Hebrews 13:5-6
New International Version (NIV)
5. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”[a]
6. So we say with confidence,
“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?”
Thursday, November 17, 2011
What's your favorite Bible verse?
Do you bring an actual binder to school and backpack? Or just notebooks and a purse?
Notebook and shoulder bag, and certain school books.
What piece of clothing in your closet will you never throw away?
My pj shirt that has ballarina bears on them. Had it since i was 5. And my YMCA basketball shirt, had it from the same age.
Do you have a special diet like vegetarian, halal, kosher, gluten-free, etc? How long have you kept it for?
Vegetarian from sophomore highschool for about 3 years
Pescetarian for about 3 1/2 years...
Currently i eat some meat, its been a few months
i cant seem to go any longer without my vitals getting screwed up and my anemia going completely haywire, im ALWAYS freezing.
How do you know what is right for your future? For example, how do you personally determine whether or not a decision to do something/become something is right for you?
You could use the Holland Inventory which identifies the strong suit of your personality out of 6 categories... (haha, studied a lot of psychology) Or you just know. I can confidently say i have a burning passion for Clinical Psychology&Deaf culture. And that wasn't my first choice of major. Psychology was my minor and my major was Nursing becoming certain types of doctors.. Deaf culture wasn't apart of my study. Then it switched when i learned more about psychology and found out it was my strong qualities, which i hear from my psych teachers, teachers, n others a lot. :] Look into what you want to become, get all the info you can get, find out all you can possibly know. You'll know whats right for you because your heart will race just thinking about becoming what you want in the future!
do you take a multivitamin?
No, but i need to! I have a whole pantry full of vitamins i need to take.
do you want kids? if so, how many? :) i want at least 2. maybe up to 4. :)
i want a BIG family! Some adopted as well! <3
what are things you do for distraction? when do you realize you need to distract yourself?<3
Practice ASL, Stretch, Dance, Sing, Write, Blog, etc :]
Between the Hunger Games, Harry Potter & The Twilight Saga, which is your favorite?
I havent read any so im going with Hunger Games because i REALLY want to read them!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
New site
Hey everyone i know i really dont blog on this as much because i really blog on my other one more often. So heres the link to that but ill try posting on both for now on!
www.crushedsoul3.xanga.com
www.crushedsoul3.xanga.com
Friday, August 19, 2011
How many languages can you speak?
I know quite a bit of Japanese and ASL (American Sign Language) and some spanish.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Do you have a nickname?
i have many! Momopi, Momoko, Flapjack, Pancake, Newbie, Nahimana, Sawoel, etc. etc.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
What is some good advice on how to cope with ...when people (older) telling you that things might not work out (ie; your job, relationships, etc) because they think they have more experience than you?
I'd respectfully thank them for their "advice" or opinion and tell them not every situation is the same. Their may have turned out differently, but in this situation there different factors and personalities etc, to apply. Making every situation impossible to turn out EXACTLY the same.. its just not possible, maybe similar but yeah. Things can change, and having the experience for yourself matters as well, as you're experiencing it..
Do you have any hidden talents?
Many. Singing, dancing, acting, guitar, piano, writing, drawing, and possibly others.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Do you think that the frozen yogurt shops are starting to get "un-popular" now? What do you think will be the next chain hit?
No! I hope not!! I love my Fro Yo!!
Have you ever been on a boat? Have you/your family ever owned a boat?
Yep beenon a boat. Nope they dont own.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Do you like horror movies?
Mm, it depends. Some are just plain stupid, and the legit scary ones.. i usually cant sleep the first or second night LOLOLOL!
If you had to beg for your living, what location would you beg from and what kind of approach would you use? Why?
I'd never beg someone to live..
Monday, August 1, 2011
On this day 30 years ago, MTV played its first music video. What's your favorite music video or MTV show?
My favorite MTV shows would be True Life, Made, 16&Pregnant and Teen Mom! LOL those...
Which really came first, the chicken or the egg?
