My head is up :] Thanks!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
You can control your eating disorder Essence! (Sorry I'm reading all these weird people saying this stuff through tumblr, lol) You don't choose to get/have an eating disorder, but once you have one, you're the one who chooses what you do with it. <3
Yeah, i have reached the place to want to recover from it, but i haven't committed myself to doing it if that makes sense.
I agree with the other person it is contradicting - saying you don't want to risk an OD, yet you're killing yourself by other behaviors. I know eds are contradicting in themselves, I wouldn't know directly I've never had one, but I do have friends w. one
I know it's killing me. I feel it. Why don't you have a conversation with your friend and ask her how she/he truly feels and really listens. No judgement. Let them tell you personally.
Basically I am saying, you are messed up. You NEED HELP. Seriously. You're going to die. I don't care if you take diuretics once in your lifetime, or whenever you "scheduled" to take them...you can die from a one time thing. GET HELP!
I know i need help but its kinda of hard to get help when your family is kind of against it .. I would get help if i had insurance and the resources but out here i don't..
I was saying in general, you list all of these things you do (starve, exercise, take x pills and x pills etc) yet you freak out when you have heart problems or don't feel well... diuretics, diet pills and laxatives effect your heart directly.
OMG you cant fucking control your eating disorder!! Its like a drug addicted person!! Damn do i really need to explain this. They know that it can kill them and that the drugs are going to ruin their life and other health problems and running the risk of ODing for them too. Do they still get high and inject themselves with needles or snort the fucking coke??? YES!! Because that drive of wanting to be high is so much stronger than anything else thats currently happening.. Why? .. oh i wonder ... BECAUSE ITS A EFFING ADDICTION!! Same with eating disorders and using weight loss as a thing for control. You have no say in what you do. Maybe you do sometimes but not all. If you did do you think there'll be rehabs??? Or recovery centers? Uhm no because you could just stop and move on to another damn hobby. This isn't no fucking game, hobby, sport or something you just want to fucking try out as a damn diet. ITS A DISEASE/DISORDER. You don't ask for it, and it's not that easy to recover from. You know your hurting yourself and i would give anything for it to click and for me to recover but not everyones road to recover is like that. Some people can and others don't. That's life...
you say you don't want to risk an OD? Yet you take laxatives, diet pills and diuretics, which in turn make you basically have horribly heart problems you can die from and are in the hospital and doctor for a lot? you are a walking contradiction.
The vitamins and other stuff were for my ANEMIA and ELECTROLYTES dumbass! Iron pills and sodium pills hahaha like i said people get yourshit straight if your gunna STALK me and try to call me on my shit .... And i've only started taking diuretics less then 3 to 4 months ago ... i don't take them often either. You don't know the schedule of when i take them all you know is that i have them.. Your so fucking stupid thinking you know what i do and what i have and shit. Back the fuck off seriously. Not all EDs are the same and predictable. Get a a fucking day job and analyze some other person. How sad your life must be following mines trying to find faults and shit. Hahaha. WOW!
"Uhm, i've been prescribed meds and vitamins to help some of these but i refuse to take them because i also take dietpills, laxatives, and diuretics and i didn't want to mix pills. Or take that risk of OD which has happened before."(let me continue...)
Haha, stupid this isn't for my heart problems asshole a totally different thing i was talking about here. ( continued on next one)
munchausen syndrome. i think you have dis.
I know you are sadly mistaken! You don't know anything about my past, my life of me in general. Get a life and stay out of mine! I suggest you get your facts straight before you start "THINKING" someone has something. Your no effing doctor, can't go around "diagnosing" people with something you probably Googled! You THINK ... ? Pfft, your so uneducated on many things too, or possibly life in general. Learn how to spell and how to worry about your own self. Keep your bullshit, factitious diagnoses to yourself...
what's in your purse right now? you have to list everything, no matter what it is.
Haha, kk
Car Keys, Wallet, Diet Pills, Cigarettes, Lotion, Tampons, Lighters, Gum, Make-up, Inhalers, Travel Toothbrush & toothpaste, Scrunchy, Hair Comb, Pens, Emory board, and my Digital Camera.
yes, i can do it with my user info :P - what is the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?
