having seizures at work, working out when im dizzy close to blacking out but still wanting to burn calories that i haven't even had for days. You have me starving myself for 2weeks straight downing a cocktail mix of pills and diet pills. Had my throwing up so much and often to where i was vomiting blood! You hurt me. You betrayed my trust! You used me, just like all the other people. That still wasn't enough for you though you wanted me miserable, possibly even dead to add to your count of lives taken.. i let you in and you shut me out of my own my body, i let you see my thoughts and you took over my mind. You caused my body so much problems, physically, mentally, and emotionally that i was put at risk for dying at any moment. Damage done to my body is irreparable. Ive suffered from a heart attack and my heart stopping, Cardiac Arrhythmias, Chronic Anemia, Hypokelemia, Hypoglycemia, Amenorrhea, Gastroparesis, Hyperthyroidism, i mean this list goes on all of which ive been diagnosed with from you being the sole cause. I nearly died, because of you. Possibly because of me too, because in the end i was the one that kept going back to you after all this. I was the one addicted to your sweet words of self-hatred. In the end you kept your word, you stayed true to your promise. I wanted to lose weight and be skinny, you gave me that. I wanted to gain control in my life, you gave me control over my body and what chose to eat and not eat, control over my own body! I asked for you to never leave me, you still haven't. No matter how many time i go to treatment or therapists i see, i won't believe their lies, for you have stayed true to me and will never leave. They always say once you have an ED it remains with you for the rest of your life, even if you have been recovered for years or decades, theres stil that thought in the back of your mind or that one thing that could trip you up and having you spiraling down the rabbits hole once again.
Promise i resent your for the following things.
0) How you stole my identity
1) How you screwed up family holidays
2) How you got between my friends and i
3) How you cost me my EMT certification
4) How you ruined other jobs for me
5) How you screwed up my mind
6) How you tricked me into thinking i was fat
7) How you fed on my insecurities and pushed me deeper into self hatred
8) How you took away so many opportunities
9) How you slaughtered my dreams and stolen my control
10) How you forced me to weigh myself obsessively and if i gained i'd cut myself for punishment
11) How you made me ingest hundreds of laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics. As well as ipecac and other shit just to lose weight.
12) Or how you nearly killed me multiple times
13) But if those weren't enough, honestly i hate how you distorted my perception and way of thinking to where i believe i NEED you. That even though your KiLLiNG me its worth it. That what you say is the truth and your rules are my guidelines. That you, Promise, give me self worth, confidence, love, comfort, security and a life worth living.
Its been 9 years, 9months, and about 2weeks since you came into my life. Almost a decade of life from which you have stolen from me and i have given to you. I hate how i can't let go of you, how we have a love and hate relationship. I hate how people don't understand the intricacies of how you affect me and the sheer amount of power you as a disease hold over its victims. No, they don't, unless they've gone through it themselves than they know exactly what im talking about.
So for my 2,000th post, and becoming a decade old to where my very life turned to hell at that age, im dedicating this post to you. Letting you know that, once i find the strength to stop believing what i see as truth in you, once i find someone i just can't dare live without, once i find something in life that i want to pursue as my dream to make it come true .. that your skinny ass will be gone. I will personally fight you with every living fiber left in my body, to take you out for good! That you will cease to be within in me, because once i have my family of my own theres no way in hell your going to ruin that for my or even think about getting a gasp on my little girl or little boy! Promise, i love you to DEATH, but you are soon to have over stayed your welcome.. You have been officially warned.
Promise, for now, you may be winning the fight, but the war has not yet been won!
Sincerely,
Essence Evans
Dear Promise,
What happened to what you promised me? Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me what would become of my life? My physical health? Mental health? Emotional health? My friends? My family? Me? Why? Why didn't you tell me this would become my one true obsession? My hell? You promised me that losing weight and being skinny, skinnier, skinniest would solve all my problems.. You promised that things would be okay if i lowered the number on the scale, or became self disciplined and had self control and learned to become perfect and flawless that life itself would be as tranquil as the sea. You once again, lied to me. At first, you were the perfect answer to everything! You showed up unannounced right when i really needed someone to depend on because, i was so confused, lost, hurt and naive at the time and had no one to turn to. No one but you! Promise, you helped me deal with a shit load of things and were with me all the time! You never left my side, no, not even my mind. What i didn't know was your evil intentions on taking my thoughts hostage and controlling my mind. As you whispered sweet nothings into my ear, and deceivingly warmed my heart when my physical body temperature dropped to its lowest of 88.7 degrees, or how you showed me in the mirror that i was fat and ugly and told me i constantly needed to lose a lot of weight to where my weight dropped to a low of 128.8lbs at 5'9". To where my body organs were preparing to shut down. To the point where i needed a damn feeding tube, a stupid NG Tube (Nasal Gastric Tube) put in me because i refused to eat for i thought i was overweight and deserved no food.. I was passing out and having seizures at work, working out when im dizzy close to blacking out but still wanting to burn calories that i haven't even had for days. You have me starving myself for 2weeks straight downing a cocktail mix of pills and diet pills. Had my throwing up so much and often to where i was vomiting blood! You hurt me. You betrayed my trust! You used me, just like all the other people. That still wasn't enough for you though you wanted me miserable, possibly even dead to add to your count of lives taken.. i let you in and you shut me out of my own my body, i let you see my thoughts and you took over my mind. You caused my body so much problems, physically, mentally, and emotionally that i was put at risk for dying at any moment. Damage done to my body is irreparable. Ive suffered from a heart attack and my heart stopping, Cardiac Arrhythmias, Chronic Anemia, Hypokelemia, Hypoglycemia, Amenorrhea, Gastroparesis, Hyperthyroidism, i mean this list goes on all of which ive been diagnosed with from you being the sole cause. I nearly died, because of you. Possibly because of me too, because in the end i was the one that kept going back to you after all this. I was the one addicted to your sweet words of self-hatred. In the end you kept your word, you stayed true to your promise. I wanted to lose weight and be skinny, you gave me that. I wanted to gain control in my life, you gave me control over my body and what chose to eat and not eat, control over my own body! I asked for you to never leave me, you still haven't. No matter how many time i go to treatment or therapists i see, i won't believe their lies, for you have stayed true to me and will never leave. They always say once you have an ED it remains with you for the rest of your life, even if you have been recovered for years or decades, theres stil that thought in the back of your mind or that one thing that could trip you up and having you spiraling down the rabbits hole once again.
Promise i resent your for the following things.
0) How you stole my identity
1) How you screwed up family holidays
2) How you got between my friends and i
3) How you cost me my EMT certification
4) How you ruined other jobs for me
5) How you screwed up my mind
6) How you tricked me into thinking i was fat
7) How you fed on my insecurities and pushed me deeper into self hatred
8) How you took away so many opportunities
9) How you slaughtered my dreams and stolen my control
10) How you forced me to weigh myself obsessively and if i gained i'd cut myself for punishment
11) How you made me ingest hundreds of laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics. As well as ipecac and other shit just to lose weight.
12) Or how you nearly killed me multiple times
13) But if those weren't enough, honestly i hate how you distorted my perception and way of thinking to where i believe i NEED you. That even though your KiLLiNG me its worth it. That what you say is the truth and your rules are my guidelines. That you, Promise, give me self worth, confidence, love, comfort, security and a life worth living.
