Dear my ED, Promise

********************WARNiNG: Triggering************************





Dear Promise,



What happened to what you promised me? Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me what would become of my life? My physical health? Mental health? Emotional health? My friends? My family? Me? Why? Why didn't you tell me this would become my one true obsession? My hell? You promised me that losing weight and being skinny, skinnier, skinniest would solve all my problems.. You promised that things would be okay if i lowered the number on the scale, or became self disciplined and had self control and learned to become perfect and flawless that life itself would be as tranquil as the sea. You once again, lied to me. At first, you were the perfect answer to everything! You showed up unannounced right when i really needed someone to depend on because, i was so confused, lost, hurt and naive at the time and had no one to turn to. No one but you! Promise, you helped me deal with a shit load of things and were with me all the time! You never left my side, no, not even my mind. What i didn't know was your evil intentions on taking my thoughts hostage and controlling my mind. As you whispered sweet nothings into my ear, and deceivingly warmed my heart when my physical body temperature dropped to its lowest of 88.7 degrees, or how you showed me in the mirror that i was fat and ugly and told me i constantly needed to lose a lot of weight to where my weight dropped to a low of 128.8lbs at 5'9". To where my body organs were preparing to shut down. To the point where i needed a damn feeding tube, a stupid NG Tube (Nasal Gastric Tube) put in me because i refused to eat for i thought i was overweight and deserved no food.. I was passing out and having seizures at work, working out when im dizzy close to blacking out but still wanting to burn calories that i haven't even had for days. You have me starving myself for 2weeks straight downing a cocktail mix of pills and diet pills. Had my throwing up so much and often to where i was vomiting blood! You hurt me. You betrayed my trust! You used me, just like all the other people. That still wasn't enough for you though you wanted me miserable, possibly even dead to add to your count of lives taken.. i let you in and you shut me out of my own my body, i let you see my thoughts and you took over my mind. You caused my body so much problems, physically, mentally, and emotionally that i was put at risk for dying at any moment. Damage done to my body is irreparable. Ive suffered from a heart attack and my heart stopping, Cardiac Arrhythmias, Chronic Anemia, Hypokelemia, Hypoglycemia, Amenorrhea, Gastroparesis, Hyperthyroidism, i mean this list goes on all of which ive been diagnosed with from you being the sole cause. I nearly died, because of you. Possibly because of me too, because in the end i was the one that kept going back to you after all this. I was the one addicted to your sweet words of self-hatred. In the end you kept your word, you stayed true to your promise. I wanted to lose weight and be skinny, you gave me that. I wanted to gain control in my life, you gave me control over my body and what chose to eat and not eat, control over my own body! I asked for you to never leave me, you still haven't. No matter how many time i go to treatment or therapists i see, i won't believe their lies, for you have stayed true to me and will never leave. They always say once you have an ED it remains with you for the rest of your life, even if you have been recovered for years or decades, theres stil that thought in the back of your mind or that one thing that could trip you up and having you spiraling down the rabbits hole once again.



Promise i resent your for the following things.

0) How you stole my identity

1) How you screwed up family holidays

2) How you got between my friends and i

3) How you cost me my EMT certification

4) How you ruined other jobs for me

5) How you screwed up my mind

6) How you tricked me into thinking i was fat

7) How you fed on my insecurities and pushed me deeper into self hatred

8) How you took away so many opportunities

9) How you slaughtered my dreams and stolen my control

10) How you forced me to weigh myself obsessively and if i gained i'd cut myself for punishment

11) How you made me ingest hundreds of laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics. As well as ipecac and other shit just to lose weight.

12) Or how you nearly killed me multiple times

13) But if those weren't enough, honestly i hate how you distorted my perception and way of thinking to where i believe i NEED you. That even though your KiLLiNG me its worth it. That what you say is the truth and your rules are my guidelines. That you, Promise, give me self worth, confidence, love, comfort, security and a life worth living.





Its been 9 years, 9months, and about 2weeks since you came into my life. Almost a decade of life from which you have stolen from me and i have given to you. I hate how i can't let go of you, how we have a love and hate relationship. I hate how people don't understand the intricacies of how you affect me and the sheer amount of power you as a disease hold over its victims. No, they don't, unless they've gone through it themselves than they know exactly what im talking about.

So for my 2,000th post, and becoming a decade old to where my very life turned to hell at that age, im dedicating this post to you. Letting you know that, once i find the strength to stop believing what i see as truth in you, once i find someone i just can't dare live without, once i find something in life that i want to pursue as my dream to make it come true .. that your skinny ass will be gone. I will personally fight you with every living fiber left in my body, to take you out for good! That you will cease to be within in me, because once i have my family of my own theres no way in hell your going to ruin that for my or even think about getting a gasp on my little girl or little boy! Promise, i love you to DEATH, but you are soon to have over stayed your welcome.. You have been officially warned.



Promise, for now, you may be winning the fight, but the war has not yet been won!





Sincerely,
Essence Evans