Identity Collision

Head-on collision
with my personality
between me and you
there's bound to be a fatality

You put up a good fight
and were both headstrong
You may be winning now
But it won't be for long

I'm down for the count
But hunny I'm not out
I'm struggling against my thoughts
I'm fighting against self-doubt

You are smooth with your words
As I'm entranced by each lie
Effortlessly, you dance mirages around me
You hardly even try

Enslaved under your control
Hanging off your every word
No one else could hear me screaming
It was only you who heard

It's a love and hate relationship
A life or death situation
It's a compulsive obsession
You're my deadly fixation

Head on collision
Between my identity and a mask
We were polar opposites
That fit together like alcohol in a flask

I was the container
You are the poison within
I am a person
You are the sin

You damaged me inside
Your killing my soul
I still don't know why
I hold onto you though

Maybe I'm afraid
Of what there will be
If I stripped off the mask
And saw the real me

What if there was nothing left
Of the me I was fighting to be
What if I hated
What stood before my eyes to see

Head on collision
Lets just say I won
Would that be the end of you
Or was this practice round just for fun?

By: Essence Evans
Copyrighted 2013

3 Strikes, you're out!

I got my stitches out. Personally, educational wise, life skills wise, and just plain in general growing myself into the adult i needed to become almost 3 years ago and going great, on the other hand, my social life, and service life and failing horribly! I never felt so alone and feel like so many people hate me. It literally bugs the shit outta me because i cant handle all that negative energy around me. Unfortunately, i like absorb in into self-loathing, because i can never hate anyone and hurt someone in that type of manner... i dont know why its easier to hurt myself.. Youth Group leadership is spiraling down the drain nobody's aware but a few others and a few other students who already stopped coming for that reason. Due to other things and my dance classes which i was planning on taking this beginning year but couldnt decide if i wanted to dance or do leadership has been decided. Im choosing to take a minor step down in Leadership and finally do things for myself! Im so hyper focused on helping other and never saying no that i've been neglecting myself.. Things fall apart so better things can fall together! This is the beginning of my life and career. Ive been accepted into Cal Baptist University and into my 2 year Psychology Program for my BA. I cant mess this up and wont! I start in March. More details once i finish talking to my counselor. But, i'll be there ever now and then at YG but im gonna focus on my dance and my job. Oh, i got a new job since Bath&Body Works seasonal is ending and its back at Sonic in Murrieta full time..  and finally my iphone 4s white.. If God ever calls me back as a full time leader again then okay, but as of now.. i dont think i want to be surrounded by all the negativity. im gonna miss a ton of people though..

i just hate this lonely feeling i have and i feel that ive lost a lot of friends or maybe it might have been that they werent really my friends in the first place but i dont and im okay with it..  Well im hella tired and i wasnt even suppose to blog today.. the hospital took forever!!

Aw, Survey's like back in HS

Underline The Following of Which Relates To You

I've been arrested before.
I enjoy macaroni & cheese.
I don't like writing in blue ink.
I smoke camel crushes.
I think smoking cigarettes is gross.
I can see a salt shaker from where i'm sitting.
I do/did well in school.
I can be easily distracted at times.
I like word searches better than crosswords.
No one in my house smokes.
One of my family members has a problem with alcohol.
I've done something really stupid lately.
I live for the weekends.
The shirt I wore today had the color green in it.
I still love my ex.
I can't stand my ex.
Me & my ex are still friends.
My senior year was a breeze.
My boyfriend is taller than 5'9.
I always go for older guys.
but not that much older.
I recently ate at the olive garden.
I shop at payless.
I love drinking milk.
I shop at delias.
I buy clothes from sears too.
I've never eaten at the cheesecake factory.
Money on my mind...
Someone recently asked me out.
I rejected them.
I accepted... aww. =]
I don't eat many fried foods.
My itunes is currently open.
I wish I were older.
The legal drinking age where I live is 18.
I hate when people press the fuck you button on the phone.
I saw sex & the city 2.
I have really bad allergies.
What's a beat without bass?
V8 juice is yummy.
I have a blackberry.
I'm not on a laptop right now.
I'm currently waiting for someone to text me back.
They're taking forever.
I'm not on a diet right now.
But I should be.
I think about my boyfriend all the time.
Being single sucks.
It's tough being as cool as me.
I hate when people stare for soo long like wtf.
I wanna travel the world one day.
I know someone who is a professional body builder.
Sharks scare the hell out of me.
Deep water scares me too.
Speaking of water, I love water parks.
I had a cinnamon raisin bagel today.
I hate when a relationship ends & all of a sudden your ex seems ten times more attractive than they ever were.
I currently have weed on me.
or some other drug that i'd rather not reveal.
I've kissed an ex after we broke up.
I pay the insurance on my car.
Buying gas annoys me.
I recently got my taxes.
I can't wait for the 4th of july.
I've done a keg stand before.
I don't even know what that is.
I've slept with more than 4 people.
My house is creepy at night.
I'm not romantically involved with anyone at the moment.
I will hopefully be in a relationship next month.
I need a new ringtone.
I live in a major city.
My job is within walking distance of where I live.
I often wear red.
Marble notebooks annoy me.
So does my weight.
I can't sit still right now.
I'm so bored, I could cry.
But I won't lol.
The weather was really nice today.
Okay, this surveys is too longg.
I hate being in a bad mood & being stuck at home.
I love blueberries.