Egg.. Dinosaurs laid eggs and then species just evolved from there.. idk LOL.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
What kind of phone do you have? And if you have a case for it, what's the design?
im working towards the Samsung Infuse.. My case would most likely be something black and purple or black and green or both.
What's your favorite way to stay cool when it's hot outside?
Not go outside at all! Hahaha! Because when i go outside when its hot i wear a jacket/pants to cover my skin so i dont get dark..
Do you have a favorite blanket? If so what is the design, and what is it made of/feel like?
Its one of those throw blankets thats really soft like kinda furry. It's light purple with swirly designs and i got it from a secret santa exchange in highschool. It been to all my treatment centers.
If you had a significant other, would you want to pick out your engagement ring, or just have it be a complete surprise?
A complete surprise! If he's asking me to marry him, he should know what i'd like!
Knowing that stuffed animals are super cute and cuddly, they are a total waste of space and overly priced. Would you limit the amount you would allow your future children to have?
Uhm, Interesting question haha. Uh, probably not i had a lot that took up the whole top shelf of my closet, but i never bought any of them they were all given to me as birthday or christmas presents. And everytime i go to the San Diego Zoo i HAVE to get a monkey! :] I've thrown 90% away when i turned 20. So, i guess i wouldnt.
Are you scared of thunderstorms? *It's pouring/lightning/thundering* outside my house right now =P I'm usually afraid that it's going to cause a tornado more than the rain/thunder and lightning itself...
I LOVE thunder/lightening storms! I Love just watching/listening to them its mesmorizing and entrancing. But the tornado part wouldnt be good..
How many profile photos do you have on your Formspring? Have you taken a profile photo with your computer's webcam yet?
Uhm, on Formspring i only have one and no i never take pictures with my webcam, it's abd quality.
Friday, July 15, 2011
.......why did u ask me 98 different questions...?
I sent them out in a mass to my whole list of who i follow as well of who follows me.. So all 100+ people got questions but it was not 98 i can tell you that much and that was a month ago or more idk.. next time ill make sure to exclude you..
Harry Potter opens today. If you were going to cast a magic spell, what spell would you cast?
Whoa whoa whoa! im not THAT into HP i dont read the books an i only watch the movie if its out on tv.. err something..
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
If you could ask a Formspring question to anyone in the world, who and what would you ask?
Angelina Jolie and Dr. Drew Pinksy.
Do you enjoy driving? Do you think you're a good driver?
Yes, i love driving myself places a the drive is calm when no ones acting like a butthole. I do think im a good driver. Have yet to been in a car accident, hit someone or be hit by someone.
What song do you despise so much you’d be pleased if you never had to hear it again?
Any of lady gaga's new album songs...
Do you like hoop or dangly earrings? I only wear studs, and occasional small dangly ones. I feel like a prostitute when they're hoops or huge dangly ones, lol! Don't ask?
Lol, i think the same with the huge huge hoop ones, so i only wear small or medium sized hoops and dangle earrings. i love dangle earring more so over the hoops. all a small or medium size but the rest of my ear hole have stud only.
Are you allergic to anything?
Yep. Grass, Apple Juice, and Egg Nog. All i can remember at the moment
What has been your best find at a thrift store? I went to Goodwill today and found a cute box for coupons for $1.99...and I found cute pillar ceramic bookends at Savers once for 99 cents.
Ooh, i need a box for my coupons!! Uhm mine would prolly have to be arts&crafts supplies like folding paper, pens, different grades of granite pencils for drawing all collectively under 10 bucks,
Monday, July 4, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
The year is halfway over today. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you so far in 2011?
Getting a God Daughter! :]
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
My Mom thinks it's weird I eat baby food (really just mostly the banana flavored ones!) and thinks it is like a weird habit or ED behavior, but really it just tastes like banana pudding to me, and it's only 50 cents and all natural... am I weird? Haha.
I dont think you're weird or it's weird, I did too! An you're right and it does resemble a pudding or sauce (applesauce). the prices are helpful too! Lol.
Do you donate clothes? I'm doing this thing where I am hanging my hangers backwards and whatever doesn't end up forward/being warn in a few months I'm just going to pull out and donate.