Its been 9 years, 9months, and about 2weeks since you came into my life. Almost a decade of life from which you have stolen from me and i have given to you. I hate how i can't let go of you, how we have a love and hate relationship. I hate how people don't understand the intricacies of how you affect me and the sheer amount of power you as a disease hold over its victims. No, they don't, unless they've gone through it themselves than they know exactly what im talking about.
So for my 2,000th post, and becoming a decade old to where my very life turned to hell at that age, im dedicating this post to you. Letting you know that, once i find the strength to stop believing what i see as truth in you, once i find someone i just can't dare live without, once i find something in life that i want to pursue as my dream to make it come true .. that your skinny ass will be gone. I will personally fight you with every living fiber left in my body, to take you out for good! That you will cease to be within in me, because once i have my family of my own theres no way in hell your going to ruin that for my or even think about getting a gasp on my little girl or little boy! Promise, i love you to DEATH, but you are soon to have over stayed your welcome.. You have been officially warned.
Promise, for now, you may be winning the fight, but the war has not yet been won!
Sincerely,
Essence Evans
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Name every social network you use besides formspring.
Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Hi5, Plaxo, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Xanga, Blogger, Livejournal
What year do you think you will be married? And how many kids do you want?
i want a lot of kids haha 8-10 at least and i want to adopt forsure! i want to be married by the age of 22 or 23 but i want to have my first kid by 21 or 22. i know its early but yeah.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
That you are the most beautiful and amazing women in the world and dont ever let anybody tell you different. You are so amazing inside and outside and anybody would be lucky to have you or to be your friend. =)
Awe! :] Omgosh, thank you, it really means a lot to me! Why did you have to be anonymous? You have a kind heart, anonymous!
formspring.me
Whats something you've always wanted to ask or say to me but never could? http://formspring.me/MszCatastrophe
Thursday, November 4, 2010
What dish in the kitchen can you make without a recipe?
Pretty much a lot of things. Im a cooker on my part and have been since i was little. In 2006 i made all the millions of dishes included in thanksgiving by myself, no recipes. I have insane memory, basically photographic memory..
Saturday, October 30, 2010
How is everything going with you ED wise?
Not good. Its been a full relapse since the beginning of october and is getting worse than the last relapse. Gonna hit my lw and go past it by the end of november it things dont get better..
Friday, October 29, 2010
Secretive Promise
Hollow promises
Blinding lies
Heartfelt words
Painful goodbyes
To understand
nobody tries
When all you see
Is confusion in their eyes
Been let down
Trust thrown out of existence
Trying to fix whats broken
But the problem has gone missing
Are you in denial
Or is she really apart of you soul
Is she the solution to whats missing
How in the world will you ever know?
Soothing melodies
Trance inducing rhymes
Deceiving illusions
Become truth within time
Provoking starvation
Controlling her mind
Do you still believe her
When she replies "i'm fine." ..
By Essence Evans
©Copyright 2010
Blinding lies
Heartfelt words
Painful goodbyes
To understand
nobody tries
When all you see
Is confusion in their eyes
Been let down
Trust thrown out of existence
Trying to fix whats broken
But the problem has gone missing
Are you in denial
Or is she really apart of you soul
Is she the solution to whats missing
How in the world will you ever know?
Soothing melodies
Trance inducing rhymes
Deceiving illusions
Become truth within time
Provoking starvation
Controlling her mind
Do you still believe her
When she replies "i'm fine." ..
By Essence Evans
©Copyright 2010
What exercises do you do? I'm seriously thinking of cutting a few lbs with being a tad overweight and thought that you'd have some advise. What I'm doing is certainly isn't working out for me. Please shed some light :)
Gladly! What i do is usually in the morning i stretch for 15 mins and depending on what day it is if it s a gym day or not, in the morning i run up and down my stairs or we own an elliptical so i go on that. Or at the gym i do 30mins on the elliptical and 30 mins on the treadmill and 10 mins of arm exercises and then i stretch at home. i constantly stay in motion even if im sitting down at a table or on the computer i shake my legs, shake my feet alternatively, and try not to slouch while sitting, sitting straight up engages stomach and back muscles and burns 20 more cals then slouching. Lots of cardio!! At night is when i do all my calisthenics. Jumping jacks, sit-ups, crunches, push ups, leg lifts, and bicycles. Stuff like that since i don't sleep easy. I do them in mass quantities though. i like the number 3 but hate that its not even so i make it even by adding zeros. 30 is not a work out so i do 300 of every calisthenic (ex. 300 JJ, 300 crunches, 300 leg lifts EACH etc.) its easier to do them to song 3 mins or longer and then do that one exercise until the song is done or count them whichever but thats just what i do.
Also, a sensible diet, 2,000 calorie diet with fruit, vegetables, good carbs and protein. Because if your diet isn't right then your weight will reflect it. Well, i typed enough and since you only asked about exercise ill leave you with that..
Monday, October 25, 2010
What are 3 things you'd have on your Bucket List?
Travel/Move To Japan
Go on a Missionary Trip
Lead a Eating Disorder Recovery Group
Open my ownEating Disorder Treatment Facility/Practice
Whats your favorite youtube video?
Usually those of ED documentaries or movies. Or guitar tutorials! i have a lot favorited!
Monday, September 27, 2010
IM SO FUCKING OVER IT! OMGOSH
I just can't do this anymore.. im laying it all at Jesus' feet. im admitted it okay! Im powerless. I can't do it all!!
THERE!! I want to scream and just freak out man i don't know hwy im so angry but i am! Frick!
THERE!! I want to scream and just freak out man i don't know hwy im so angry but i am! Frick!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Food for thought. When one lets something become their life, it does. Then when it does that person will try to fight it off with so many methods. But the only weapon that works is when that person truly stops wanting it in their life.
Ironic, and that does make sense. Although, i did admit that apart of me wasn't ready to give it up... Even though i want it out of my life, apart of me still thinks, it is me and if i dont have it then all hell will break lose and things will fall apart and ill have nothing to turn too... So, what am i to do? :/
Monday, September 6, 2010
I am studying nursing aswell and I was curious on how you manage studying. I find it so hard to concentrate with the lack of energy. What area of nursing are you interested in
I study in 2 hour blocks twice a day. . Like reading the material while taking notes for the first hour and then the next hour doing the labs working it out like practicing it as if im really doing it like palpating or auscultating blood pressure on friends or scenarios. The second time is for a refresher making sure i still remembered what i studied earlier. THigns like that. Im a hands on learner, i have to see it. Also i have to hear it so i re-read a lot! Usually studying with a partner as focused as you does wonders. i want to open my own residential clinic for ED/Si/BPD/PTSD so on so forth. As well as the psychology field.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
do you ever want to recover?
Wow, this came out of nowhere.. of course i do! It's just insanely hard. Everyone has their certain time to recover and when its right. Recovery is not an automatic thing, its not a destination or event, its a process. A journey. A life long one at that. Years from now i will still struggle with thoughts of my eating disorder and wanting it back.
I didn't even start to lapse and relapse in my ED until a few weeks ago. When things started getting even more complicated and annoying.. I can't figure out many things right now, and my comfort zone is my ED. Thats my coping mechanism. I hate being forced into things or to do things. The only thing that will come of being forced is the total opposite.