Hi, im new to Leftville

Okay, so i remember all throughout high school being bored in classes and passing time by writing with my left hand and doing everything with my left hand out of curiosity.. But, now since im really stuck and forced to become left handed for awhile until full movement returns and pain fades, is becoming quite the task. Im so used to using my right hand obviously but am painfully reminded that it is out of use for at least minimally a month. An needlessly to say, what if full movement doesn't return and im left with the weakness and numbness i have now.. Ugh, what the frick dude! No ones fault but mine, but i have no idea what made me do it, how when i keep everything locked in my make-up box, or even how when i was barely conscious or lucid did i manage to make my way to my box, find the keys which is kept in a different place on my desk in a basket, then go and unlock my box, go to the bottom, an make my way back to the bathroom and engage in the behavior.. or even find my first aid kit which has been closed for almost a year to get that and bandage and wrap everything.. i dont even know.. i guess its just muscle memory for when i was so used to doing it. Kinda scary... i dont know..  but now im left, left handed. Doctors say my tendon has a high risk chance of snapping in the future, but as for now it will cause pain and numbness throughout the surrounding area and some generalized weakness. :[ Flexor tendon damage sucks.

Beautiful Catastrophe

14 Blue Stitches

Okay, so last night.. a total blur! i do not remember anything major! Ugh, i remember having a panic attack and passing out not directly after but sometime in that night. I also remember getting really sick and vomiting and waking up on my bathroom floor. I was downstairs and on the couch until my mom was telling me to go to the sink. I threw up in the sink, after that i dont remember. Nor do i remember the most vital information missing which was when did i post on my websites and when did i even cut? got home around 6ish an the mom said i was in bed by 1140pm, in that 5 hour period, i dont even know what the hell happened... i cant type anymore because my tendon is hurting ...