Yes! I always donate my clothes! Ever since I was little my mom always gave our Flores to the goodwill drive or something. I clean out my closet ever year sometime sooner or later depending on how often I went clothes shopping.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
What are you procrastinating right now?
Mm, cooking dinner. I'll start at 6 I'm tired right now. Lol.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
What word or phrase do you use too often?
Depends on the situation.. But usually "omgosh", "ferseriously", and "WTH".
How do you prefer to wear your hair?
When im out in public - Usually down or down with my bangs clipped to the side.
When I'm at home - in a braided ponytail back or in a bun.
What would you do if you got pregnant right now? Freak out? Be excited?
Freak out at first, cry, panic, test some more, and cry. But, after 24hrs i'd be hella excited, because there's nothing I want more, than a baby right now!!
The reason I would cry at first because I want to be moved out with a stable career job before I have my baby so I can spoil him/her and not struggle financially.
Do you pay your own bills? How do you balance your money? If you don't pay your own bills, do you think you'll be anxious when your parents cut you off? How will you afford everything?
I pay my own bills. Got cut off at 18. I have to budget my money by setting money aside for things I need to pay. Out of sight, out of mind. Prioritizing is key. It's hard that's forsure especially without a stable job.
Do you own a lot of DVDs or do you just do redbox? I'm recently addicted to redbox!
I have Netflix, or get them in stores. If it was really good we'd buy the DVD from stores. Other than that I just have copies of a million DVDs. Netflix not red box. I haven't used redbox.
What do you think about putting animals in clothes? As in, the clothes they actually make for dogs and stuff?
Haha, hum if the pet likes it then go right ahead. I used to put my t-shirt on my German Shepard after she got shaved an wahed because she was cold. Lol, I also would put socks on her paws havahah she hated it but it was funny to see her walk.
But anyway it's depends if your animal likes it an they don't try to rip it off. If they do don't dress them if they dont then your goo I guess..
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
dude are you getting hacked cause you keep sending like 50 questions a day!
No, sorry. I sent out a mass volume of questions to my whole follow list. I sent out the questions 2 days ago. I'll make to uncheck your name the next time I send out questions. It was just easier to click the "select all" button instead of going to every page since its about 200 friends..
Sorry Susan.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Do you believe in fate?
Erm, let's see.. Yes and No.
I believe that God has a plan for EVERYONE. That He will walk with and lead you to the most beneficial path for your life, if you allow Him to. So, basically, you can choose your fate/future and shape it out from the choices and actions you make.
If you chose to honor God with your life an live life in his image than that path has a fate set for you. Just as if you chose to live your life in the wordly image, that path has it's own fate.
[The "NO" part answer] :
So, technically you do have a choice in how you future an life events turn out depending on what choice YOU CHOOSE.
[The "YES" part answer]
Whichever choice you have made, will then reciprocate certain outcomes or events from the path that you've chosen to walk along. Also, without the control to prevent tragedies or hardships. Leaving us no other choice but to experience the unavoidable, then manage to somehow make it to the other side.
Hopefully that answered your question? If you're confused and need clarification just message me. I think I might of confused my readers. Sorry so long.
What's the biggest investment you've ever made?
Mm, I honestly don't know :/ Nothing comes to mind at the moment. Probably me investing in school for my future.
If you could cut/dye your hair any color (of the rainbow!) or cut it any way, without being looked at strange, judged, etc...what would you do?
I have bleached my hair light blonde (almost near platinum), and pretty much had every color hair that I've wanted: Red, Blue, Purple, Light Carmel Brown, and Blonde streaks separate from my the time I had my light blonde hair.
I have yet to have jade green (which I still want, badly)! Along with wanting the color silver.
So, I'll either dye it jade green or silver. :)
What is your favorite pair of jeans you own? Why and where did you buy them?
My black skinny jeans! I can't remember the name of the brand and I got them from Walmart. I love them because they fit amazingly and were so comfortable, with their soft material. Try also doubled as work pants. Even though they have a hole by the knee I still have them :)
Do you have to buy pants in short, regular or longs?