I honestly do want to recover.. Who doesn't want to be normal? One day i wil recover, one day i will ... but today is not that day. An im afriad that day isn't anytime soon...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
sorry i couldnt answer you on my own formspring, because i choose carefully who i speak about my personal life with, but yes Ive had an ED for 10+ years
Oh, it's okay and im sorry to hear that! Yeah mineis going on 10 years in a few months.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
haha i just read your daily plan below, that sounds exactly what i do every day
Oh, really, im sorry. Where are you at in your recovery? Or are you trying to recover?
what is one of your passions?
My main passion in life is helping people! I love supporting others ad being there for them. i believe strongly that this is my life's calling and the reason why God place me upon this earth.
Friday, August 6, 2010
How are you losing so much weight?
I run 2 miles daily non-stop. i stretch a lot and am very active throughout the day. I do calisthenics in my room everynight. I also count calories. My goal is to not go over 300cals daily but when push comes to shove in situations i end up but i absolutely refuse to go over 900cals in any situation! And yeah i avoid carbs, fats, sugar(instead of in coffee at times) and no meat. Im pescatarian so yeaaah. I was in recovery and was stabling out for a period of 3months which was the months ive ever done, hence the weight gain. Until things around me reminded me how much i still want my ED and the control. So yeah. Im thinking of going back to a therapist though. Im trying to do it healthy but its just not working but i don't purge what i eat so i have to exercise a ton to burn off everything and more...
BUT DON'T DO WHAT I DO ITS UNHEALTHY!
Are you a righty or a lefty?
Im ambidextrous. meaning i can write with both :] I started out a righty though!
How many text messages do you average per day?
Uhm when i did have my phone it was about 30 - 60 daily going back and forth with 3 - 8 ppl daily. Some days it would be over that. Some days less than that. Im getting my phone tomorrow eveyrone so yeahh. :]
Friday, July 23, 2010
What inspires you?
Our savior and his followers. He has such amazing followers that are solely devoted to him and doing his work and being Christ obedient its inspiring. It like puts a piece of hope and happiness into my heart each time!
What do you value the most in your life?
My relationship with God, because he is the one who allowed me to walk the path i did today to meet and experience all of the amazing people and beyond wonderful experiences i have in my lifetime.. Without that relationship between him and i, honestly i'd be dead already from all the suicide attempts and lack of will to live.
Name three things you couldn't live without?
Jesus Christ. Human Relationships. My youth groups/church.
What does you weekend look like?
Bible Camp Retreat with my college Youth Group. They're an amazing group of people! Love em`. That's my weekend them and Christ Jesus<3!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
you have a beautiful soul.
Omgosh, i think thats the nicest thing anyone has said to me that didn't deal with my outside appearance or superficial stuff. I honestly thank you for this comment!!!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Your lover has been magically transformed into an animal, and the only way to restore your lover is to mate with them. Here's the question: Which animal would cause you the least psychological damage?
Ew, number 1 thats called beastiality; and dude im so not up for that. Two, i don't know but that kind of actions will cause psychological problems.
If you had 24 hours to live, what would you do, what movie star would you want to kiss, and who would you notify that you are dying?
I spend it with my friends, people im close with, my surrogate family and my youth group/church. i would notify them. I wouldn't care to kiss some movie star but only to die while worshiping or being in the word of our Lord, Jesus Christ...
Have you ever made a fool of yourself in front of someone you were interested in? If so, how??? What happened?
Uhm, i really don't get embarrassed that easily but i guess i would have to say just laughing hysterically and uncontrollably at simple things.
If you were a boy (or if you ARE), would you make your girlfriend swallow when she gave you oral sex?
Ew, disgusting no. I don't believe oral sex is moral or smart.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
WHY HAVENT YOU ASKED MORE QUESTIONS!?
Lol, because i usually never log onto this because of the drama and ignorant remarks i get from hateful people. So, It gets old dealing with immaturity in people who swear up&down that they've matured and think they can talk all hardcore with a keyboard, yet they still remain anonymous in their postings.. Really?... yah! i don't have time for that. So i check it 3 times a week, if even that ...
If you can change one thing in your life, what would it be?
In my ED mind i would want to change my body size to like a pant size 1-2 or BMi [17.5] or weight of 110lbs.
Rationally, i wouldn't change a thing, because the people i know today and the things I've been through and the people I've met and and lost along the way made me who i am today.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Disease mongering thing
Obsessive Psychotic Phobia Disorder With Flashbacks (OPPDWF)
OPPDWF involves relentless, repetitive thoughts and ambitions combined with a clinically significant deviation from social norms during fearful episodes, complicated by sudden intrusions of traumatic memories.
Pathological Developmental Eating Syndrome (PDES)
PDES is characterized by obsessive and harmful thoughts and behaviors in conjunction with a childhood trauma impacting adult behavior during the consumption of food or beverages.
LMao
OPPDWF involves relentless, repetitive thoughts and ambitions combined with a clinically significant deviation from social norms during fearful episodes, complicated by sudden intrusions of traumatic memories.
Pathological Developmental Eating Syndrome (PDES)
PDES is characterized by obsessive and harmful thoughts and behaviors in conjunction with a childhood trauma impacting adult behavior during the consumption of food or beverages.
LMao
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
What are [the top] 10 things you want to accomplish before the end of 2010??
1)Get a Job
2) MOVE OUT
3)Fix my car
4)Finish General Education classes
5)Assemble my Youth Council Team
6)Sign a whole song in ASL/SEE
7)Lose Weight
8)Find a therapist
9)Find a psychiatrist
10)Help support/be there for someone.
ur black though...how can you avoid getting 'tan'?? lol even if ur not fullly black..
Haha thats why it said if you could CHANGE one thing about yourself. So that'd be the one thing i'd change!
An when i was born and for years until i started track im was very high yellow light skinned until track years made me spend more days in the sun!
Im NOT full black, and yeah i have a natural light skinned tan to me normally but if i stay in the sun like last year's beach trip i do get darker and that no bueno to me, honestly i hate it. i wanna stay on the lighter spectrum of things.
Monday, June 28, 2010
If you can change one thing in your life, what would it be?
My skin color lighter so i don't tan so easily!! I hate how im almost getting these tans when im constantly avoiding the sun!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
hey love, i've seen all of the things that people have said to you and about you & i just want to let you know that i loved in u at wvhs and i still love you today for you courage. how do u deal with the "nonsense"?
Awe, Thanks, Alexis!! Your amazing and made my day!
Basically i don't take it personally or seriously. These are people online who don't even know me personally and are just from an ED community on Myspace or my other sites that i have. They try and judge you from what you post on your site and think that once they know everything from your site to your posts that they've come to know who you really are and that it gives them right to make their rude comments or stand on their high horse and judge the way you live.
To me it means nothing. It gets annoying very quickly and thats when cursing is integrated into the mix, but i try not to because it's surely nothing to get worked up about over. They have no lives and are %75 of the time jealous and hateful in many ways.