It would be just this recent Thursday, my heart was acting up, beating irregularly for the whole day since the morning i arrived at the center. When it was closing i had a choice to go to my Nutrition final or go home and go to the hospital. So, i decided to go home. I barely made it. When i was driving my arms and legs were feeling numb like i was hyperventilating but i wasn't and my vision was fading fuzzy. I wanted to pull over but i thought if i pulled over i wouldn't have made it home since i had no cell phone on me i would have been screwed. I got home told my mom and we left as it kept fading in an out. I was using my stethoscope to listen to my heartbeat in my chest and i barely heard it and would lose it now and then and started compressing my chest to make it start again.
SCARY shizz. :/
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Im the idiot? Ur the one screwing up chances of jobs if any of them decides to look u up and see what u post. Unfortunately, people discriminate, and based on what u expose about urself, they might be less likely to hire u. Nothin is really private online
Yes, you still are. There's plenty of non descriminative jobs out there that will hire me! You think it will be the first time that it'll happen? No, before I even had these sites in person I get judge, it's just the way this effed world is!! I wouldn't want to be apart of any descrminative, judgemental job anyhow!! I post what happens in life, not my effing address and street name! So far the only one who's judging me is YOU! The only thing that is really so called"exposed" is my eating disorder. And I dont even post much about it day to day not even weekly. Get your shit straight first before coming at me with things you don't even know about.
Why does it even matter to you? What do you get out of attacking me with these questions? Why do you even care!?!??
Once you become unanonymous then maybe I'll start to consider the things you say, until then go monitor someone elses life...
wait, huh? lol. i typo-ed? and then i did understand what you answered. lol
Haha, denng i denno. Lol. but Thanks girl and school is near ending its about over
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
aww thats no fun but hey your almsot done. Ehh college is college hahah but its nice to have some independence. Im back at sonic again for the summer and i absolutely hate it lol
Lol, deeng sonic haha. Wow does it ever get busy there?
Sorry...But you post way to much about yourself everywhere. I cannot see how it does not just scream 'pay attention to me!' Maybe not consciously, but you are. You can't expect people not to assume this when it is there every networking site you are on.
Your an idiot. How can i post way to much about myself on my own sites, what am i suppose to post about you? Last time i heard thats basically what a social networking site was for. Keep in touch with friends and let them know what your life is like.
Uhm, yeah, whatever.
What did i post that just screams "pay me attention"? hmm? i hate how people always try to pull the "attention" card on somebody. Get a life, and don't worry about what i post it is my site after all, i'm not gunna leave it blank.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
If we believed that life wanted more than anything else to simply serve our hearts dersires , asking on a daily basis -how do you want to be loved today - how would you reply?
I want to sit on a couch with someone and they hug me while we talk and i vent and cry my eyes out. I haven't had a supportive hug in months. :/
formspring.me
Ask me anything, I'll answer everything. Tell me what you really think. CHALLENGE: Can you do it w/ your user info? http://formspring.me/MszCatastrophe
i dont think youve had 2 heart attacks...you need a hospital to tell you youve had one for sure, not just self diagnosed.
Hun, if you get an EKG/ECG it shows the past damage done by a heart attack or a MI(myocardial infarction).. Thats how they can tell you've had one before when you might not even know yourself. Heart disease also runs in the family and my EMT training and CPR/AED training has taught me what to look for and signs and symptoms.
Thanks for your concern though. Trust, i'd rather not have had them at all, but it comes with the consequential side affects of what i did.
Don't believe me? Google it then.. Or ask your doctor, don't have to take my word on it.
Hope you have a good day/night. :]
why do you ask yourself your own questions on formspring? (don't pretend you don't.) Do you like listing all your symptoms and sizes and stuff. If you deny this, you're going to hell. Don't lie.
Deng, please God don't make me do this .. Let me keep this the cleanest i possibly can.
First off, i'm NEVER home and we're not allowed on social networking sites at my center and i hardly get on the computer there and sure as hell don't check this often there. i don't get home until late i shower and sleep. wake up early leave and its the same thing OVER. I have no time to think up this ish.
Second off, where in the hell do you come off at trying to tell me what i do and how things go. Screw you and YOU go to HELL. I add NEW people who don't know me daily on myspace, tumblr and other sites. Get a effing life. You're so full of it. I post my link on ALL of my social networking sites not just facebook or wherever the eff you came from. Do both you and i a favor and DELETE me you sad, cowardice excuse for a person. You are such a fake, how come you couldn't ask me this with your username. Had to go all anonymous, what are you afraid of? Hm? I don't have the time to ask myself all these question that i ALREADY effing know about myself you idiotic moron. Just because i answered the question doesn't mean you get to go and assume shizz. And if your thinking its for the attention (oh gosh excuse my language) you're SADLY FUCKING MISTAKEN! People like you make me livid. You people who have no backbone and hide behind stupid sites and computers to try to bring others down and finally choose to say what's really on your mind... GROW UP HUNNY! We're out of high school. Well, at least i am.