It depends, sometimes I can get away with regular majority of the time, but since I'm tall I have to get Long so they dot look like high waters on me.
Do you have a favorite water brand that you stick to? I only like certain bottled water's...some taste dirty to me.
I never buy bottled water. At home I do have a Britta water filter though. Other than that I usually drink G2 or Lipton bottled Diet Green Tea or the oter flavored ones.
What was your favorite childhood toy?
Tamagotchis, Giga Pets, and Nano Pets. I had about 15 no lie! Haha!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
What's your most exciting summer plan? (:
Well, most aren't even made right now but a few of them are:
1. Getting my first tattoo
2. Getting another set of piercings
3. Volunteering as a jr. counselor at Verdugo Pines
4. An meeting up with friends I haven't seen in years
That's what I have so far... More than welcome to plan stuff with me lol.
What's the best thing that has happened to you so far in 2011?
My God daughter, Alexandra was born! :) I'm beyond thrilled and happy to have a God child! Ash, you're going to be a great mother :)
Saturday, June 11, 2011
What's the most exciting thing that happened to you today?
Uhm, I was out of the house for about 5hours, going random places. Also watching insanely cute ragamuffin kitten videos! :) my mom said I should get two so they don't get lonely whenever I'm not there! Yay!
Friday, June 10, 2011
What's your astrological sign? Do you think it's representative of who you are?
Aquarius. Yes.
Element: Air
Your ruling planets: Uranus
Symbol: The Water Bearer
Stone: Amethyst
Life Pursuit: To understand life's mysteries
Vibration: High frequency
Aquarian's Secret Desire: To be unique and original
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
If you had the opportunity to live one year of your life over again, which year would you choose?
2010 hands freakkin down!!! DUUUUDDDEEE! PLEEEAASSEEE!
Would you rather date a lot of different people, or be in a committed relationship?
Committed relationship, duh!
If you could have a super power, what would it be?
Read other's minds, along with the control to turn off/on my ability.
how old were u when u left hemet?
I've never lived in hemet. I was (what im going to call) "momentarily spending a several nights" in hemet for 60 days. I live in Winchester; closely bordering Temecula. But, to originally live, never. Im from San Diego the Paradise Hills area!! Manazana WY, all day long! :]
formspring.me
Re-follow my Formspring, I accidently deleted all my followers!!
Wanna know something? Ask me! :) http://formspring.me/MszCatastrophe
Wanna know something? Ask me! :) http://formspring.me/MszCatastrophe
What does your average day consist of?
Babysitting, Writting, Exercising, Reading, Cleaning, and Blogging. :)
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
What was your favorite thing to do during recess at school?
Kickball, cause trouble, hang out with my boyfriend, and play tag or tether ball!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Are you glad you took it or do you regret it?
Moving out last August. 100% whole-heartedly regret it!!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
How much TV do you usually watch in a day?
Omgosh it used to be only 2 hours but now it's like 12 haha especially since my comps Internet isn't working
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What was your favorite birthday gift?
Thee 21st I'm getting a bunny from the mom once I move out. And the other gift they still haven't given menand won't tell me but it's connected with my Navy so once I finish with that is when I'll receive it.
What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?
CFD Binders with all the assignments, notes n other stuff. Also my thinspo journals
If you could only listen to one song for the next month, which would it be?
Kenney Chesney - You Save Me or Boys Like Girls - The Only Way That I Know How To Feel.
I FREAAKKING LOVE THESE SONGS.
Friday, March 4, 2011
What quality do you value most in your friends?
Support. How they care enough to stick through tough times and care enough to listen when I've had a horrible day and offer support!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
If you could have any car you wanted, what kind of car would you get?
2011 Camaro. Or the new Mustang. Or an Audi haha!
Monday, February 21, 2011
What's the last tv show you watched
Spongebob Squarepants! <3 Yes, i know, it's a very HEALTHY addiction :D haha. i got him on dvd!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
What's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
What day is it? What am i going to do today?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
What song best describes your life right now?
