have you met anyone from offline? like ed myspace and stuff? if so, who? were they nice? was it awkward? Uhm, no i haven't. I wish i could so i wouldn't be so alone in this. ^^ YOU MET ME basically from online! lol!

To Lauren: [OMG OMG i did, i did! Im so sorry haha. April always talked about you and i knew you went to Whitter exactly after me and then while i was in Lakewood with April you were in Whittier too. So in a way i felt like i already knew you in a way from April talking and showing pictures. Also from myspace. Haha.]


So let me re-phrase that!


YES i did meet someone online from my ED Myspace. I met Lauren and she was nice and amazing! I'm glad i got to meet her! No it wasn't awkward i was glad to actually meet someone who knows what it felt like to have an ED and thoughts and i felt i didn't have to fake it around her. Meeting her was a blessing! :]

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances?

Oral sex! Anything i consider immoral.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

have you met anyone from offline? like ed myspace and stuff? if so, who? were they nice? was it awkward?

Uhm, no i haven't. I wish i could so i wouldn't be so alone in this.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

How have things been going for you? Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while.

It's okay Mia. Things have been alright until last night. So close to having possibly the worst heart attack since last summer or any others i had. My heart just started beating so fast out of no where while i was laying in bed and it hurt so badly then 2mins later it slowed down. Really slowed down. I went and got my stethoscope and clocked my heart beating at 157bpm. When it slowed down it slowed to 42 and it kept switching back and forth to tachycardia and bradycardia. SCARY! Im so glad it didn't actually stop because then i don't think it would of started back up again!

How are you hun?

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

My Update

Good news and Bad news


Good News:

Well losing weight :]
thats always a good thing also
i bought 2 bottles of diet pills
and laxatives.


Lipo 6 and Slim Quick Hoodia




Bad News:
My mom and everyone is basically on to my ED meaning they are confronting me about it. They already know i have one. Someone at the center confronted me and then my mom just did about 30 mins ago. I denied to my mom like no other and told her she was wrong. Which on half of the stuff she was she claims she knows things but she doesn't. I'm not always in my ED behaviors. Whatever.

Even so that makes it bad on her if she claims shes known i've relapsed for almost a year now then why the hell hasn't she brought up IP treatment? Or therapy? It basically shows and tells me that she doesn't give a fuck. She just said "fine don't eat and if you do throw up clean the toilet."  Gee thanks, screw you too..





i didn't fucking ask for this. No one did and so little people understand that. They think we want to have an Eating Disorder, uhm no! Seriously, worst possible hell to even go through. It's not easy to recover from and even though your recovered you still fight it everyday. It stays with you for the rest of your life in the back of your mind. Waiting for a weak point in your life to possibly relapse you, unless your stronger than it and choose to overcome it everyday. Unless you take back the control and choose to be healthy, and stronger then the impulsive voice telling you to lose weight, not eat, throw up, exercise more, take diet pills, laxatives, lie, isolate,self loathe and not concentrate. To lose your friends, push away your family members, lose your job, miss out on physical activities, miss class, not go to social events, constantly lethargic, unhappy when your not suicidally depressed, paranoid, a perfectionist, have nothing make sense anymore.

Or be constantly afraid that today could be the day your heart chooses to give out on you and your body is so badly damaged that you don't recover from a heart attack and you lose your life to your eating disorder.






You tell me if you really want this??





No?




Then why the hell would i?







http://formspring.me/CrushedSoul

2 years Memories.

It's been 2 years since i was admitted to CFD Lakewood and it feels like it has been shorter than that. I remember everything like it was yesterday. I miss everyone that was there during my time. I was there for 2 whoole months, could of been more but i chose to go home. I miss Jackie like crazy. Who'd known 2 years later she'd have a baby boy name Rylan James Gattis. Or she'd leave CFD forever beginning her own private practice. So many things have happened. Who'd a thought that Sarah would move to Seattle and pretty much cut off all communications means with me. Hah, :[ i really miss her, but its gotten easier to actually push our memories to the back of my mind. It still hurts though. Aw, and the clients there or my roomies that were there with me are amazing and i miss them a lot too. Jamie is now a dietitian and working at Downey as one:] im sooo gald for her. Leah is working as one also. Shanisha got fired :/ or laid off which ever one. Jeannette moved so she doesn't work there as often. Crystle is still there aha :]. Uhm, oh oh i jsut talked to Carly not to recently and her baby girl is doing great. Aw shes my OG! Ahaha, she was good.

Just little memories like that. Mean a whole lot to me. I miss the whole experience and im guess im glad the things happened the way they did but i really wish i could of really appreciated the time i had with them even more than i had.


