Not eating. CFLC. Update.

Day: (10/14) Hours: [244/336]

4 hours into Day 10. I feel constantly lethargic. I can sleep anywhere at anytime. Ugh.

I lost 10-11lbs. a few hours into the 9th day i'd lost 9lbs. I exercised last night an today so hopefully its up to 11lbs-12lbs weight loss. I still feel and look disgusting. I have a bad feel this treatment thing isn't going to work out. Im so crushed and disappointed. I really wanted to do it too. Whatever i guess, maybe it's not meant to be and im not meant to recover yet.. It's getting easier to avoid meals. I tell parents if for some odd reason they ask, that i ate at the center and they just say "oh okay" and for the center i take food home which helps in tricking my family. So it all falls into line. My brother usually eats whatever i bring anyway so its not like its getting wasted.. I'm going to weigh myself at 630am before my shower.i hope i lost 2lbs or at least 1.5lbs. I hate that i still want to lose weight. It's like im compelled too. A voice way persuading and stronger than mine pulling me ever so lightly but with consistent force to keep in this stupid ED! WTF dude. AYE! I dont even know anymore....

Ugh i hate this. How awkward things are including food with me. How i won't be happy until i reach my goal weight but not even that is guaranteed. How no matter how much weight i lose, it'll never be enough. I hate it all! Then again, its the very thing keeping me sane. Helping me survive this house. Giving me my control over what i should of had control over all these years. Me, That wasn't the case though. Nope, sure wasn't the case..

Everything this summer so far is good in a aspect. Yeah, i don't have gas from my mom anymore and im going to have to figure transportation. But being at the center is worth walking 10miles to west valley/walmart to be picked up just to be there for the day. It is all worth it! I need a job, badly i so wish i could be in the summer program this time around omg that'd be major help. Haha, my goal is to work there one day. Lol i know kinda lame but its the kind of work i want to do. Interact with kids, teens, youths, young adults, okay ill take it and also being able to help them and be their support is great! I just need to start off as Stephanie's Assistant haha. Hm, one day.

Ima take like a 2 hr nap wake up and exercise and write this speech article really quick and stay up the remainder of the night. Listening to music thinking, reminiscing, dreaming, hoping, wishing, believing that somewhere out there, there is people who truly care about me. Who may not be my blood relatives, but has become family to me.

... wait, yupp. I've already found it; CFLC Empower Youth Center :]

Thank you, God!

I am blessed with such an amazing surrogate family, and that i was able to cross paths with each and everyone of these amazing people.

This place im at right now, it's just a house. When i go to CFLC, it's more than center, it's my home...

My home...