Complicated by Rihanna & The Only Way I Know How To Feel by Boys Like Girls
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
What's the first thing that you usually notice about someone you meet?
Height. Smile. Attractiveness. How they dress. Personality.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
If you could eat dinner with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?
Angelina Jolie. Possibly a Sushi place.
formspring.me
Do what you want, i do! Let no one tell you how to live YOUR life. Any Questions? http://formspring.me/MszCatastrophe
Friday, February 11, 2011
Do you believe in the death penalty? Why or why not?
Uhm, i think its an easy way out for their crimes. I don't think we humans should be allowed to play G-d when choosing when someone should live or die. Buh, there is crowding in the prisons so i guess it serves a purpose and even though the death penalty as a punishment won't reverse anything that has happened. i really don't know honestly..
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Hi Essence, how have you been?!
I've been good. Just got back from MEPS and go back down there next wednesday for job processing and processing my wavier. :D so very good im excited to start my NAVY career. i can't wait to see what jobs they have to offer me :]
Thursday, February 3, 2011
What's your favorite food to eat for breakfast in the morning?
Quaker: Instant Oatmeal Maple & Brown Sugar. I have to make it or i won't touch the shit! Haha, trust me!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
What makes you unique?
My name. Who i am. How i dress. The way i act. My personality. My taste in music. My talents and skills. My attitude. What i eat. How i eat. ME.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
What makes you smile?
Happy memories. The guy a like when he likes me back. Anything from the guy i like, lol. Corny, but sweet romance scenes. Good news. Things working out how i wanted. Etc.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
WHATS UPPPPPPPPP?!
LAAURREENNN! Nothing much! oh i lied, um i go to my NAVy meps thing and sign contracts sometime at the end of this week or next week and their aiming for bootcamp 2nd week of feb if all is well :] ill be in the NAVY soon:]
What's the secret to happiness?
Accepting the imperfections, being glad for what you already have, and being thankful that you were able to wake up to see another day.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Would you rather be a great athlete, artist, or musician?
Athlete with my gymnastics. I miss doing gymnastics<3
If you could change the world what would you do?
i'd open up my own residential treatment center for self injury and eating disorders that treat clients whos insurance have been declined or the ones that don't have any.
what kind of wedding do you see yourself having?
I don't know,. It's something for my hubby and i would discuss.
Friday, January 21, 2011
What do you want to be when you get older, or whats your dream job?
Becoming a therapist and a surgeon.
Let me entertain you a little with this question and maybe you'd be able to entertain me with the answer, Essence. In your own words, describe your dream man and if you have met or have possibly have met him already. Please and thank you :]
Hm, my dream man? Mm, that's kinda of hard. I've been hurt countless times by guys who promise you the world. Instead they give you back your heart shattered in a million pieces, still freshly painted with the love you two shared and special moments spent together. As the love painfully dries up and fades into nothing but another bad memory, they walk away! Leaving you to piece your heart back together, and they never even look back. As if everything you two been through, ceased to have any meaning. The reason i chose to stop dating 6 years ago.
Answer to your question.
He's attractive and taller than me. Same age or older. Possesses a unique personality. He has made future life goals for himself and is working towards them. Some one who makes me feel special. One that knows and that see through my imperfections, and still love me for who i am. Trustworthy. Gentleman. Persevering. Patient. Spontaneous. Romantic. Understanding. Smart. Responsible. Respectful. Outgoing. Mature. Sweet. Chivalrous. Active. Loving. Caring. Supportive. Dresses nicely. Can hold his own in a discussion/debate against me. Enjoys long and deep conversations. Will hold my hand in public. Likes cuddling and play fighting with me. He'd be my sunshine, with the ability to make me laugh when my skies turn gray and I've forgotten how to laugh. He'd dry my tears and be my reason to smile again.. He'd be my glue, when my world is spiraling out of control, and i can no longer hold myself together. He'd be my strength, when i'm weak and want to give up. In my mind, where my thoughts are a confusing, deceitful mess, he'd be the only thing that always makes sense. He'd be the one..