Beautiful Catastrophe

Ramblings of a Manic Mind

Wow, i'd always thought that one day, the memories will become a little easier to remember, the pain will become more manageable with time, and my yearning will begin to die as i moved on. I've slowly come to realize that i haven't moved anywhere, i just changed what i chose to see. Changed what my mind chose to remember, tucked away anything that held any ounce of feeling, an brought to life a envisioned illusion of my harmless, disassociated state of life. In my delusional day dream, i was achieving recovery, moving past the deep wounds inflicted by others in my soul, well over the temptation to with a blade carve into the my own skin as a canvas once again as it bled out the tragic pain from the past, and the biggest one of all, to finally face the person in the mirror, to stop starving myself of love, to stop feeding the monster inside me that convinced me she cared. I need to let my guard down and start believing that its okay for someone to love me. To know its okay to let someone in and to be myself. To once and for all escape the cage im enslaved in, and to know that outside this safe, predictable, steel cage, is freedom and a life to live regardless of being vulnerable. That i could finally start to trust again... But, i realized; it all turned out to be nothing but an illusion. Different people and the same people, time and time again ended up hurting me. I dont know if i was doing something wrong or if it was just them. I know that nobody is perfect, and people makes mistakes, but to me it seemed to happen all to often and i also realized i self sabotaged myself as well because i believe that everyone will leave sooner or later that i rather it be sooner, than later when i deeply care for them and when it will devastate me. I dont know why it's so terrifying to let someone actually care about you, to believe that they actually care about you. Im so afraid of hurting someone if i don't succeed in becoming who im suppose to be... Im always hit with reality checks, i can never disassociate long enough. I was constantly forced to realize that my family was still the same, my friends were still the same, the world was still the same, unfortunately, i too, was still the same. Still the 9 year old girl. They say at whatever age a person gets sicks with a disease or disorder is the age age the stay at until they recover. i didnt want to believe that, and choose not to. I can hardly remember the past years before 9. Sometimes i get flashbacks of the happiness i felt back then but undeniably, it hurts more than the painfullest memories. Something about losing what you had that never goes away, you always miss what you had back in the old days. New things may come and take your mind off it but it can never replace what you first had. From age 9 an up i consciously had locked them away somewhere in my mind, only to have it flash back at the most inconvenient times in my life. I still sometimes wonder why people tell me that im such a strong person when i feel like the weakest girl alive! Ive tried to take the easy way out so many times, and find different ways to ease the pain but nothing ever seems to work. So i only continue on because its the only option left to me. Plus, honestly i hate taking the easy way out.. masochist qualities seem to present itself in my type A personality an a strong craving for perfectionism. i lack my self worth and innocence sadly, and i try to make up for it in perfection, but i can never quite fill the emptiness for i believe its depth is equated to a black hole. Figuring all this out is so timing consuming, confusing and emotionally exhausting that i chose to just not deal with it. Forget it ever happen, be entirely clueless and ignorant of the truth. i chose not to be affected by it to where i feel the pain. It hard when there are reminders all around. I've had many friends die from eating disorders to suicide. An just the pain of knowing a life was cut short of someone you care about is the worst. i refuse an am afraid to feel it. Im afraid its just be to overbearing and emotionally taxing. Not having control over your own emotions and feelings is terrifying to me. My recent friend's death hasn't even summed up to a year or or 6 months to when she took her own life. Im not ready and too afraid to deal with the pain; so i mentally turned off my emotions to where im completely numb inside and pushed it away until later. I've been keeping a ton inside and stopped writing for over a year which is really dangerous for me. If i dont have an outlet i start "bottling up" my feelings, things begin to spiral downhill from there.. Ive been writing since the 5th grade basically when everything started. My friend had given me a journal for my 11th birthday and that's when my writing really took off, and ive been writing ever since. On the days i cant remember, i flip through the pages of my childhood and before years, momentarily curing the willful amnesia i put in place. What if's are a very dangerous thought to get on, once you start you cant stop. the "what if's" lead you in many directions you weren't or possibly suppose to go, but somehow things turned out for the better right where you're at now. No one ever knows, or will ever know. We only know for today, our present life, our right now moment. My word of advice, enjoy your now before it becomes your then. Dont let the past steal your future or your now. Very challenging words to live by, i know! Everyone has their own cage to escape one day or another, the real question is; did you truly ever escape yours? The truth is hard swallow, trust me because i've tried, eating was hard for me to handle, so i chose to inhale the lies. Always, Beautiful Catastrophe

When the writer forgets the talents she held was in the shape of a pen

I almost forgot how much my soul cherishes writing and how soothing it is to quiet the voices inside my mind. I forgot i was a writer that held talent in the shape of a pen. That voiced the inexpressible, felt the intolerable, and made sense of the incomprehensible. Constantly, Promise is shouting commands and i find myself falling under her scrutiny. Her once so scarce, timid, and unappealing voice has become loud, tempting and a strange form of comfort. I hate when i fall back into her words, holding onto every lingering letter. Following every comma and period, all the way to the end. I had found Christ's voice and for awhile i was deaf to her words, only every now and then catching a glimpse of her in the mirror. Now, it seems as if i were the one being so shamelessly blinded by the lies of others and now aware of the neglect i have left in myself. Hm, i feel ambivalent. Im unable to realize what's real anymore, or what will happen. I hate caring when others don't. I abhor being hurt, and how i always leave myself susceptible to be hurt. i find it pathetic. I was unconsciously unaware when i began digging again, apathetic when i fell into the hole, and completely terrified to stop.. i cant figure out why i still continue to dig for what others might label; my grave. All i know is that im determined to bury all the problems of the past, get somewhere and escape from her. But, how can you out run yourself? Let alone, escape the cage..