Omgosh i miss my CFD Lakewood Treatment Therapist; Jackie Gattis! Like insanely bad.. I use to call her every now and then but ever since my cell went out and she left CFD to be a mother and start her own practice, i’ve completely lost contact.. I know it was bound to happen sooner or later. Buh, i so thought later. She was the only therapist to actually get me.
I have nights where i would dream of being back in treatment in like either Whittier house but mostly Lakewood house. Omgosh when i discharged from Whittier i had so many nightmares and dreams and constantly on my subconscious because i was kicked out because of insurance and it was my first residential and i had so many issues there, acted up a bit, cut in there, constant depression and just omgosh i wasn’t ready to recover but i wanted to but i was so conflicted had issues with ym therapist. It was a lot of ish that just was unfinished and continued to come up in my dreams. When i left i cried everynight because the minute i got back was the minute i stopped eating, and started exercising.. i got back and relapsed.
a years an 2 months later i get sent to CFD again but this time the lakewood house. Wanting so badly so be switched back to Whittier.. so glad i didn’t Jackie was amazing the other staff were amazing. Shit happened, confused feelings, psychotic 13yrold female, that shockingly i vaguely remember her at all. I rememebr her name an age but not the time of when she was there.. What she caused yah bunch of other crap buh wahtever.. Something i do remember was laying in bed everynight as i hummed myself to sleep thinking in the future what i would be doing?, where i would be at?, would i be recovered?, what would i look like? Than i thought to myself i better use these days wisely because my time was limited and i know once i discharged i would be thinking about the tiem i was in there and how come i didnt do this or take it seriously..
I regret not staying … i had a choice.. I fucked up but i wonder where i would be and would i k now the people i know and would i be better off than i am today or dead from the affects of my eating disorder .. So maybe i don’t kinda of regret it but i do regret moving out July 31st, 2010. That day indeed was the biggest mistake of my life and i would choose to do that day over and NOT move out. I wish to choose different and mend then instead of waiting for now. It wasn’t worth all of it. I costed a life. My kitty’s life that i wont ever forgive myself for because i fucked up. I tried to take the easy way out.. i miss her everyday, she meant so much more to me then most of my friendships that i have..
I wanted to go back to treatment.. Before i turned 20. In whittier i promised myself i’d never be like those 20+ years olds still sufferring from their ED and not living life.. Well, guess what? i am..
I lost so much to this ED that the damaged is irreparable. i myself to blame for that.
Along the way of this ED i’ve met the most amazing, true, honest people in my life that you only wish to meet and have as your friends. Treatment friends can be life long friends and its comforting to know that.
Im struggling with the decision if ill ever seek treatment for my ED or not. Should i?
If i do it would be after i join the Navy and stuff so not until im like 22…
I can’t believe ignorant, stupid little wannarexics want this disease. It’s pure hell and if you’ve never had it you will NEVER understand the full extent of it or seeing yourself doing the most embarrassing down low and dirty shit, yet not being able to stop yourself.
I miss Center For Discovery Whittier and the staff that were at it during my time.
I miss Center For Discovery Lakewood and the staff that were at it during my time.
I miss Barbie Lucas! I love how she’s my only bit of thread left of my CFD adventures.
I miss Rachel Liger, i wish i would have let her eradicate my ED. Buh, instead i blocked her out :[
i miss Sarah “Lux” Fujii, i wish i didn’t isolate inside my cage and let the percentage drop 0% space between the bar. Meaning i left no room for her. Only my ED and I! I wish it was the other way around.. i miss how i didnt have to talk and just sitting there would be enough.
But, most of all I miss Jackie Gattis. I miss how she knew how i was feeling without me even saying it. I miss our connection. I miss our sessions and even though i would say nothing at all and drift in and out of consciousness by disassociating, it was still a informative session. i miss her calm voice and understanding personality, and how i couldn’t read her emotions, unlike every other therapist i had. I miss how i could be completely honest with her and not feel ashamed or guilty but compelled nto to hid anything from her. But, most of all, i miss how i could 100% TRUST HER! I don’t even know why, but i let her in unknowingly and trusted her with everything and nothing bad came of it. Jackie Gattis was officially the first person in my entire life of living(at that time i was 18), the person i trusted the most. Currently, still trust and remains the person i only trust.
Fuck man. It was so hard discharging.. I’m glad i discharged on a Saturday and not a weekday, because i know i wouldn’t have the strength to leave if she was still there i’d be a complete mess and it would of been harder for me to handle then it was her leaving first. Jackie walking out the door sort of symbolized that it was time for me to walk on my own two feet. That she had done all she can, well the whole treatment teama nd staff and that it was time for me to put it to use.. THe last days of treatment were hard for me because i had already started to lapse back into my ED. Fully relapsed when i got home. Purged right when i got upstairs before i called them.
As i’m writing this i feel so conflicted and pensive. Like, i know they would want me to recover and grow from this and be happy. Then there’s the part of me that i have not even dealt with that still keeps me sick..
When i do visit Jackie and meet up with her again, and i promised her i would. I want to be 100% recovered and doing amazingly! I don’t want her work to just be disregarded like that, she had truly put in work (as so did i) that has gotten me toward thinking of a healthier life. No other therapist has. So, im going to salvage what i’ve learned from her this year and push forward. I may stumble and i may fall, but as long as i get back up again and keep progressing forward,
it’ll be okay.
it’ll be okay …
Essence Evans
Space between the bars - 33% :]
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