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Yea it's a song and a verse found in the bible. I've heard that it is hard to break that habit and I know how hard that can be. I'm glad you didn't get offended by me asking. Usually people react in the opposite manner.
No, i don't find anything offensive about it at all. It's just that it's been so second nature to me it always goes unnoticed and i don't see it as anything wrong since it's a word not being used in a hurtful context towards another.
Why do you cuss? Are we not the image of the invisible.
Image of the invisible? Isn't that a song?.. And i don't know, i just do sometimes it comes with the emotion. No harm done in it, i know it's looked down upon but it's not like I'm cussing up a storm at work, out in public, or in front of little kids. Just when I'm blogging on my internet sites and Facebook.. A few year ago i was way worse than i was now, I've improved! So, i can't say that i feel bad for it. It's just a conditioned habit that i still need to work on breaking..
Monday, January 17, 2011
What's the best thing that happened to you in 2010?
i stopped giving a fuck about what others thought about me and stopped trying to please them... I smoothed over a lot of indifferences, made much needed amends, took responsibility and grew the hell up. i started living for me, and thats the best thing that has ever happened in that year. Because 2010 was thee shittiest year ever! Bhut, 2011, this is my year to get my life going!!
What is the best thing that has happened so far in this new year 2011?
I got a friggen job! I got to have my 21st b-day party wiff my best frann again. And i finally have the motivation and discipline to do whats best for me and not what others think is best for me. So basically finding my life again :D
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
3,000th Post on Tumblr - Dedication to Jackie Gattis
Omgosh i miss my CFD Lakewood Treatment Therapist; Jackie Gattis! Like insanely bad.. I use to call her every now and then but ever since my cell went out and she left CFD to be a mother and start her own practice, i’ve completely lost contact.. I know it was bound to happen sooner or later. Buh, i so thought later. She was the only therapist to actually get me.
I have nights where i would dream of being back in treatment in like either Whittier house but mostly Lakewood house. Omgosh when i discharged from Whittier i had so many nightmares and dreams and constantly on my subconscious because i was kicked out because of insurance and it was my first residential and i had so many issues there, acted up a bit, cut in there, constant depression and just omgosh i wasn’t ready to recover but i wanted to but i was so conflicted had issues with ym therapist. It was a lot of ish that just was unfinished and continued to come up in my dreams. When i left i cried everynight because the minute i got back was the minute i stopped eating, and started exercising.. i got back and relapsed.
a years an 2 months later i get sent to CFD again but this time the lakewood house. Wanting so badly so be switched back to Whittier.. so glad i didn’t Jackie was amazing the other staff were amazing. Shit happened, confused feelings, psychotic 13yrold female, that shockingly i vaguely remember her at all. I rememebr her name an age but not the time of when she was there.. What she caused yah bunch of other crap buh wahtever.. Something i do remember was laying in bed everynight as i hummed myself to sleep thinking in the future what i would be doing?, where i would be at?, would i be recovered?, what would i look like? Than i thought to myself i better use these days wisely because my time was limited and i know once i discharged i would be thinking about the tiem i was in there and how come i didnt do this or take it seriously..
I regret not staying … i had a choice.. I fucked up but i wonder where i would be and would i k now the people i know and would i be better off than i am today or dead from the affects of my eating disorder .. So maybe i don’t kinda of regret it but i do regret moving out July 31st, 2010. That day indeed was the biggest mistake of my life and i would choose to do that day over and NOT move out. I wish to choose different and mend then instead of waiting for now. It wasn’t worth all of it. I costed a life. My kitty’s life that i wont ever forgive myself for because i fucked up. I tried to take the easy way out.. i miss her everyday, she meant so much more to me then most of my friendships that i have..
I wanted to go back to treatment.. Before i turned 20. In whittier i promised myself i’d never be like those 20+ years olds still sufferring from their ED and not living life.. Well, guess what? i am..
I lost so much to this ED that the damaged is irreparable. i myself to blame for that.
Along the way of this ED i’ve met the most amazing, true, honest people in my life that you only wish to meet and have as your friends. Treatment friends can be life long friends and its comforting to know that.