I just let it go. Because in the end, they aren't in my shoes, walking through what i've been through or has seen what i seen. :]
Assistant Editor's Letter
As I sit writing this today, thinking back on how the 8 of us (including myself) was given this amazing opportunity in our life to become apart of a RC publication for a youth magazine. I can't help but be amazed and thankful to know that i am truly blessed by our Lord Christ himself to be where i am today, to be apart of window of opportunity that will open many more doors to come in my lifetime. As well as my partners who have also been awarded this outstanding opportunity of a lifetime. When will this ever come again in the the duration of your life? Who knows, it might not ever! Being offered a chance to be apart of a publication like this could be the key that unlocks the door to our world, it could uncover paths hidden by our past mistakes, or hidden by what we would define as our failures in a certain time of our life. It could possibly be our wings to our dreams, as much as it is to others. An open window of opportunity to do what we love in day to day life, but work with others who also share our same passion for writing, but with our own style thrown into it. Slowly, making our dream become a reality step by step. Right then and there, we all made a decision that we were not consciously aware, that we were making. When it became clear to us, that decision was made to go after what we wanted, to take a risk and challenge ourselves. To chase our dreams and turn them into a reality, this was our test. Our leap of faith. How much faith did we really have inside ourselves, to take a hold of the steering wheel to our life. Be in charge of our own futures and not let other road blocks, life hurdles, paths darkened by tragedy and past regrets factor in and corrosively mold our future which is clay, ready to be molded in the hands of its master. We all made the Leap! Just with that being seen and done, we all overcame something big, we proved to ourselves that, we; Albert, April, Jose, Mirtha, Wayne, Eileena, Gio, and i, Essence all have something to offer the world.
As we all went through the interview process, first meeting who'd be our future leading partners of it all; Aude Cabaldon, our publicist and Cheryl Rhodes the one in charge of it all. we presented our talent and skills, as proudly and maybe with a dash of shaken nerves as we could all the way down to the handshake, we gave it our best! Now, all that was left to do was wait for the call to see if we made the cut or not. It was only a couple of days, but those days felt like weeks! Cheryl and Aude made their decisions pretty quickly and started making phone calls to the lucky 8 who had made it out of 17 other people! Those lucky people were: April Garcia, Gio _____, Mirtha Galvan, Albert Ramirez, Wayne West, Eileena Chavez, Jose Carrilo , and me ... Essence Evans. It was amazing to receive that call and hear that i and my co-participant who also goes to my center made it. The feeling was amazing, it was indescribable. We got right to work the following week, and didn't waste no time getting down to business. We all met one another and seemed to click instantaneously. A bond was spawned, a bond like no other. Our diversities from our different life styles, areas of where we lived or interests brought out incredible ideas and results from within us and our collaborative brainstorms. We we great together as a group feeding off each other and supporting each other with our ideas even down to constructive critiquing. We were there for each other and was there to lend a hand without a second thought in a heartbeat. It was a blessing how our paths crossed and how the Lord brought each and everyone of us together to create something beautiful and that will be useful to other youths our age.
Going through these weeks were phenomenal! We all found our strengths and strengthen our weakness with the help of Aude, Cheryl, guest speakers, and one another. Wayne West became the Editor, I, Essence Evans became the Assistant Editor, Albert Ramirez became our Art Director, Mirtha Galvan in charge of Advertisement, and our writers April Garcia, Jose Carillo, and Eileena Chavez. We all wrote and helped each other with everyones task. We learned about our magazine and the terms and layout structures. We learned valuable concepts and key points of life that we'd probably never have the chance to learn anywhere else until later on in life. Getting to know one another and become closer, not only as a team but as a family. The pilot family of LeapRC, the ones who started it all, and will continue to work and thrive with it to the end if given the chance.
Of course, can't go without saying a couple of things about what wonderfully, amazing leaders we had through it all. Aude Cabaldon, who is helping us 8 youth's dreams become a reality, who is assisting us in help laying out our look for the magazine. Giving us his great guidance and helping us bloom into wise young adults. Leading us in the right direction where you never lose sight of the light because its always shining. Yes, shining showing us our way on our paths, but not only that light. The fire inside our hearts, burning with the passion to write and help make a difference in our community. To be the select few to stand up in our community and make that change, take the chance to be something great! As well as Cheryl Rhodes, this women is something else. Cheryl is an inspiring, brilliant women who i am blessed to have met and who is definitely apart of the people i thank God daily for allowing into my life. Cheryl is compassionate and admirable in every aspect to working and starting her own family business which is currently still thriving at its best! Wow, Cheryl is the match to our fires, we have all the materials, talent and knowledge we need to be successful creating this magazine, all we really needed is a little push in the right direction to get us going. Or in this case that one spark to light our fires and get our souls burning with the passion we've always had inside of us. That ember was just waiting for the right person and opportunity to bring it out of us.
I guess you can say we all learned something new about ourselves and found out another piece of information about ourselves that has possibly put us a step closer to our goal than we have yet to realize. We sometimes go through life focusing on what we wish we could've done, instead of realizing and being blessed for the things we have, the things we've gone through and the people we currently have in our lives. We over look the simplicities in life, when what we have is all we need to be truly happy in life. As the old saying goes "you never really appreciate what you have, until its gone." Once it's gone, it's too late to go back and have regrets, wishing on things you would have wanted to do differently or say the things you wish you would of had the chance to say to someone. Do it now, say it now. Don't wait until the last moment to start living your life, chasing your dreams or being true to yourself. Stop lying to yourself now, face your fears, say what you need to say. Love who you need to love, become who you need to become and be the one person you can be proud about when you lay head to rest day to day. Start today, that door won't remain open for long until it is closed and locked forever. This magazine was all about taking a chance, and teaching you to follow you heart and aim to make your dreams a reality. Take that extra step, take that LEAP! We, the LeApRC never aimed for failure, never prepared to fall from the stars in the sky, which accompanied our life dreams. Oh no, don't tell us the sky is the limit when there's footprints upon the moon. The sky was our limit, we aimed for the moon and we surpassed it as we enjoy our view amongst our stars. Living our life to the fullest. Not stopping there, this is only the beginning, only the pilot program. Don't confine us only to explore the universe around us, when there's other galaxies begging to be discovered as possible resources to put to use.
My life long dream, as a person in this lifetime is to help someone or make a difference in someone's life. To be their guiding North star, when the sun has set on a the day when they needed the sunshine most in their life. To lead them home, when they are lost and have drifted off their path of life, where their ambitions and self-worth as a person has become increasingly hard to see through the fog of the storm that is raging within their mind. To ease the aching pain and fill the void left in their heart, left by careless person. I, Essence Evans, to be that light, the helping hand above their self- dug hole that they've fallen too deep into to see their worth as a person, and for me to remind them of it. My dream, to be that sigh of relief, at the end of a tragedy or hardship ensuring them; everything will be okay. To shine like the north star that will lead them back to the doorstep of the home they were so frantically trying to escape, and welcome them, for they have been missed in their absence and that they do belong in this world. Aspire to resemble the promising sun, that will once again rise before you, illuminating your dreams, to enlighten your once darkened skies of life. To show compassion and lend my time to help direct and lead you back to your life's path, where you share your walk with God, realizing he never left your side to begin with. Inspire to be the reason behind your strength, that helps you climb out of the hole you once dug yourself to lay, as you fill it up with stepping stones of accomplishments, never again to stumble down that hole again. Even something as small as lending you my time with an open ear and heart, being the last thread in your line not to break. Or to ceasing your downward spiral, calming the raging storm within your mind helping you realize the true beauty of your life and capabilities. I would know, i as a person would have fulfilled my life long dream and potential as a person in this lifetime. I, Essence Evans, would had lived up to the meaning of my life as one of God's children.
