May14th, 2018 I left Montecatini In a way thatI I experienced it as a devastatingly traumatic event of compiled moments; as that clock ticked so loudly I felt it in my heart as it shown my time expired or expiring. I had to make a decision that I, myself felt the inability to decide with the mental state and emotional instabilities currently happening. Felt alone, terrified, with PTSD fear -based of feeling of being re-abandoned and yet another center/treatment people are giving up on me; calling it quits.
[ As verbatim one said, there’s nothing more I can do to help you with or to try when you’re unresponsive to certain methods suggested, with intense behaviors that you have it wasn’t enough and she felt like couldn’t treat me anymore, our sessions became stagnant and she felt id benefit more in my sessions with a different person. ]
On the daily, i woke up in beast mode as ED and i constantly battle but it doesnt sleep; thrown to the front lines on daily I unequipped in every way. ◦ depending what EDwas triggering me with was then how i chose my weapon to battle. There’s plenty enough days where i felt like giving up and just didint give a shit anymore. it was just to much to deal with, but atleast i showed up. It was all i had in me to do; instead of considering the option to quit. So in no way was my AMA from even a hint that i was choosing quit on everything and therapy there. Honestly, it was simply because my ride arrived and i would feel horrible to send my ride all the way back, for a longer stay but still stuck at the same impass and crossroad. i was already afraid of leaving because i felt i wasnt ready as i was restricting still pretty often towards the end. Not only that but terrified that my transition back to PHP wasnt already set up and might not go through. Many things had me panicking and still do but i really wanted more than anything, to start going back to school and working as an EMT. i just plain missed life, working and i dont i cant really explain it. it was like my life was passing me byand i cuoldnt do anyhting about because i was too busy dying, believing i was surviving and saving myself.
On Tuesday when my ride showed up to pick me up (due to a miscommunication) ◦ When I was notified about it every fiber in my body threatened to unravel; quivering my bones that threatened the very foundation of me standing… I didn’t know what to do or what you choose, I was scared terrified, I was frozen I just stood did there. Voices going back-and-forth in my head when trying to envision both future outcomes. I just couldn’t handle it and was impulsive but chose what felt safest and where I was living with someone I felt supported by and trusted. ◦ I had been planning on leaving because at first they were planning my discharge for the before Wednesday which was May 9th 2018, since I didn’t think going to Rebecca’s House was what i felt i needed or was best for me ..
It for several reasons 1) was because I have been I treatment literally for a YEAR & 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT!! I’m like gone through every level and back up! I believe I’m ready to do my best, especially after this amazingly blessed, supportive and out of this world helpful staff stay at Montecatini for the 2nd time! This is what they helped me with and what I learned personally about myself in attributes: ALL MONTE STAFF WHOLE-HEARTEDLY compassionately, honestly with out hesitation were so selfless, demonstrating, proving, reiterating, supportingand completely save my life and helped to my life around and strives to get it back and have goals, dreams, aspirations again! As well as find the the ambition, self-esteem, pride, passion for living fully authentically me loving each moment. confidence, belief in my self, to use my voice to reach out asking support, needing help or crying isn’t weak, I’m ALLOWED TO FEEL MY FEEL, HAVE THEM, and EXPRESS THEM in a healthy appropriate manner; i could slowly learn to feel alive once more instead constant fear, exhaustion, terror of exploding the cover off my concealment where all my emotions were locked away. I had on forbidden feelings emotions along with NEVER SHOW PAIN & NEVER NEED HELP! Especially learnesd from one staff member in partiular that i love; that im to care about me, that it’s okay to put me first.
It was so hard leaving, i had gotten so close with my peers and staff that it was just heartbreaking and sometimes still i cry for missing my M1 housemates, for the staff and the staff the had quit during my stay there that hit me hard.
The staff i truly love and im glad your my Monnte Fam and support when needed i still cry at times when i remember you all. I hate goodbyes an leaving treatment centers because of the deep bonds created My therapist was beyond amazing and i was so glad i was matched with her and we bonded well together and im glad shes allowing me to keep in contact with her. My gosh my eyes are watering just typing this. My Dietician was extraordinary as well which i already knew since i had her the first time i was there back in 2016. Many of the staff i knew back then were still there and which i was surprised at who still remained. I wrote a list of all the staff i knew throughtout my stay back then and i actually found the paper!! SO im going to do it agin, just in case i want to write them. Well thats it for now. im not sure how often ill post but i will get back to you on that!
Essence Evans(Eves)
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