Im struggling with the decision if ill ever seek treatment for my ED or not. Should i?
If i do it would be after i join the Navy and stuff so not until im like 22…
I can’t believe ignorant, stupid little wannarexics want this disease. It’s pure hell and if you’ve never had it you will NEVER understand the full extent of it or seeing yourself doing the most embarrassing down low and dirty shit, yet not being able to stop yourself.
I miss Center For Discovery Whittier and the staff that were at it during my time.
I miss Center For Discovery Lakewood and the staff that were at it during my time.
I miss Barbie Lucas! I love how she’s my only bit of thread left of my CFD adventures.
I miss Rachel Liger, i wish i would have let her eradicate my ED. Buh, instead i blocked her out :[
i miss Sarah “Lux” Fujii, i wish i didn’t isolate inside my cage and let the percentage drop 0% space between the bar. Meaning i left no room for her. Only my ED and I! I wish it was the other way around.. i miss how i didnt have to talk and just sitting there would be enough.
But, most of all I miss Jackie Gattis. I miss how she knew how i was feeling without me even saying it. I miss our connection. I miss our sessions and even though i would say nothing at all and drift in and out of consciousness by disassociating, it was still a informative session. i miss her calm voice and understanding personality, and how i couldn’t read her emotions, unlike every other therapist i had. I miss how i could be completely honest with her and not feel ashamed or guilty but compelled nto to hid anything from her. But, most of all, i miss how i could 100% TRUST HER! I don’t even know why, but i let her in unknowingly and trusted her with everything and nothing bad came of it. Jackie Gattis was officially the first person in my entire life of living(at that time i was 18), the person i trusted the most. Currently, still trust and remains the person i only trust.
Fuck man. It was so hard discharging.. I’m glad i discharged on a Saturday and not a weekday, because i know i wouldn’t have the strength to leave if she was still there i’d be a complete mess and it would of been harder for me to handle then it was her leaving first. Jackie walking out the door sort of symbolized that it was time for me to walk on my own two feet. That she had done all she can, well the whole treatment teama nd staff and that it was time for me to put it to use.. THe last days of treatment were hard for me because i had already started to lapse back into my ED. Fully relapsed when i got home. Purged right when i got upstairs before i called them.
As i’m writing this i feel so conflicted and pensive. Like, i know they would want me to recover and grow from this and be happy. Then there’s the part of me that i have not even dealt with that still keeps me sick..
When i do visit Jackie and meet up with her again, and i promised her i would. I want to be 100% recovered and doing amazingly! I don’t want her work to just be disregarded like that, she had truly put in work (as so did i) that has gotten me toward thinking of a healthier life. No other therapist has. So, im going to salvage what i’ve learned from her this year and push forward. I may stumble and i may fall, but as long as i get back up again and keep progressing forward,
it’ll be okay.
it’ll be okay …
Essence Evans
Space between the bars - 33% :]
I have nights where i would dream of being back in treatment in like either Whittier house but mostly Lakewood house. Omgosh when i discharged from Whittier i had so many nightmares and dreams and constantly on my subconscious because i was kicked out because of insurance and it was my first residential and i had so many issues there, acted up a bit, cut in there, constant depression and just omgosh i wasn’t ready to recover but i wanted to but i was so conflicted had issues with ym therapist. It was a lot of ish that just was unfinished and continued to come up in my dreams. When i left i cried everynight because the minute i got back was the minute i stopped eating, and started exercising.. i got back and relapsed.
a years an 2 months later i get sent to CFD again but this time the lakewood house. Wanting so badly so be switched back to Whittier.. so glad i didn’t Jackie was amazing the other staff were amazing. Shit happened, confused feelings, psychotic 13yrold female, that shockingly i vaguely remember her at all. I rememebr her name an age but not the time of when she was there.. What she caused yah bunch of other crap buh wahtever.. Something i do remember was laying in bed everynight as i hummed myself to sleep thinking in the future what i would be doing?, where i would be at?, would i be recovered?, what would i look like? Than i thought to myself i better use these days wisely because my time was limited and i know once i discharged i would be thinking about the tiem i was in there and how come i didnt do this or take it seriously..