Your soooo lucky i started back up in bible study and it only was that bad or i would of really told you off with some other language..
Here's your WARNiNG!
BACK THE HELL OFF!
and if your smart ... You'd delete me.
Pfft. Wasted space is all you are.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
How tall are you and what size pants and shirt do you wear?
im 5'9" and my pants size range differs i can fit a size 4 to a size 9. Any bigger i get annoyed of it falling off my hips. Shirts depend to sometimes XS majority all are S and a few M and a handfull of nicer brands L. So yeah not really a definitive size ya know ..
Hey, have you ever gotten treatment for your cutting? i only read about your ED...
Uhm not really. I've been to a mental hospital for it for 2 weeks but they were so rude and just none understanding it was just not helpful. I actually got help from it from my summer YDS and my highschool counselor. They've helped the most.
How do you treat your friends?
Very well. I'm genuinely a nice person unless you f*ck me over then i outcast you and turn into a bitch. :] But i always support my friends adn look out for you no matter how long i knew you for and very caring of you. I give a lot of chances too many but yeah. Sometimes i just have to call it quits and let all the negative leave out of my life.
How do you treat your friends?
Very well. I'm genuinely a nice person unless you f*ck me over then i outcast you and turn into a bitch. :] But i always support my friends adn look out for you no matter how long i knew you for and very caring of you. I give a lot of chances too many but yeah. Sometimes i just have to call it quits and let all the negative leave out of my life.
How long were you inpatient at CFD? Which one did you go to?
The first time at CFD Whittier it was 1 month and 2 weeks, i got kicked out because of stupid insurance. And at CFD Lakewood it was 2 months i left because i wanted to and other stuff.
What if you were pregnant right now? What would you do?
Depending on my situation right now which isn't well and depending on the guy i'd carry it to full term and consider an open christian adoption. Or if the guy is good then i'd move out and keep it. theres no way im raising my child in the household i live in right now. i know it sounds cruel but my parents would not have any contact with my child at all!
..but I was wondering how you start training and where I would go to look for the EMT training opportunities? I know it's probably different seeing as we do not live in the same place but I was just wondering if you had any advice! :]
Lol i think i sort of answered this a little in the before one. See if you school offers it. It's only a semester and if you study and keep up on your work, your guaranteed to pass!
I follow you on twitter because I think we have quite a few mutual friends but I just wanted to say that I am a nursing major too :] and I read your tweets about EMT training and I am so jealous lol. I would love to work as an EMT on the side...
Haha :] im still in training until this friday. Then ill be able to take my NREMT. You should really find out if you school offers it its a great way to get your foot in the door and get experience. PLus it also tests to see if you really want to be in nursing after what you come in contact with haha.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
You are awesome and I love your style. Where do you get your ideas for your style?
Thanks! I honestly just wear what i wanna wear and act myself. Staying true to myself and not always wanting to fit in with the crowd or whatever is the latest trend. I love being unique and different. Im pretty out there with most things but hey i'd rather stand out, then blend in and be lost in the crowd :]. Let's make a statement!
How do you deal with your ed day to day?
During the week, i unconsciously engage in it automatically. I leave in the morning at 730am, so i never have time to eat breakfast. When i get to my Center i drink coffee unless i got some on the way and that what i drink throughout the whole day replacing my meals with diet pills or diuretics. With occasional smoking of the cigarettes if i feel my stomach growl. Super unhealthy i know, but yeah. And after class and everything i get home around 10pm so its usually too late to cook anything and everyones asleep and the kitchen is already cleaned. So i just go to sleep. Then its starts over.
Weekends i do eat breakfast&lunch sometimes but i also have a problem with purging. I don't binge never that. But i do purge the littlest thing i eat..
Its one hell of a struggle. Some days i can manage to eat something idk "normal" wise and keep it. Where there's days where nothing is going anywhere near my mouth. it's a mind thing thats hard to control. With rules to be followed.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
ABSTiNENCE a side have u ever been wit a white boy
Not sexually, if thats what you mean. Dating wise not so much either. Way back in middle school it really didn't work out and didn't even last long enough to be considered a relationship. So i guess no, i haven't.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
What do you think of Wannerexia? Do you feel all these sites on myspace/facebook contribute to it? How many people do you know who have it?