This may be the first publication of LeapRC, but it will not be the last. To help change the outcome of our fellow youth's future and help better their resources with helpful information straight from their peers, while raising the statistics into achieving a better education for our age group is what keeps the fires lit, fiercely burning within our souls to continue writing and serving our community as best as we only know how to. It's been an honor to work with each and everyone of these brilliant and compassionate people. Knowing that our time is winding down and this eye opening adventure is coming to end, i wouldn't have wanted to walk this path with any other people, but them. For i am not leaving this experience empty handed, (as i'm sure neither are they) i've picked up wisdom. I've picked up a different view of life in general, as well as a different view of my own. We've created unforgettable memories, cleared our skies of grey and of who we will become in this world. Strides closer to a clue, to what difference we will make in this world, and who we'll become!
We all are armed with new life skills, strengthen weakness, broaden horizons, sharpened skills, perfected talents, and a new, intense flame burning within us, along with persevering motivation to get us through any hurdle life has to throw our way! No one's goals or dreams are out of reach, for all you have to do is get to the top of the mountain of excuses, dig deep inside yourself, brush the ashes off your heart, find that ember burning within, and LEAP! You'll have no choice but to fly!
Our wings, are our dreams, and on toward the sky!
By Assistant Editor,
Essence Evans
Near the end this program is eh .. but cheryl was amazing. i was overly nice writting this.
As we all went through the interview process, first meeting who'd be our future leading partners of it all; Aude Cabaldon, our publicist and Cheryl Rhodes the one in charge of it all. we presented our talent and skills, as proudly and maybe with a dash of shaken nerves as we could all the way down to the handshake, we gave it our best! Now, all that was left to do was wait for the call to see if we made the cut or not. It was only a couple of days, but those days felt like weeks! Cheryl and Aude made their decisions pretty quickly and started making phone calls to the lucky 8 who had made it out of 17 other people! Those lucky people were: April Garcia, Gio _____, Mirtha Galvan, Albert Ramirez, Wayne West, Eileena Chavez, Jose Carrilo , and me ... Essence Evans. It was amazing to receive that call and hear that i and my co-participant who also goes to my center made it. The feeling was amazing, it was indescribable. We got right to work the following week, and didn't waste no time getting down to business. We all met one another and seemed to click instantaneously. A bond was spawned, a bond like no other. Our diversities from our different life styles, areas of where we lived or interests brought out incredible ideas and results from within us and our collaborative brainstorms. We we great together as a group feeding off each other and supporting each other with our ideas even down to constructive critiquing. We were there for each other and was there to lend a hand without a second thought in a heartbeat. It was a blessing how our paths crossed and how the Lord brought each and everyone of us together to create something beautiful and that will be useful to other youths our age.
Going through these weeks were phenomenal! We all found our strengths and strengthen our weakness with the help of Aude, Cheryl, guest speakers, and one another. Wayne West became the Editor, I, Essence Evans became the Assistant Editor, Albert Ramirez became our Art Director, Mirtha Galvan in charge of Advertisement, and our writers April Garcia, Jose Carillo, and Eileena Chavez. We all wrote and helped each other with everyones task. We learned about our magazine and the terms and layout structures. We learned valuable concepts and key points of life that we'd probably never have the chance to learn anywhere else until later on in life. Getting to know one another and become closer, not only as a team but as a family. The pilot family of LeapRC, the ones who started it all, and will continue to work and thrive with it to the end if given the chance.
Of course, can't go without saying a couple of things about what wonderfully, amazing leaders we had through it all. Aude Cabaldon, who is helping us 8 youth's dreams become a reality, who is assisting us in help laying out our look for the magazine. Giving us his great guidance and helping us bloom into wise young adults. Leading us in the right direction where you never lose sight of the light because its always shining. Yes, shining showing us our way on our paths, but not only that light. The fire inside our hearts, burning with the passion to write and help make a difference in our community. To be the select few to stand up in our community and make that change, take the chance to be something great! As well as Cheryl Rhodes, this women is something else. Cheryl is an inspiring, brilliant women who i am blessed to have met and who is definitely apart of the people i thank God daily for allowing into my life. Cheryl is compassionate and admirable in every aspect to working and starting her own family business which is currently still thriving at its best! Wow, Cheryl is the match to our fires, we have all the materials, talent and knowledge we need to be successful creating this magazine, all we really needed is a little push in the right direction to get us going. Or in this case that one spark to light our fires and get our souls burning with the passion we've always had inside of us. That ember was just waiting for the right person and opportunity to bring it out of us.
I guess you can say we all learned something new about ourselves and found out another piece of information about ourselves that has possibly put us a step closer to our goal than we have yet to realize. We sometimes go through life focusing on what we wish we could've done, instead of realizing and being blessed for the things we have, the things we've gone through and the people we currently have in our lives. We over look the simplicities in life, when what we have is all we need to be truly happy in life. As the old saying goes "you never really appreciate what you have, until its gone." Once it's gone, it's too late to go back and have regrets, wishing on things you would have wanted to do differently or say the things you wish you would of had the chance to say to someone. Do it now, say it now. Don't wait until the last moment to start living your life, chasing your dreams or being true to yourself. Stop lying to yourself now, face your fears, say what you need to say. Love who you need to love, become who you need to become and be the one person you can be proud about when you lay head to rest day to day. Start today, that door won't remain open for long until it is closed and locked forever. This magazine was all about taking a chance, and teaching you to follow you heart and aim to make your dreams a reality. Take that extra step, take that LEAP! We, the LeApRC never aimed for failure, never prepared to fall from the stars in the sky, which accompanied our life dreams. Oh no, don't tell us the sky is the limit when there's footprints upon the moon. The sky was our limit, we aimed for the moon and we surpassed it as we enjoy our view amongst our stars. Living our life to the fullest. Not stopping there, this is only the beginning, only the pilot program. Don't confine us only to explore the universe around us, when there's other galaxies begging to be discovered as possible resources to put to use.
My life long dream, as a person in this lifetime is to help someone or make a difference in someone's life. To be their guiding North star, when the sun has set on a the day when they needed the sunshine most in their life. To lead them home, when they are lost and have drifted off their path of life, where their ambitions and self-worth as a person has become increasingly hard to see through the fog of the storm that is raging within their mind. To ease the aching pain and fill the void left in their heart, left by careless person. I, Essence Evans, to be that light, the helping hand above their self- dug hole that they've fallen too deep into to see their worth as a person, and for me to remind them of it. My dream, to be that sigh of relief, at the end of a tragedy or hardship ensuring them; everything will be okay. To shine like the north star that will lead them back to the doorstep of the home they were so frantically trying to escape, and welcome them, for they have been missed in their absence and that they do belong in this world. Aspire to resemble the promising sun, that will once again rise before you, illuminating your dreams, to enlighten your once darkened skies of life. To show compassion and lend my time to help direct and lead you back to your life's path, where you share your walk with God, realizing he never left your side to begin with. Inspire to be the reason behind your strength, that helps you climb out of the hole you once dug yourself to lay, as you fill it up with stepping stones of accomplishments, never again to stumble down that hole again. Even something as small as lending you my time with an open ear and heart, being the last thread in your line not to break. Or to ceasing your downward spiral, calming the raging storm within your mind helping you realize the true beauty of your life and capabilities. I would know, i as a person would have fulfilled my life long dream and potential as a person in this lifetime. I, Essence Evans, would had lived up to the meaning of my life as one of God's children.