I regret not staying … i had a choice.. I fucked up but i wonder where i would be and would i k now the people i know and would i be better off than i am today or dead from the affects of my eating disorder .. So maybe i don’t kinda of regret it but i do regret moving out July 31st, 2010. That day indeed was the biggest mistake of my life and i would choose to do that day over and NOT move out. I wish to choose different and mend then instead of waiting for now. It wasn’t worth all of it. I costed a life. My kitty’s life that i wont ever forgive myself for because i fucked up. I tried to take the easy way out.. i miss her everyday, she meant so much more to me then most of my friendships that i have..
I wanted to go back to treatment.. Before i turned 20. In whittier i promised myself i’d never be like those 20+ years olds still sufferring from their ED and not living life.. Well, guess what? i am..
I lost so much to this ED that the damaged is irreparable. i myself to blame for that.
Along the way of this ED i’ve met the most amazing, true, honest people in my life that you only wish to meet and have as your friends. Treatment friends can be life long friends and its comforting to know that.
Im struggling with the decision if ill ever seek treatment for my ED or not. Should i?
If i do it would be after i join the Navy and stuff so not until im like 22…
I can’t believe ignorant, stupid little wannarexics want this disease. It’s pure hell and if you’ve never had it you will NEVER understand the full extent of it or seeing yourself doing the most embarrassing down low and dirty shit, yet not being able to stop yourself.
I miss Center For Discovery Whittier and the staff that were at it during my time.
I miss Center For Discovery Lakewood and the staff that were at it during my time.
I miss Barbie Lucas! I love how she’s my only bit of thread left of my CFD adventures.
I miss Rachel Liger, i wish i would have let her eradicate my ED. Buh, instead i blocked her out :[
i miss Sarah “Lux” Fujii, i wish i didn’t isolate inside my cage and let the percentage drop 0% space between the bar. Meaning i left no room for her. Only my ED and I! I wish it was the other way around.. i miss how i didnt have to talk and just sitting there would be enough.
But, most of all I miss Jackie Gattis. I miss how she knew how i was feeling without me even saying it. I miss our connection. I miss our sessions and even though i would say nothing at all and drift in and out of consciousness by disassociating, it was still a informative session. i miss her calm voice and understanding personality, and how i couldn’t read her emotions, unlike every other therapist i had. I miss how i could be completely honest with her and not feel ashamed or guilty but compelled nto to hid anything from her. But, most of all, i miss how i could 100% TRUST HER! I don’t even know why, but i let her in unknowingly and trusted her with everything and nothing bad came of it. Jackie Gattis was officially the first person in my entire life of living(at that time i was 18), the person i trusted the most. Currently, still trust and remains the person i only trust.
Fuck man. It was so hard discharging.. I’m glad i discharged on a Saturday and not a weekday, because i know i wouldn’t have the strength to leave if she was still there i’d be a complete mess and it would of been harder for me to handle then it was her leaving first. Jackie walking out the door sort of symbolized that it was time for me to walk on my own two feet. That she had done all she can, well the whole treatment teama nd staff and that it was time for me to put it to use.. THe last days of treatment were hard for me because i had already started to lapse back into my ED. Fully relapsed when i got home. Purged right when i got upstairs before i called them.
As i’m writing this i feel so conflicted and pensive. Like, i know they would want me to recover and grow from this and be happy. Then there’s the part of me that i have not even dealt with that still keeps me sick..
When i do visit Jackie and meet up with her again, and i promised her i would. I want to be 100% recovered and doing amazingly! I don’t want her work to just be disregarded like that, she had truly put in work (as so did i) that has gotten me toward thinking of a healthier life. No other therapist has. So, im going to salvage what i’ve learned from her this year and push forward. I may stumble and i may fall, but as long as i get back up again and keep progressing forward,
it’ll be okay.
it’ll be okay …
Essence Evans
Space between the bars - 33% :]
Monday, January 3, 2011
Are you a forgiving person?
Honestly, more than i should be. Which is why i always get used or back stabbed by others..
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