Stepping between the two worlds.

I'm coming to my senses with this reality stuff. I'm learning to accept some of the things as they are, knowing i can't change them no matter what i do. Yeah, it's hard to accept but what other choice do i have? It'll be easier on myself if i learn to accept the facts .. and let go. Even though i hate letting go, it has to be done. I hate being left behind. I have a constant, nagging feeling of neglect. I know why but, why do i have to feel that why. I've came to terms with knowing thats how they're  going to be and i can't change it. Sadly, even though they're suppose to be my parents they could care less. What i haven't came to terms with is having a family who doesn't care about you. Basically, not having a family at all. It hurts. No one to turn to, no solid foundation of support. Worst of all, no one who loves you... What did i do to deserve this? I don't want this anymore. I try and try over and over again to be perfect, not cause trouble, to be strong and responsible. But, it seems like all I'm doing doesn't amount to anything. Worthless, I'm worthless, oh so worthless. He fucked up my life, yet i feel like im being punished. I see everything i want right in front of me but, i can't get to it. I don't expect nor i don't want everything to be handed to me but, for surely i can do without the mental illness'. This Saturday i was so anxious and indecisive when Sarah, Martha and i were at the pizza place. Same thing with the Cold Stone. As i tore apart the pizza i had to force my hand to stop shaking and avoid wiping my hands to much or wiping the grease off the pizza. After the first bite i was done. By that time my eating disorder was going haywire, i tried to focus and i kept going. I know i appeared nervous and other thing but i got through it. I hated it, but, at the same time i was proud of myself for eating it (even though i engaged in all the ED  behaviors of eating) and keeping it down. If i was forced to eat pizza or something high in caloric value i would of purged it all. The ice cream was a bit easier since it's texture went done easier. I hate my eating disorder and at the same time I'm afraid of recovering from it. There's a lot of things that people don't understand about having and ED (eating disorder). most of the choices your making about food really isn't your choice. You may want to eat the food, but your not allowed to and you just can't. You may not want to exercise, but it's required and a rule you do so everyday for a minimum of 30mins. You want to stop exercising after 2 hrs as your body is physically exhausted and in pain, but you have to keep going and ED is not allowing you to stop. At first you started out in control and somewhere throughout the years, you lost sense of direction, everything seemed to turn upside down and inside out. Nothing made sense anymore ... and your ED had control of you actions, body, and mind. Every time you try to fight ED to regain control ED out smarts you and comes backs twice as hard furious. While in treatment chances are still 50/50. ED sometimes lays dormant just to get you through treatment other times. Other times you lock yourself face to face in a cold, dark room with ED and fight to the death against it, making sure it'll never be able to consume you again. Very little does it become who you are, steals you identity, lives your life, plays your part, while you watch in the passenger's seat speeding down a dangerous road with no seatbelt or sight of where your headed. Food is only a fucking symptom. I could careless about the food, i want the control. It's my life, my body, i'll do what i want with it. How would you like to cry yourself to sleep every night, trying to find a reason to get up in the morning, go through your days trying not to cry, and having the damn courage to return back to your demons, face to face in a vulnerable state .. hm? Doesn't sound like much fun does it? It's not. Every ... damn ... day. I don't see this as the worst though. No. What hurts me the most is people leaving out of my life. I don't know why, it's not like they died, but to me you might as well feel like it happened. I get attached so quickly, it's just the way i am. I like to care for people and protect them. It's just me, its weird. I'm not like totally co-dependent attached but, like "you impacted my life in a positive way" attached. Those people are special to me. Number 1 person who taught me to trust again and is teaching me how to let go: Jackie Gattis. She doesn't know she teaching me how to let go but I'm learning and it's thanks to her. ( a good thing ) When i heard she was leaving CFD Lakewood i was devastated and cried for 2 hrs and more until i feel asleep and then i cried more the next day and random times throughout the day. It hurt so bad! She is an exceptional person i could run on and on about this women. My Eating Disorder Therapist at CFD Lakewood she left on February 28th which is my dog Maxie's b-day who passed October 10th 2009. I'm so glad i got to meet her. Also February 28th is when i left CFD Whittier in 2007. I have realized I'm holding onto something but i can't figure what and thats what makes it so hard for me to let go i have to figure it out.


Well here a couple of the names of the amazing exceptional people who've helped me get to where i am now.

Jackie Gattis
Barbie Lucas
Jeannie Moore
Jentry Lowery
Mindy Bradeen
Kourtney Brumfield
Sarah Jacobson
Stephanie J----
Other CFLC Staff
Sarah Fujii
Jamie Atkins
Jeanette ---
Cay Crosby
Other CFD Staff Lakewood & Whittier.





Amazing people and i thank you. <3