Center For Discovery in Lakewood, CA  - April 21, 2008 to June 21, 2008 <3




Miss it. Also when i got back from Whittier CFD i use to have dreams and nightmares about it. I really missed that place like no other and wasn't prepared to be kicked out of it because of lame ass insurance. It traumatized me being sent home. It hit me hard and it just kept showing up in my dreams and nightmares and having everything associated with it. It was weird but yeah it soon stopped. I miss the people at Whittier too.

Center For Discovery in Whittier, CA - January 24, 2007 to February 28, 2007



Aw, memories.

What do you think it will take to make you want to get better?

Honestly, i don't know. It'll be 2 years tomorrow since my admittance to my last inpatient/residential treatment center. Months after my dietitian quit seeing me because i kept losing weight. Months more later i quit seeing my therapist just so i could isolate and lose even more weight. Now she's back full and can't see me. So it's been awhile for me to just sit in my "disorder" that i've gotten use to living with it. So, frankly, i don't know.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

ur constant blogging about it is just keeping yourself surrounded by ED. ull never recover if you surround urself with triggers other then that, ur gorgeous hunny

I just find that it's what describes how i currently feel and what i want. I'm so ambivalent between admitting that it's a problem and accepting it as it is, basically my normal. So far i'm leaning towards the it's just normal and something i was given to live with. Some people recover from there diseases, others don't. I'm accepting it as it is.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Why are you losing weight again?

Because I need to. I'm over my appropriate weight preference in my opinion.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

what do you think is keeping you in your eating disorder?

My environment (as in home). Myself. Stress. In that order.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

^-^ You're gorgeous. Just btw. So, what's your biggest accomplishment?

Thank you! :] my biggest accomplishment has been moving on. Just learning to accept things how they come. And being able to graduate high school admist of missing so many months from being IP both junior and senior year!

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Weight Loss plan & Update.

OMG FUCK RECOVERY.

So much for trying to be healthy and shit.

I've gained about 15lbs in the past 3 months!!



KiLL ME! FML



My Character Counts Award Ceremony is in 2 friggen weeks!!

2 weeks to liquid fast, exercise vigorously, and  use laxatives and diet pills !!
should shave off a good 20 - 30lbs.

To hell with "being healthy".

IDGAF atm!

i can't do this anymore.

im fat and disgusting and i need to get rid of this. I can never fully make it
in recovery so its just time i come to terms with it and that this is just how
i am.







What im using:

1 gallon of Master Cleanse Lemonade
Diet Pills (4pills a day)
Probiotic Cleanser (a healthy laxative)
Colon Cleanser ( cleans out colon)
Cigarettes ( to kill hunger)
Gum (gives me flavor just in case)



I've written down everything, i have my diet journal, everything is ready.
Theres no reason why i shouldn't complete this. I have to finish all 14days and i will!


Yay i can't wait until this weight is off!

formspring.me

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything. http://formspring.me/CrushedSoul

Hey! You're one of my followers on tumblr and I just wanted to drop you a note. You should add an ask feature on yoursite so ppl can leave u messages. Anywho, we have a lot in common! I've had an ED for 6 years. Nursing major. Black. Woman...lol.

Hello!! How do you do an ask feature?? Yeah psychology and Nursing are my majors although Psychology is really pushing itself forwarded more and more each day! I'm mixed! Haha, Native American, White, Black, and Filipino :] Hopefully we get to know each other better!

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

You are gorgeous!!!!! :D

Aw, thank you very much! :]

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

you never answered my question

Im sorry what was your question?

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

what is your most FAVORITE thing to do? p.s. youre a really nice girl and im glad youre my friend:)

Hm, my most favorite thing to do is sports and writing. I love being active and challenging myself while also learning new skills and bettering myself in the sport. As for writing, i just love it, writing is my passion and im working on publishing a poetry book and a book. :] Aw, i'm glad you're my friend too!

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Oh ok. I thought you did caz it said I use to. Sorry bout that. Yeah, i was like 9 mos free and then idk what happened. A break down I suppose...oh and guess what? I found out my height is 5'9" 1/4. at a different dr, i was 5'10". So frustrating!

Haha thats great your 1/4 taller than me! Im 5'9" i wish i was 5'10 or 5'11" lol. Sometimes at different doctors my height ranges from 5'9" to 5'8 3/4 i think its their ruler placement or something.

Im hoping that use to will become true i stil havent hit a year! I was so close to hitting a year when i went Inpatient at CFD Lakewood but i came home and messed up. And didn't care ever since. I sort of missed it but didn't want to do it.
I'm here for you though if you ever need me just message me :D

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

=( Idk why you keep getting these mean things. I think your so pretty, skinny and unique. I worry about you and your heart condition and all of your health is at risk basically. =( I'm jjust scared. But anyways, How did you overcome SI?