This may be the first publication of LeapRC, but it will not be the last. To help change the outcome of our fellow youth's future and help better their resources with helpful information straight from their peers, while raising the statistics into achieving a better education for our age group is what keeps the fires lit, fiercely burning within our souls to continue writing and serving our community as best as we only know how to. It's been an honor to work with each and everyone of these brilliant and compassionate people. Knowing that our time is winding down and this eye opening adventure is coming to end, i wouldn't have wanted to walk this path with any other people, but them. For i am not leaving this experience empty handed, (as i'm sure neither are they) i've picked up wisdom. I've picked up a different view of life in general, as well as a different view of my own. We've created unforgettable memories, cleared our skies of grey and of who we will become in this world. Strides closer to a clue, to what difference we will make in this world, and who we'll become!
We all are armed with new life skills, strengthen weakness, broaden horizons, sharpened skills, perfected talents, and a new, intense flame burning within us, along with persevering motivation to get us through any hurdle life has to throw our way! No one's goals or dreams are out of reach, for all you have to do is get to the top of the mountain of excuses, dig deep inside yourself, brush the ashes off your heart, find that ember burning within, and LEAP! You'll have no choice but to fly!
Our wings, are our dreams, and on toward the sky!
By Assistant Editor,
Essence Evans
Near the end this program is eh .. but cheryl was amazing. i was overly nice writting this.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
if your fat then wth are the rest of us? huh.
You guys are perfectly fine and i see no flaws! It's only when i look at MYSELF, my eating disorder does not cause me to judge any of you!! It doesn't even work that way. My body dysmorphic disorder only causes me to judge my body and perceive it different shapes and sizes.. Why would you even think something like that? Huh? ... Calm down and i also suggest before you start taking offense to what i post on whichever site you came off of that you read up on eating disorders before you come at me with a questions like this...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
What should scientists invent?
transportation machine, like forreal! walking long distances when your out of gas is insanely exhausting :]
Aw, it was a quote from Girl, Interrupted. Lisa says it about her sociopath diagnoses. (Second to last post). It's my fav movie too.
Haha i LOVE taht movie its my number 1 fav! :D
i quit
I quit as of tonight! doesn't matter what it is that im quitting, just that i am and its good that i do. I need to stop picking up all these things that i think is going to ease the pain but in truth its only causing more.
God has blessed me by not getting caught up in it before so i shouldn't now, and for not wanting to or not being able to live without it like others.
Im done. im through. My willpower is too strong for this. It wassn't that answer. i think i was so ashamed of it that i choose not to be addicted to it i guess you can say since i have a very addictive personality to everything. So yeah.
It's done and over...
God has blessed me by not getting caught up in it before so i shouldn't now, and for not wanting to or not being able to live without it like others.
Im done. im through. My willpower is too strong for this. It wassn't that answer. i think i was so ashamed of it that i choose not to be addicted to it i guess you can say since i have a very addictive personality to everything. So yeah.
It's done and over...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Not eating. CFLC. Update.
Day: (10/14) Hours: [244/336]
4 hours into Day 10. I feel constantly lethargic. I can sleep anywhere at anytime. Ugh.
I lost 10-11lbs. a few hours into the 9th day i'd lost 9lbs. I exercised last night an today so hopefully its up to 11lbs-12lbs weight loss. I still feel and look disgusting. I have a bad feel this treatment thing isn't going to work out. Im so crushed and disappointed. I really wanted to do it too. Whatever i guess, maybe it's not meant to be and im not meant to recover yet.. It's getting easier to avoid meals. I tell parents if for some odd reason they ask, that i ate at the center and they just say "oh okay" and for the center i take food home which helps in tricking my family. So it all falls into line. My brother usually eats whatever i bring anyway so its not like its getting wasted.. I'm going to weigh myself at 630am before my shower.i hope i lost 2lbs or at least 1.5lbs. I hate that i still want to lose weight. It's like im compelled too. A voice way persuading and stronger than mine pulling me ever so lightly but with consistent force to keep in this stupid ED! WTF dude. AYE! I dont even know anymore....
Ugh i hate this. How awkward things are including food with me. How i won't be happy until i reach my goal weight but not even that is guaranteed. How no matter how much weight i lose, it'll never be enough. I hate it all! Then again, its the very thing keeping me sane. Helping me survive this house. Giving me my control over what i should of had control over all these years. Me, That wasn't the case though. Nope, sure wasn't the case..
Everything this summer so far is good in a aspect. Yeah, i don't have gas from my mom anymore and im going to have to figure transportation. But being at the center is worth walking 10miles to west valley/walmart to be picked up just to be there for the day. It is all worth it! I need a job, badly i so wish i could be in the summer program this time around omg that'd be major help. Haha, my goal is to work there one day. Lol i know kinda lame but its the kind of work i want to do. Interact with kids, teens, youths, young adults, okay ill take it and also being able to help them and be their support is great! I just need to start off as Stephanie's Assistant haha. Hm, one day.
Ima take like a 2 hr nap wake up and exercise and write this speech article really quick and stay up the remainder of the night. Listening to music thinking, reminiscing, dreaming, hoping, wishing, believing that somewhere out there, there is people who truly care about me. Who may not be my blood relatives, but has become family to me.
... wait, yupp. I've already found it; CFLC Empower Youth Center :]
Thank you, God!
I am blessed with such an amazing surrogate family, and that i was able to cross paths with each and everyone of these amazing people.
This place im at right now, it's just a house. When i go to CFLC, it's more than center, it's my home...
My home...
4 hours into Day 10. I feel constantly lethargic. I can sleep anywhere at anytime. Ugh.
I lost 10-11lbs. a few hours into the 9th day i'd lost 9lbs. I exercised last night an today so hopefully its up to 11lbs-12lbs weight loss. I still feel and look disgusting. I have a bad feel this treatment thing isn't going to work out. Im so crushed and disappointed. I really wanted to do it too. Whatever i guess, maybe it's not meant to be and im not meant to recover yet.. It's getting easier to avoid meals. I tell parents if for some odd reason they ask, that i ate at the center and they just say "oh okay" and for the center i take food home which helps in tricking my family. So it all falls into line. My brother usually eats whatever i bring anyway so its not like its getting wasted.. I'm going to weigh myself at 630am before my shower.i hope i lost 2lbs or at least 1.5lbs. I hate that i still want to lose weight. It's like im compelled too. A voice way persuading and stronger than mine pulling me ever so lightly but with consistent force to keep in this stupid ED! WTF dude. AYE! I dont even know anymore....
Ugh i hate this. How awkward things are including food with me. How i won't be happy until i reach my goal weight but not even that is guaranteed. How no matter how much weight i lose, it'll never be enough. I hate it all! Then again, its the very thing keeping me sane. Helping me survive this house. Giving me my control over what i should of had control over all these years. Me, That wasn't the case though. Nope, sure wasn't the case..
Everything this summer so far is good in a aspect. Yeah, i don't have gas from my mom anymore and im going to have to figure transportation. But being at the center is worth walking 10miles to west valley/walmart to be picked up just to be there for the day. It is all worth it! I need a job, badly i so wish i could be in the summer program this time around omg that'd be major help. Haha, my goal is to work there one day. Lol i know kinda lame but its the kind of work i want to do. Interact with kids, teens, youths, young adults, okay ill take it and also being able to help them and be their support is great! I just need to start off as Stephanie's Assistant haha. Hm, one day.
Ima take like a 2 hr nap wake up and exercise and write this speech article really quick and stay up the remainder of the night. Listening to music thinking, reminiscing, dreaming, hoping, wishing, believing that somewhere out there, there is people who truly care about me. Who may not be my blood relatives, but has become family to me.
