Relapsing more

I hate my body. I feel horrible and disgusting. I want to starve and be in control again, but that means losing control of everything i thought i had control of. What to do? I hate my thoughts. I hate my body. I hate myself for this. Yet it's what makes me feel alive while dying inside. It makes me feel pain, when i can't feel nothing at all. It makes me want to live, when all i want to do is die. It gives me control, as i spiral out of control. It makes me live, even though it isn't really living. It isn't me, although it is, and has been for years... Where did i go? When am i coming back? I can't breathe, feel, or see down here and its cold. Oh, so cold...