They are just jealous haters who have nothing better to do but make me break my promise not to curse as much! Haha. My heart is okay (for now) i only get occasional palpitations instead of everyday like last summer. Uhm, i haven't overcame SI, i just had my worst cutting session in awhile since the Mental Hospital a month ago. BUUT, i am making it the last one ever. I know easier said then done, but my arms look horrible and i hate it! I'm so self-conscious of them.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

I miss speaking with you. Are your favorite colors Black and Purple? (Because of background) Those are my fav! <3

Yes, the are and green. I have 3 Purple, Green and Black! <3 i miss speaking with you too Mia!

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Do you believe in God?

Yes i do!

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

jealous bitch? pahaha.thtsfunny. THTS THE LAST THING! ewe....

Hah, kay whatever keep telling yourself that. The proof is how you keep me on your page just to hate on me and how your scared ass is anonymous. Man up bitch, and say this shit to my face .... Yeah, thats what i thought! STFU & GTFO JEALOUS BITCH! IDGAF, stop trying to act all hardcore with the keyboard!!

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

:-( mean person Im sorry u got that comment.

It's okay, people will be people. Can't change that. Thanks for caring though! :]

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

no one likes your fat ass! FAT ASSS FATTASSSS.you should a eating disorder. stop eating fat ass. FAT ASSSS. you post too much shit, u want attention.

FYI you could delete me dumbass! First off, i don't even post much about my ED, so go fuck yourself with that one. Second off, i could careless about what others say about me, you people DO NOT influence my weight or how i perceive myself. The only opinion that matters is mine. Why don't you try learning about Eating Disorders before you go and talk shit. I don't want or need the attention, it's my websites i could post whatever the fuck i want on them. Which brings me back to the first part which is i hardly post stuff about my ED only when i'm struggling even then i don't post majority of the time. Thanks for hating on me you jealous bitch! Come again :D

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Relapsing more

I hate my body. I feel horrible and disgusting. I want to starve and be in control again, but that means losing control of everything i thought i had control of. What to do? I hate my thoughts. I hate my body. I hate myself for this. Yet it's what makes me feel alive while dying inside. It makes me feel pain, when i can't feel nothing at all. It makes me want to live, when all i want to do is die. It gives me control, as i spiral out of control. It makes me live, even though it isn't really living. It isn't me, although it is, and has been for years... Where did i go? When am i coming back? I can't breathe, feel, or see down here and its cold. Oh, so cold...

You post to much about your eating disorder on facebook. Its like you want attention from it. Are you trying to recover ? Im not trying to be mean. Your a wonderful person. There is so much more to your life then your eating disorder.

When i struggle with it is when i post about it. No, i don't want attention from it i just post whats on my mind. Support would be nice, but i also have other friends who suffer from EDs on my site so it's a way to keep them updated on how im doing. Uhm, i don't know about recovery, it's hella hard and i try and try to but everytime i call it recovery i mess up and relapse. So no im not. My eating disorder sadly is my life.

Ask me anything :] Ill anwser everything.

Holding On part 2

What's your motivation
Have you found out yet?
Something keeps you going
Maybe the people you can't forget
Your down to your fingertips
You start close your eyes
All the effort you spent building yourself
Turned out to be your disguise
You look in the mirror
You have been revealed
Your emotions run haywire
Where the heck is the seal
Trying to forget
The person you became
All the habits you do
Became a disease with a name
You take a deep breath
And let your fingers slip
But you don't fall
Someone caught onto your wrists
Just enough strength
Just to hear them through
It's only temporary darkness
Of what your going through
They talked you down to your feet
This ordeal has reached its end
Your safe on the ground for now
Until you fall through the cracks again.

Holding On part 1

So your hanging on
How long can you go
What do you do next
What feeling do you show
Your hands are cramping
As your emotions ride up and down
Its a blind sighted roller coaster ride
Yet from your mouth there's no sound
Your heart weighs heavy
As you begin to lose your grip
Weighed down by stressors of everyday life
Maybe this time you just might slip
Trying to hold on
But whats your motivation?
Trying to stay connected
Only to feel a cold sensation
Do you risk that fall?
And try to reach out?
Give up every secret
Risk being found out
Will you just let go?
And surrender to your demons
The hope of finding a way out
Do you still believe in?
Down to the last bit of strength
Which direction will you go?
What in the world is eating away at you?
To be honest, i don't know ... i don't know.