... wait, yupp. I've already found it; CFLC Empower Youth Center :]
Thank you, God!
I am blessed with such an amazing surrogate family, and that i was able to cross paths with each and everyone of these amazing people.
This place im at right now, it's just a house. When i go to CFLC, it's more than center, it's my home...
My home...
I wish you could see the beautiful person I see when I look at your pictures. It hurts to know that you are risking so many health problems and possibly shortening your great life by letting your ED win [through fasting and starvation , etc.]
I wish i could see what you all see too, but i don't and i hate that. Im sorry that im hurting you. i am currently trying to go to IOP. This one place offerred me 90 days free and stuff but my parents dont want me to go because they believe i need something longer and that this would be a waste of time. i kept telling my mom this is the best its going to get because i have no insurance to get help or in any way to pay for it, so im really just stuck. Im going to do it anyway but its just the fact of getting to LA and back and forth to the treatment center my parents will not pay for my gas.. also at the high risk of being kicked out and not let back in after treatment.
So i guess in all im just tired of trying to find ways to get help and get better when none of the ways are working and no one is ever supportive. im just always being denied or left in the same situation of where i started or worse. I really dont know what im going to do at this point. so yeahh
We are very rare and we are mostly men.
Huh? Is it a decent man? MY Mr. Right? Lol. Jk Uhm, What are you talking about?
Monday, June 14, 2010
Too far to stop.
My fast has gone too far but im too far in it to stop ..
Day: (8/14) Hours: [202/336]
yah im like nauseous of food i dont want to think about eating any of it ..
i still dont know if this outpatient treatment thing is gunna work and end up pulling itself together but i hope it does soon or its just whatever screw it after this and i don't know if im ever gunna get help or treated for this stupid ED because out of all the efforts of my trying to go and search for treatment and get it or whatever it just doenst want to work out or nothing so what more can i do? Hmm? Nothing to it because just to go with it then.
Who know ... might hit a new LW... that'd be amazing.
Day: (8/14) Hours: [202/336]
yah im like nauseous of food i dont want to think about eating any of it ..
i still dont know if this outpatient treatment thing is gunna work and end up pulling itself together but i hope it does soon or its just whatever screw it after this and i don't know if im ever gunna get help or treated for this stupid ED because out of all the efforts of my trying to go and search for treatment and get it or whatever it just doenst want to work out or nothing so what more can i do? Hmm? Nothing to it because just to go with it then.
Who know ... might hit a new LW... that'd be amazing.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I could careless.
Have not eaten for 83 hours. im going for 14days (336hrs). 12days was my longest. im almost at the half way point ... Days:[4/14] Hours:(83/336)
i hate my body im doing something about it.
i hate my body im doing something about it.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Life ( Brief brief Update)
Life is really kicking in hard. Hah, uhm yeah might be doing treatment this summer if everything works out right. Which i know right now im hoping it is but right when i get down to it ima be scared shitless. I really am holding onto to this ED and i am having a hard time giving it up. Treatment wont be IP(inpatient) this time. It's going to be Outpatient. IF i can get in ... also theres more to it then im telling you right now, but for now this is all im permitted to say until further notice..
Truth: I can't see myself without having an ED
Lie: I think Recovery will work this time around.
Truth: My environment will relapse me and keep me relapsed.
Lie: One day i will love myself ....
Friday, June 4, 2010
wha t do you think is the sexiest type of dance?
Salsa? Haha, Isn't that a typical answer lol. Uhm yeah.. It depends though. You can definitely make lyrical dance sexy. :]
are you still trying to go into the military?
Noope, i'm not. Schooling is working out perfect for me. I was going to go in the military because i thought i'd get nowhere in school and for me it was an easy way out for my father pressuring me to go in it. Plus, with my health problems theres no way i'd pass the health exam to even get in ....
Thursday, June 3, 2010
hey girlie!? how is everything?
Everything is okay. Just trying to figure out this schooling situation and find a job for summer! ED wise is still a lot questionable adn something im not gunna touch on. Hah, so other than that everything is good and i can't wait to enjoy my summer and hang out with majority of my friends and new friends!
What do you think about formspring.me so far?
So far? i love the upgrade. I hated the freezing and the delayed posting of your answered questions. But, so far this is good.
What was the worst advice you've ever received?
Uhm, to just ignore it and act like nothings wrong. So its 50/50 because its my best advice to me but its the worst ever in many situations.
Who's the most talented person you know?
Mochi! Janine Gambito has an amazing voice, her acting is awarding winning and she plays a few instruments here and there. She's legit!
If you could go only to one restaurant for the next five years, which would it be?
Mm, tough tough. Uhm, Olive Garden, even though i've never been there i've always wanted to go there. :]
Would you rather swim in a pool or the ocean?
Pool usually, but the ocean is just as amazing with the waves and the deepness!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
Deng Lauren, never thought about it that way..
Not long. Week tops, because i possibly would get very upset with them and call them out on it and confront them. They wouldn't be in my life for long ...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
You can control your eating disorder Essence! (Sorry I'm reading all these weird people saying this stuff through tumblr, lol) You don't choose to get/have an eating disorder, but once you have one, you're the one who chooses what you do with it. <3
Yeah, i have reached the place to want to recover from it, but i haven't committed myself to doing it if that makes sense.
I agree with the other person it is contradicting - saying you don't want to risk an OD, yet you're killing yourself by other behaviors. I know eds are contradicting in themselves, I wouldn't know directly I've never had one, but I do have friends w. one
I know it's killing me. I feel it. Why don't you have a conversation with your friend and ask her how she/he truly feels and really listens. No judgement. Let them tell you personally.
Basically I am saying, you are messed up. You NEED HELP. Seriously. You're going to die. I don't care if you take diuretics once in your lifetime, or whenever you "scheduled" to take them...you can die from a one time thing. GET HELP!
I know i need help but its kinda of hard to get help when your family is kind of against it .. I would get help if i had insurance and the resources but out here i don't..
I was saying in general, you list all of these things you do (starve, exercise, take x pills and x pills etc) yet you freak out when you have heart problems or don't feel well... diuretics, diet pills and laxatives effect your heart directly.
OMG you cant fucking control your eating disorder!! Its like a drug addicted person!! Damn do i really need to explain this. They know that it can kill them and that the drugs are going to ruin their life and other health problems and running the risk of ODing for them too. Do they still get high and inject themselves with needles or snort the fucking coke??? YES!! Because that drive of wanting to be high is so much stronger than anything else thats currently happening.. Why? .. oh i wonder ... BECAUSE ITS A EFFING ADDICTION!! Same with eating disorders and using weight loss as a thing for control. You have no say in what you do. Maybe you do sometimes but not all. If you did do you think there'll be rehabs??? Or recovery centers? Uhm no because you could just stop and move on to another damn hobby. This isn't no fucking game, hobby, sport or something you just want to fucking try out as a damn diet. ITS A DISEASE/DISORDER. You don't ask for it, and it's not that easy to recover from. You know your hurting yourself and i would give anything for it to click and for me to recover but not everyones road to recover is like that. Some people can and others don't. That's life...
you say you don't want to risk an OD? Yet you take laxatives, diet pills and diuretics, which in turn make you basically have horribly heart problems you can die from and are in the hospital and doctor for a lot? you are a walking contradiction.