I honestly think no one should go out wanting an ED because it's dumb and its a struggle. At times its complete hell when your body is literally DYING on you because of what your inflicting on it. Wannerexics need to find a hobby and get into somethign else. An ED ISNT something you cant want and get, it doesn't work that way. I do think myspace/facebook contribute to it and keep you sick if your already struggling with ED. I know hundreds because i have them on my myspace. A handful i know personally.
In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did today or yesterday? How does this make you feel?
Yesterday yes! Ironically yesterday some lady crashed through and over our drive way of the house. She took out those green boxes that are for electricity. If my car had of been parked where i usually park it in front of my house, it would have been totaled and the lady would have been more seriously injured then she was. Also if her friend didnt turn the wheel she would of crashed right into our house and through one of our rooms.
So yeah, im definitely going to remember today. When i got home and everythign was pitch black and no one to be found i was hella scared and almost ran out my house and drove somewhere, i don't know where though and thats when my mom walked out and told me what happened. Crazy night coming home from philosophy at 1020pm and that stuff is happening.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Hey how have you been =]
Good! Drowning in the rest of school as im assigned essays and study guides and rest of the days homework.
How are you? Hows college for you? Are you still working? Where at if so?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
What health problems do you have/had and how do you handle them???
Ive had 2 heart attacks and a episode of tachycardia and bradycardia at the same time in one episode when they'd switch back and forth between an hour..
I have anemia, hypokalemia, hyperthyroidism, amenorrhea, low electrolytes, muscle atrophy, poor blood circulation causing a low temp in my body, ketoacidosis (ketones in blood and urine), and orthostatic hypotension.
That physically whats happening to me health wise. A long list huh! Yeah, thats what i get for having an eating disorder, your body starts to break down slowly.
Uhm, i've been prescribed meds and vitamins to help some of these but i refuse to take them because i also take dietpills, laxatives, and diuretics and i didn't want to mix pills. Or take that risk of OD which has happened before.
I handle them as they come i guess i monitor my heart on my own my EMT class has basically informed me what is normal and not for my body so basically i watch and supervise my body. Until it gets beyond my control.
Essence, Does your cell phone work? I miss texting you.
No it doesn't :[ Ill text you on my itouch but it only works if theres wifi. I have wifi at home and sometimes at my center so majority of the time ill respond. Send my your number and text you, i think i have it but im not sure if this number writen on my calendar is yours.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
u make me want to puke.
Go to your nearest bathroom then. Better than getting it all over your keyboard! You disgust me! :]
i'm doing okay.. i could be a lot better off. currently, my sorta' boyfriend left without letting me know i got a ride for work, so now i have no ride for work. but yeh! facebook is fun.. lol. how're you? i miss talking to you too.
I hope you get to work!!! When did you get a job im so far behind with you missy. Wheres it at? Facebook is amazing haha.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
what are ur fav. SI and ED books to read?
Self injury books:
Cut by Patricia McCormick.
Impulse(currently reading) by Ellen Hopkins
Blade Silver Colored Me Scarred by Melody Carlson
Eating disorder books:
Wintergirls by Laurie halse Anderson
Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
Perfect by Natasha Friend
Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff
Thin Enough by Sheryle Cruse
Insatiable by Eve Eliot
Winter girls and Perfect are the only ones ive read. Wintergirls was an amazing book to me. I own all these books but have not gotten around to reading them. I started Wasted but that book was triggering and intense for me so i stopped.
<3
Aww, girly how are you? I miss talking to you on myspace. I never go on and im glad youron my facebook so i should write on your wall soon! :]
Ok I am sorry for asking for CW. I actually wasn't comparing or anything. i just wondered because you say you weigh a lot but you really look fabulous....i'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel upset or anything.
Oh hun im not upset :]
I personally think i weigh waay too much but you know how disfigured body perception goes. Body perception is always the hardest thing for me and once my mind starts going its impossible to stop.
What's your CW?
How would that help you or me? Comparisons isn't healthy and we are not defined by a number especially with everybody's body being different.
Also im not comfortable releasing that information i personally think its too high (of course.
hi Essence love :) I just wanted to say that I really appreciate that comment you wrote on Lauren's formspring about me and that person's rude comments about me. you made me smile. you're a beautiful person and I appreciate you :)
Heey Shannon!!! No problem:] Honesty is my policy! Sometimes people are just too superficial. I'm glad to have influenced your smile though! Smiling is a daily requirement haha ;P
when are you coming to long beach?