The vitamins and other stuff were for my ANEMIA and ELECTROLYTES dumbass! Iron pills and sodium pills hahaha like i said people get yourshit straight if your gunna STALK me and try to call me on my shit .... And i've only started taking diuretics less then 3 to 4 months ago ... i don't take them often either. You don't know the schedule of when i take them all you know is that i have them.. Your so fucking stupid thinking you know what i do and what i have and shit. Back the fuck off seriously. Not all EDs are the same and predictable. Get a a fucking day job and analyze some other person. How sad your life must be following mines trying to find faults and shit. Hahaha. WOW!
"Uhm, i've been prescribed meds and vitamins to help some of these but i refuse to take them because i also take dietpills, laxatives, and diuretics and i didn't want to mix pills. Or take that risk of OD which has happened before."(let me continue...)
Haha, stupid this isn't for my heart problems asshole a totally different thing i was talking about here. ( continued on next one)
munchausen syndrome. i think you have dis.
I know you are sadly mistaken! You don't know anything about my past, my life of me in general. Get a life and stay out of mine! I suggest you get your facts straight before you start "THINKING" someone has something. Your no effing doctor, can't go around "diagnosing" people with something you probably Googled! You THINK ... ? Pfft, your so uneducated on many things too, or possibly life in general. Learn how to spell and how to worry about your own self. Keep your bullshit, factitious diagnoses to yourself...
what's in your purse right now? you have to list everything, no matter what it is.
Haha, kk
Car Keys, Wallet, Diet Pills, Cigarettes, Lotion, Tampons, Lighters, Gum, Make-up, Inhalers, Travel Toothbrush & toothpaste, Scrunchy, Hair Comb, Pens, Emory board, and my Digital Camera.
yes, i can do it with my user info :P - what is the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?
It would be just this recent Thursday, my heart was acting up, beating irregularly for the whole day since the morning i arrived at the center. When it was closing i had a choice to go to my Nutrition final or go home and go to the hospital. So, i decided to go home. I barely made it. When i was driving my arms and legs were feeling numb like i was hyperventilating but i wasn't and my vision was fading fuzzy. I wanted to pull over but i thought if i pulled over i wouldn't have made it home since i had no cell phone on me i would have been screwed. I got home told my mom and we left as it kept fading in an out. I was using my stethoscope to listen to my heartbeat in my chest and i barely heard it and would lose it now and then and started compressing my chest to make it start again.
SCARY shizz. :/
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Im the idiot? Ur the one screwing up chances of jobs if any of them decides to look u up and see what u post. Unfortunately, people discriminate, and based on what u expose about urself, they might be less likely to hire u. Nothin is really private online
Yes, you still are. There's plenty of non descriminative jobs out there that will hire me! You think it will be the first time that it'll happen? No, before I even had these sites in person I get judge, it's just the way this effed world is!! I wouldn't want to be apart of any descrminative, judgemental job anyhow!! I post what happens in life, not my effing address and street name! So far the only one who's judging me is YOU! The only thing that is really so called"exposed" is my eating disorder. And I dont even post much about it day to day not even weekly. Get your shit straight first before coming at me with things you don't even know about.
Why does it even matter to you? What do you get out of attacking me with these questions? Why do you even care!?!??
Once you become unanonymous then maybe I'll start to consider the things you say, until then go monitor someone elses life...
wait, huh? lol. i typo-ed? and then i did understand what you answered. lol
Haha, denng i denno. Lol. but Thanks girl and school is near ending its about over
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
aww thats no fun but hey your almsot done. Ehh college is college hahah but its nice to have some independence. Im back at sonic again for the summer and i absolutely hate it lol
Lol, deeng sonic haha. Wow does it ever get busy there?
Sorry...But you post way to much about yourself everywhere. I cannot see how it does not just scream 'pay attention to me!' Maybe not consciously, but you are. You can't expect people not to assume this when it is there every networking site you are on.
Your an idiot. How can i post way to much about myself on my own sites, what am i suppose to post about you? Last time i heard thats basically what a social networking site was for. Keep in touch with friends and let them know what your life is like.
Uhm, yeah, whatever.
What did i post that just screams "pay me attention"? hmm? i hate how people always try to pull the "attention" card on somebody. Get a life, and don't worry about what i post it is my site after all, i'm not gunna leave it blank.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
If we believed that life wanted more than anything else to simply serve our hearts dersires , asking on a daily basis -how do you want to be loved today - how would you reply?
I want to sit on a couch with someone and they hug me while we talk and i vent and cry my eyes out. I haven't had a supportive hug in months. :/
formspring.me
Ask me anything, I'll answer everything. Tell me what you really think. CHALLENGE: Can you do it w/ your user info? http://formspring.me/MszCatastrophe
i dont think youve had 2 heart attacks...you need a hospital to tell you youve had one for sure, not just self diagnosed.
Hun, if you get an EKG/ECG it shows the past damage done by a heart attack or a MI(myocardial infarction).. Thats how they can tell you've had one before when you might not even know yourself. Heart disease also runs in the family and my EMT training and CPR/AED training has taught me what to look for and signs and symptoms.
Thanks for your concern though. Trust, i'd rather not have had them at all, but it comes with the consequential side affects of what i did.
Don't believe me? Google it then.. Or ask your doctor, don't have to take my word on it.
Hope you have a good day/night. :]
why do you ask yourself your own questions on formspring? (don't pretend you don't.) Do you like listing all your symptoms and sizes and stuff. If you deny this, you're going to hell. Don't lie.
Deng, please God don't make me do this .. Let me keep this the cleanest i possibly can.
First off, i'm NEVER home and we're not allowed on social networking sites at my center and i hardly get on the computer there and sure as hell don't check this often there. i don't get home until late i shower and sleep. wake up early leave and its the same thing OVER. I have no time to think up this ish.
Second off, where in the hell do you come off at trying to tell me what i do and how things go. Screw you and YOU go to HELL. I add NEW people who don't know me daily on myspace, tumblr and other sites. Get a effing life. You're so full of it. I post my link on ALL of my social networking sites not just facebook or wherever the eff you came from. Do both you and i a favor and DELETE me you sad, cowardice excuse for a person. You are such a fake, how come you couldn't ask me this with your username. Had to go all anonymous, what are you afraid of? Hm? I don't have the time to ask myself all these question that i ALREADY effing know about myself you idiotic moron. Just because i answered the question doesn't mean you get to go and assume shizz. And if your thinking its for the attention (oh gosh excuse my language) you're SADLY FUCKING MISTAKEN! People like you make me livid. You people who have no backbone and hide behind stupid sites and computers to try to bring others down and finally choose to say what's really on your mind... GROW UP HUNNY! We're out of high school. Well, at least i am.
Your soooo lucky i started back up in bible study and it only was that bad or i would of really told you off with some other language..
Here's your WARNiNG!
BACK THE HELL OFF!
and if your smart ... You'd delete me.
Pfft. Wasted space is all you are.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
How tall are you and what size pants and shirt do you wear?
im 5'9" and my pants size range differs i can fit a size 4 to a size 9. Any bigger i get annoyed of it falling off my hips. Shirts depend to sometimes XS majority all are S and a few M and a handfull of nicer brands L. So yeah not really a definitive size ya know ..
Hey, have you ever gotten treatment for your cutting? i only read about your ED...
Uhm not really. I've been to a mental hospital for it for 2 weeks but they were so rude and just none understanding it was just not helpful. I actually got help from it from my summer YDS and my highschool counselor. They've helped the most.
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