This summer once school ends which is may. PLus i need a job. So julyish! To like look for apartments and visit both CFD's Whittier and Lakewood once more, but this time as an EMT!! Yaay. Haha.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
ur hot and smart im jealous
is this a joke? Right? Don't be jealous, there's nothing envious to me. Thanks though.
Why did you answer that question like 500 times? Haha.
Haha oh sugar! I just saw that, it's FS being all lame status and glitchy!
lol i see why now if out take them out would the coffee seep through the holes? youll probably guess ive never had a piercings in my life with these questions:) lol
Haha from the right hole i can squirt water from it haha i was just doing it like 2 mins ago while brushing my teeth haha. Not from the left one though its already starting to close. I hope coffee doesn't seep through it.
Haha, it's okay with piercings your not missing much. I'm positive even though i don't know who this is that your beautiful without them!
how come its hard to drink out of a coffee mug when you had those piercings?
They always got in the way or they'd hook on to the edge and when i'd pull away unconsciously they'd snag. I just pierced the left side of my lip Feb 28th so it was still healing and it hurt and still got swollen. Basically it was bothering and painful. Although i often wondered how it would be like kissing with them hahaha. DIfficult!
What is something you really want to do but haven't gotten around to doing it?
Plucking my eyebrows hah.
Or something else a little more serious wise. Getting my heart checked out since my last two heart attacks and my last episodes of tachycardia and bradycardia.
Monday, May 10, 2010
What's 5 interesting things about yourself!? :)
1) I'm a sports freak! Gymnastics, Ballet, Track and Field, Swimming, Tennis and Football, basically anything active!
2)i love reading. Take me away into someones else's life when mine gets too stressful :]
3) i love writing i have 1 poem published back in 2007 and i still continue to write one or more poems at least once a week.
4)I love singing. Music is the words my soul wishes to speak.
5) Helping people is my PASSiON. Period!
you OBVIOUSLYYY don't have an identity other than your ed or you wouldn't put that stuff in your about me! FIND YOURSELF, not your disorders. ugh.
What is it to you? Yes i do think it's the only thing i have left as in a coping skill but that's slowly changing. I'm recovered from my cutting. You don't know anything about me or what i've been through. Once again it's my formspring, my about me i could put WHATEVERR i want in it. It doesn't mean it defines me, it's just because i want it in there. Another thing is i don't change things just because other people don't approve of it. I am my own person, with my own mind. Yes, i do have an Eating Disorder, but the Eating Disorder doesn't have me! Recovery is a freaking journey, not a darn event. Get a life and please stay out of mine if it bugs you so much that i have it in there.
UGH to you too!
Why are so many people worried about what others have on there site and what not?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
why would you post something like that in your 'about me'? no one wants to see the bad in people.
It's what comes with me. So there's no surprises. It's not "bad" it's apart of my past and its apart of me. It's a disease/disorder. Not to snap back or anything but if someone put they had been fighting cancer for x years you wouldn't have wrote what you wrote here on their page ... Don't be so quick to judge please.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
What's your worst/best memory of high school and why?
My best memory of high school was when i confessed everything to my counselor sophmore year. It was such a relief off my chest knowing i had someone i could trust there for me that i can talk to. Also when in junior year she had me sent to a psychiatric hospital because that began the start of my help and understanding of what im going through and recovery ( somewhat ) from my eating disorder by getting sent to IP in CFD. :]
My worst memory was after that i kept being 51/50'd countless of times that school year but talked my way out of the hospital stays and stuff. Also worst being suspended when they found out i had cut myself in the school bathroom with a blade which they therefore called a weapon at school. :/
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
you discover that your wonderful one-year-old child is, because of a mix-up at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to correct the mistake?
I think everything happens for a reason and that there must be a reason that god did what he did for me to receive this child. In a way i would keep my current one-year-old and just see if the other mother and i can regularly keep in touch. Since the bonds have already been made it'd be tough just throwing the non-biological baby aside just because he/she wasn't yours. I've always wanted to adopt anyway. BUUT, my strong motherly instincts side would want my biological baby, because i wouldn't want he/she growing up thinking that i didn't want him/her.
Monday, May 3, 2010
i mean how big it is or just ilke in general. do you like it?
Oh yeah i like it. It's a 2 story 5 bedroom 3 bath house. Nice size backyard too.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
you are an amazing person and i hope we get the chance to talk more often :)
Thanks dearly! :] Just send me a message on Myspace or Facebook and i'd be glad to talk more often and further this friendship.
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